What to tell a four year old, if anything, about his father not being bothered about him

[FlllightAttendant]

I think I know the answer to this one but I wanted to ask for thoughts if anyone wants to share theirs

A few weeks before Christmas I was seized with a vision of Ds1's father and how he should be there for the Nativity play.
He stopped visiting or answering my messages about 3 years ago.
Before that we had had a few difficult access visits. They stopped when I was told he had been lying to me and was living with someone new, and I needed to get over my anger. He had been very unreliable also - refusing to give me a phone number/address etc. and being late. Anyway it was all very raw and I was relieved when he stopped coming, but I got over it to a degree and invited him back several times, no answer to anything.
I had an idea where he lived, which is only 1-2 miles away, and the other week I just drove there. It was his house. His new wife answered the door, he returned shortly after, we spoke for about 20 mins and I invitied him to the play. It was very amicable but nothing was agreed - he just said he hadn't ever wanted to be a 'back door dad' and (I think) that's why he thought it best to be all or nothing about it.
I kind of understand. But Ds does ask about him and I struggle to answer, saying we'll find him one day I expect. Ds doesn't know I found him and I guess it would be horrid to know his father had refused to come to his play - we left it that ex would think it over, but I haven't heard anything since.

It makes me very sad. I believe ex is afraid of emotional ties and commitment, despite being married and having been married before (when I met him ) - I also believe it is best for a child not to be ferried between unhappy parents/argued over. But at the age of four, I would now be better prepared to let him see his dad, if only once a year, so he knows who he is.
Trouble is, would that hurt more than not seeing him at all?
How do you explain to a four year old that daddy has a new wife and family now, that he hasn't time for you, that he isn't the dad you want him to be?
Should I be doing anything about it all?

Please advise as it is breaking my heart a little bit.

PS: male figure has to be someone steady in your life. Not a BF. As we know, they come and go

I agree with cheriobaby - I think it's important to be honest but to keep it simple. Answer the questions they ask and leave it at that till the next time. My DD is 3 and last saw her dad 2yrs ago. He was unreliable, made promises he never kept, failed to turn up to arranged visits etc. He has never paid Ch Support and job hops to avoid the CSA.

Sadly I, like you, am left to pick up the pieces and it breaks my heart that I have to explain this situation. I feel that my DD is actually better off without my Ex as he was also violent, manipulative and a compulsive liar - but I can't tell my DD these negative things.

She recently asked if she has a daddy. All I have said so far is that she does have a daddy but he lives somewhere else and I have reassured her that both of us love her.

I have kept a record of every communication between us since she was born. What breaks my heart the most is the thought of her thinking that it's somehow her/my fault that he doesn't want anything to do with her. I guess all you can do is keep records of every attempt you make, and reassure your DD that they are loved.

Good luck xx