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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I'm a single mum and I hate it

27 replies

creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 18:18

I love my daughter, but have had so many difficulties in the last 2 years since ex left that I am doubting the point to my life.

I work full time 12 hour shifts and my poor dd is alone while I'm at work, this is the only way I can pay the bills and I feel so guilty. This is not how I ever wanted it to be for my child.

She is now 14 but after ex husband of 15 years left with no contact to dd its been an emotionally traumatic time for her.

I worked nights before and was equally responsible for bills but of course quit that when he left unexpectedly and could not find day shifts that I could work with a 12 Yr old. I am a care assistant.

When dd was old enough I started working full time again but we are both dealing with the legacy of dd's dad just suddenly leaving after 12 years of her life and I struggle to provide.

She can't understand and asks me why? I have no answers as I can't understand myself how he could completely ignore all contact once he had a new family. So cruel and I'm still taking the consequences for his actions. I know that sounds selfish bit I genuinely can't get my head around this and I need to mentally sort this so I can help my dd!

The financial difficulties have meant almost homelessness and needing food banks, heavy debt. But its nothing compared to the emotional damage to my child!!

OP posts:
bluejelly · 26/01/2022 18:20

Sorry to hear OP. I have no wise words other than it will get easier in time. And he sounds like a knob. Keep facing forward Thanks

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 18:22

Thank you blujelly, I've lost all faith in human kind at the moment. Surely not every person is like this

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bluejelly · 26/01/2022 18:25

I promise you not everyone is like that. There are good people out there, and you will find someone lovely who deserves you. But in the meantime you need to heal, to talk it through and process everything. Have you had any counselling?

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 18:25

I've got a close relationship with dd and I'm so grateful for this but dd is getting behind on school work even though I try I'm just so tired and I feel I'm not enough! I don't want to fail her

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Weddingaug2019 · 26/01/2022 18:29

I don't mean to be that person.. but I hope you take him or have taken him to court. What he has done is disgusting and he should pay. Big time.

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 18:29

No thank you bluejelly, I am tough on myself and a bit of a one woman army as I have had to be all my life

I often wonder if I'm too tough on myself but I have never had anyone tell me its not my fault.

Since being single have often wondered if its actually better for me

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Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 18:39

Weddinggaug2019, he was a pretty abusive and absent father over the years.

I made the mistake of telling him I wanted a trial separation, I did not want our daughter to suffer but he was extremely angry, he found someone else and moved away.

When dd questioned him about where he was moving and why he had not been in contact he then blocked her completely.

I was shocked so was she but eventually she was angry and even though I was prepared to take some of the blame and anger from dd as I still felt responsible, it didn't happen.

He didn't want to talk on the phone to her after the split and constantly let her down om visits and when she got emotional he blew up. Than moved away that was it

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IsThePopeCatholic · 26/01/2022 18:44

That is shocking behaviour on his part. You sound like a real fighter. Good for you. Have you approached camhs to see if your daughter could get some counselling? She must feel angry and abandoned.

unicornsarereal72 · 26/01/2022 18:45

You are showing your daughter what an incredible person you are. Be proud of what you have achieved.

It takes time but it gets easier. You work 3 long days a week but then you have 4 days when you are home and available.

Is your daughter getting any support from school both academically and emotionally.

Make sure you are claiming all the right benefits. CMS for child support (said with hollow laugh) debt charities to help with creditors.

And make time for you. Gather good people around you. Get the support you need.

My ex left 4 years ago now, my eldest has on and off support via school and paid for services. He today told his counsellor that he hasn't anything to talk to her about anymore. I also took the kids swimming this weekend. I swam 32 lengthens whilst they swam and messed about. I remember taking them a few years ago and had no energy physically or emotionally to even get in the pool. We have all come a long way.

Be kind to yourself. Enjoy this time with your dd. She will be off out with her friends soon enough. You are enough and you are incredible.

jelly79 · 26/01/2022 18:49

Wow you are being a super momma, be kind to yourself and remind yourself of everything you are doing and why!!

I would suggest...
CSA payments
Check entitled.com incase you are entitled to support
Seek support from friends and family even if your DD can go for tea one night a week?
Counselling for your DD
Flexible working with your job to try and get a easier balance

Xx

Pinchofnom · 26/01/2022 18:57

No real advice but wanted to tell you how amazing you are OP. Your dd will grow up knowing what sacrifices you made for her.

