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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How do I keep boundaries and stay sane while we work towards shared care? As

19 replies

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 17:41

DC (3 and 8) and I are about to move into our own home. STBXH and I had planned 50/50 shared care but I found out he’d been drinking heavily in secret again. I was so, so looking forward to my own home and being away from him. But now this means I’ll have DC and he’ll do some evenings at mine and us all staying one night at his house (our marital home).
At the moment I am struggling to be in his presence. He’s still in denial and furious that “I’m taking the children from him”. I do want to work to shared care but he is a risk and has a lot of work to do. This could go on a long time.

How do I cope having him at mine? I was thinking of making myself scarce but it feels weird having him in my house alone. I want to make sure he has a good relationship with DC though.

So far we’ve agreed a plan ourselves but I think he’s assuming I’ll waiver. Would we be better doing this through mediation? I want to avoid the cost of court.

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 25/01/2022 17:50

Sorry but why do you need to be in the house with him or him in yours?

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2022 17:53

@RedCandyApple

Sorry but why do you need to be in the house with him or him in yours?

Would you let a heavy drinker be in charge of child?

Honestly I see no need for overnights he can leave when they fall asleep

unicornsarereal72 · 25/01/2022 17:55

I would strongly suggest you do not have him in your home. Could he take the children out for tea or soft play (somewhere where drinking is unlikely). I also wouldn't be sleeping over. This is only going to confuse the children even more especially as they are moving house then returning to the family home with you in tow.

Can you drop them to his and he cooks for them and you go back in x hours.

How does he think this is going to work long term. What are his plans to improve this situation?

averythinline · 25/01/2022 17:57

This seems a very poor plan.....you cannot have a rational plan with an alcoholic.....especially one in denial

Why do you think this is in the interests of the children?
Alcoholics make poor parents usually...

Does he drink in charge of the children currently? Is this drinking known to others?

Personally I wouldn't be going anywhere to facilitate this....
Tell him to organise mediation/take you to court....

Talk to al-anon for advice maybe or gingerbread

RedCandyApple · 25/01/2022 17:58

Surely he can take them out to the park or something? I doubt he would be drinking there, I wouldn’t have him in my house or go to his

Winniemarysarah · 25/01/2022 18:03

You cannot keep boundaries when you’re staying at each other’s houses op. This is going to be a complete head fuck for the children even as a short term arrangement, and going by his track record there’s no guarantee he’s actually going to change at any point. You’re either together or you’re not. You’re not his mother or his keeper and he’s already shown you where his priorities lie, contact between you should be kept to a minimum. If he’s a danger to the children then you need to organise some sort of supervised contact either in a centre or with a family member.

RedCandyApple · 25/01/2022 18:05

Would you let a heavy drinker be in charge of child?

Honestly I see no need for overnights he can leave when they fall asleep*

Looks like I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a bad idea, if he’s that much of a danger contact should be supervised not at each other’s houses

Original poster

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 18:08

Thank you all so much, I really do appreciate your replies. I should have said he is making some effort on his drinking (because he really wants to see DC) - we have just done hair analysis to set a baseline, he sends me breathalyser results when I ask and is ‘looking for’ a therapist. I spoke with my solicitor to come up with that plan. I had asked him to go to rehab. He’s a functional alcoholic, and very sneaky, hence me not realising he was at it again.
I don’t think he’s drinking now, but he has drunk in charge of the children before.

I do want to facilitate contact and just taking them out to the park or softplay feels insufficient. He has youngest one workday every week currently (and is sending me regular breathalyser results). I could let him have them for tea at his and then collect them, instead of having him at mine, but he’d love to do some bedtimes.

I need to keep my own boundaries, it’s all too messy right now. Al anon is a good call, and I’ll look up gingerbread.

OP posts:

Original poster

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 18:08

To clarify it was one overnight only at his house with me sleeping over

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Knitwit99 · 25/01/2022 18:09

Don't do this op, it is such a bad idea. Don't let him into your new home and don't go back to the family home.
There must be other options.

It's shit for you, you're going to end up with no child-free time if they can't safely stay over with him. I'm sorry.

Original poster

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 18:09

Honestly, these responses are so helpful when he keeps making me question things saying it’ll be bad for the kids him being away from them so much.

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Original poster

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 18:12

Would mediation be wise? I want to safeguard the children as best as possible. Court could cost 5figures but might be the only option.

OP posts:

Original poster

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 18:31

I don’t mean to sound wishy washy - I’ve just gone from 50/50 care to now working out how to cope with this, working full time… obviously I will do whatever is best for the kids.

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Theunamedcat · 25/01/2022 19:01

He can take them out for tea bring them to your house for bedtime and then leave if he really "needs" to do bedtime

honestly my ex was a "functioning alcoholic" and even under supervision he robbed his almost three year old literally put her to bed and asked her to "borrow" money from her money box she let him (of course) not realising the coins in there were her "firsts" silver coins just 50p and 10ps but they were gifts given by people one of whom had died irreplaceable pretty worthless unless you need a drink and it was mixed up with a few notes from her birthday he took the lot

That was at my home he went on to steal from my purse he managed to take it stuff it down the back of the sofa as I came in the room unexpectedly he was hovering there instead of leaving I practically threw him out then looked and found it obviously mine it was wrapped up in my food receipt the list is endless

unicornsarereal72 · 25/01/2022 19:26

My ex also took whatever money he could find when he was in the house during a particular bad spell. I
Be he doesn't remember it now. And I hope the kids have also forgotten but I haven't. It was at a point my eldest could count and was saving. So he knew exactly what was in him money box and I had to keep replacing it to cover up.

Also during Covid ex 'stayed' with us as I was working and home schooling. and other reasons. The kids hated it. They were confused and did not know who to listen too. They were withdrawn and emotional. And it was like a trigger had been pulled. They were completely different kids.

Once you have your own place do not blur the boundaries. They will feel unsettled enough without anymore complicated set ups in their lives.

Theunamedcat · 25/01/2022 21:10

My strongest advice having been there myself is strong boundaries do not give an inch because in my experience they will take a mile I lent my ex money once he paid it back before he left I hide purse so I put it on top of the television he left I looked around he had taken the money back of the television I called him demanded it back he called me all the names under the sun because he had "payed it back" he was literally in the shop spending it the police said there was no way to prove it was him as I could have "lost it" I had to write the money off I had to get used to him not showing up to collect her from nursery and blaming me because I collected her (someone had to he wasn't there) basically I had to get used to being the bad guy all of the time even to this day (she is 21) it's still my fault he doesn't speak to her 🤷‍♀️ he took the easy way out

Original poster

Levithecat · 25/01/2022 22:27

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I know in the past I’ve minimised his behaviour so I’m trying really hard to be boundaried and do the best for DC. I spent years holding the family together for him and picking up pieces after he behaved badly. He never wants to be the bad guy and takes no accountability. I think I’m going to change the arrangement and if he isn’t happy we will go to mediation. Thanks again everyone.

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Twinztwo · 25/01/2022 22:59

From (awful) experience- having your ex in your new home things will breakdown even with good intentions. He will eventually behave as he has always done . The boundary has to be the front door from day 1.
He can still maintain his relationship with his children if he chooses to be sober.
(I have not completely followed this advice and paying the price currently).

Original poster

Levithecat · 26/01/2022 15:12

I’ve got a MIAM (?) meeting on Monday. Thanks for helping me see clearly. I am going to have to suck up being the bad guy in the kids eyes. I really hope the mediation is helpful.

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