Feel forced to have my ex in my life

[RedCandyApple]

My ex doesn’t see our children at all and hasn’t for over a year, he has never taken them once since we split 4 years ago and would only see them if it meant coming to my house (he won’t take them he refuses to) he would come down to see them at my house only, I put my foot down and told him he couldn’t come to my house to see them anymore he had to take them out somewhere.

Well he did this a few times then just stopped bothering to see them and blamed it on me. He sees me and the children as a package. There’s been some contact over the year but he hasn’t seen them. Lately my oldest (who has SN) has become harder and harder to manage, I am stuck in my house as I can’t take her out anywhere as I can’t manage her behaviour, I’ve not had one night off in 4 years, the only break I get is when they are at school. I can’t manage my daughters behaviour on my own anymore, I have family but they are not much help the only help is my mum and our relationship is rocky. I just feel like I’m forced to have my ex back in my life again, I will have to have him here to see the children as I don’t have any other choice. Does anyone else have this set up of their ex coming to their house to see the children? How can I cope with this? I really can’t stand the man and I resent him having to be in my life but I don’t see an alternative.

Sounds like emotional blackmail to me. Would he see them at a contact centre, or is he refusing anything that isn't your house? I think you need to stand firm re the house, as its your safe space. I don't think he should be trampling on that.

Would he really be able to cope with your SEN child that he hasn't seen in a year? It doesn't sound like realistically he is going to be able to be or even want to be of any assistance. Is there any chance of respite care through social services?

Unfortunately due to bad experiences in the past I am not going to contact social services. No he won’t be able to cope with them on his own but I guess I will be there so at least it won’t just be me on my own, I could go out if I need something or I could take her out with him.

Let's think about what you need.

1. A break
2. Ideally for the children to have a good relationship with their dad
3. For you to have a functional relationship with their dad with no stress and no drama.

Having him at the house isn't ideal. Do you know why he prefers to see them at your house?

In my opinion any contact is better than no contact with their dad.

Routine is key - so stick to same days/time each week.

Could you go out when he visits?

Unfortunately that would be the ideal but I don’t really have anywhere to go, He wants to see them at my house because he won’t take them to his house, and doesn’t want to take them out, probably doesn’t want to have to look after 4 kids outside on his own or spend money taking them anywhere so easiest to just see them at my house in his opinion. When he was told to take them out everywhere I suggested he told me was to far (he asked for suggestions on where to take them) I don’t really have anywhere to go and tbh I’m not sure I would want him having unsupervised access to my house. he picked them up to take them to the cinema once and I had them ready as soon as he got here and when he knocked I put the kids straight out so he didn’t need to come in and then I said bye to the children and shut the door and he told the children again I was “acting weird” as they came back and said dad said you was acting weird. 🤦🏻

I guess it isn't practical to take 4 kids out every week.
Do you know why he doesn't want them at his house?

Could you offer to drop them off and pick them up?

When he came to take the kids to the cinema did you acknowledge him or say hello? It really is about keeping things as civil as possible as it's in the best interest of your kids.

You do need some extra help, 4 kids with no break on your own is hard work. Is there a local homestart near you? I know you fear social services but if you go in with the mindset of asking for support and believing they will help you then it may be useful. I wonder if there any any social workers here with better advice on how they could support you?

He would be taking them out every other week as that’s the contact he said he wanted, not every week he said he wanted to take them once a fortnight. Yes I acknowledged him the cinema time but I didn’t let him in my house which normally I would do and the kids would get their coats/shoes on but that time I made sure they were ready for when he knocked so they could just go straight out. He won’t have them at his house as he has a 3 bedroom house but decided he would rather rent out every single room to lodgers so they are unable to stay there, he literally sleeps on his sofa in his living room and doesn’t even have a bed for himself let alone them, he is unwilling to change his living arrangements.

It doesn't sound like being a father is high priority for him unfortunately.

I would try and ensure the children see his every 2 weeks by whatever means possible.

How old are your children?

Are you claiming all of the child maintenance he owes you, and can you use the money to buy extra childcare for the odd after school club, to give yourself a break? I wouldn’t have him in your house anymore; I think that’s a reasonable request for him to make his own arrangements during contact time.

The children are 10 9 7 and 4. He doesn’t pay child maintenance, he doesn’t work because he rents out all of his rooms so doesn’t have to work, he said he gets enough not to.

Is your daughter accessing short breaks at all? They are accessed through the SEN team at your local council and provide support. They could allocate a support worker for your daughter who would do activities with her every week to give you a respite or access play schemes etc in the holidays. It is a really good service for children with additional needs

If your not claiming child maintenance id start asap. You could use that money to help with childcare of some sort

wishuponastar what about the other 3 children? Are you on the right thread?

It's definitely not unreasonable to not want him in your house.
But if it was a choice between my children having some form of contact with their dad and not I think I would have him round.
Have you applied to the CMS?
The children are still young but it will get easier as they get older. But you need support too.

He sounds like a deadweight. Be glad you cut him loose by the sound of it!

Yes cms said he wasn’t working or claiming benefits.

That’s how I’m feeling Aubree17 If it’s a choice between him at my house or him not seeing them at all then I should just deal with it for the sake of the kids

@RedCandyApple

Yes cms said he wasn’t working or claiming benefits.

Rental income is still income that is taxed. He should be paying you from this. In fact the lazy sod should be working to provide for the four children he helped to make.

@RedCandyApple

Yes cms said he wasn’t working or claiming benefits.

Gee he really is a package isn't he.

It sounds hard because it's a choice between the kids not seeing him vs seeing someone who doesn't sound like a great influence on their lives.

I would have him for a very short time every fortnight.

I hope you find the help and support you deserve.

I wouldn't bother even trying with this man. He's just one of life's losers. Trying to make him care isn't going to do your mental health any favours.

I would absolutely shop him to HMRC for not paying tax on the rental income as it absolutely does count as income! Once that's done I'd try again with CMS.

I know you have had a bad experience of social services but I'd try again. A different case worker can make all the difference.