As for her dad, despicable behaviour that one simply cannot comprehend.

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 19:08

Thanks all I cant tell you how much it means to me that I'm not failing dd, as all her emotional distress has been on me and I've been left to deal with it physically. Yes I would be prepared to take my half of the blame but he walked completely, it's like a death and shock to a young child and I do feel guilt and an inability to understand it myself or explain it. I do feel like she has suffered the same as if she had a father who died, but o know now feom friends and family that this is what he would do...doesn't make me feel less guilty.

Its a luck thing I have to think for dd ...she said when I was working she was ignored when in his care. This hurts me and I know she is doing well but I feel guilty for everything

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TyrannosaurusRegina · 26/01/2022 19:14

It must be really tough. But your wee girl will know exactly who has been there and the sacrifices you've made for her.

strawberriesarenot · 26/01/2022 19:16

All her life she will remember how you stood by her, and worked so hard and cared so much. You are really not failing, anything but.

I have friends that this happened to, one had 3 children, youngest 6 weeks, he said he couldn't stand the claustrophia and walked out with no contact. They have grown into lovely young people, who adore their mum. It will be the same for your daughter. If she's had someone fail her, she's also had someone double the love and stand by her. That's what will count in the end.

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 19:37

Thank you sincerely all the previous posters, as long as dd is happy that's all that matters long term and I will do all I can to make sure it doesn't affect her.

You know how it is when you get alot of people either close or passers by giving judgement, you can never do right!

Yes tbh me and dd always have been close and there is trust, I can't understand how a father can leave his own child because the mother was disappointed with how he acted as a husband?

We both don't understand why he punished his child by moving away completely. If he hated the mother fair enough but why treat the daughter like an extention of her mum and blame the child?

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Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 19:39

There's no possibility of child support as he left with no address.

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Handholding587 · 26/01/2022 19:45

You are doing your absolute best for your daughter, and I am sure she will always appreciate how much you love and care for her. Is there any way you can find out your husband's whereabouts and force him to contribute? Social media, his former job / colleagues? Relations?

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 19:57

Aw no unfortunately, there are so me situations where only one parent will contribute. In this instance the parent moved abroad and I have gone through the correct channels but they can't be located.

He met someone in Germany online, within 6 months he had moved and gave no details. Not much I could do..

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HelebethH · 26/01/2022 20:08

You have one incredible thing your husband does not. A close relationship with your daughter. That is priceless. Things are tough at the moment, but hang in there. You sound a great mum.

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 20:10

Helebeth thank you it means alot xxx

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Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 20:17

I do have to wonder about why some parents don't need or want to care about their children. It's not me but I wonder how they live and justify themselves..

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TicTac80 · 26/01/2022 20:37

You sound bloody amazing. As does your daughter. Your XH is vile for doing what he did and I hope that one day it will haunt him. PPs have given really good advice about counselling too.

I’m a single mum too. Life is hard but still easier than when I wasn’t single. I’m a Ward sister and have always been very open with work re: family situation - I figured it’s better that they know so that they can be supportive and understanding (which they are). I was also very open with my DC schools about what was happening so that staff could look out for the kids. Does your work and your daughter’s school know the situation? It might be worth talking to them if not.

As time has gone on and we are in our routine, the kids have noticed who does what and who is there for them. And they understand why I have to work - they always say that they’re proud of me.

I’ve known friends whose father walked out on them. Their mum raised them as a lone parent and she’s their inspiration. They’ve grown up to be amazing strong women (like their mum). I’m sure your daughter will be the same.

Oh and it really isn’t your fault. Asking for a trial separation does NOT equate to a father abdicating all responsibility, input, parenting and love of a child. What your ex did was despicable. Xx

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 21:28

I make a point of telling her I love her everyday just as long as she will be OK, I can't understand or help her with why her dad is completely anonymous .

While we don't know where he is I try to act as though he wasn't there, it's a gap buy it doesn't have to spoil her life, its a sad lesson in expectation that a child learns too early

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/01/2022 21:32

I think you sound like you’re doing a brilliant job OP- you can’t make sense of it, there is no point pretending to your DD that there is a good enough reason for it. You don’t need to justify her dad’s behaviour, your only job is to acknowledge her feelings and admit it’s shit, it’s not fair and she deserved better. Listen to her and comfort her. Flowers

Original poster
creaturcomforts · 26/01/2022 21:36

Thank you x

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