xp wants ds, who is 3, to meet the OW who he was seeing before we split a year ago, up till now i have resisted as ds is severely disabled. he has quad CP, needs constant one to one, is on lots of medication and has swallowing and allergy issues and has no speech, therefore cant tell me what goes on, whether hes been fed etc.
he currently visits 3 times a week for around half an hour (his choice not mine)and didnt come on his last birthday as "it wasnt his day"
i know it will happen sooner or later as they are getting married/starting a family etc but i dont really trust xp to look after ds properly, he never bothered with him much when we lived there, doesnt know/isnt interested about learning his medication routine etc.
ive said i wont let him take ds on his own till ive met her first so we are at a stalemate just now, he says im being unreasonable but i think it isnt much to ask to meet the woman who will no doubt end up looking after ds when xp is on the pc/tinkering with his cars/just generally doing his own thing.
from my point of view, what with ds's disability i feel i need to meet her to start a dialogue with her so that in the future she isnt reluctant to phone me if ds has a problem or if she just wants to ask something concerning him. as it is just now there is tension as we are strangers and xp would rather keep it that way and this is what i need to change before i can happily let ds go to them
she has now started calling and texting xp when he is visiting ds telling him to hurry up etc hes only allowed out an hour it seems and by the time he travels here and back he only sees ds for 30 or 40 mins.
xp came over on christmas morning with gifts for ds and to play with his new toys etc, he was only in an hour when she phoned shouting down the phone at xp accusing him of switching off his phone (he hadnt, it was in his pocket)and telling him he wasnt to stay over here all day, ranted for about 5 mins then hung up on him, leaving him very embarrassed which i must admit did make me feel slightly good...is that bad?
im now starting to think shes a bit unhinged, she seems to resent time xp spends with ds and he seems just to be about keeping up appearances, once said he would have to get ds adopted if anything happened to me!
i despair of this situation getting sorted out in a way that everyones happy with, when i went to see a solicitor after xp started asking to take ds to see OW, i explained the situation to him and he said if there was bad feeling between us that if he went to court for access the judge would probably specify that the OW was not involved in contact at the beginning in order to get the contact running smoothly,
no idea how long this would last for though
i would love if xp was one of those really involved dads who had their kids overnight etc (the break would be nice) but he only seems to want to be "funtime franky" and part of me thinks taking ds to meet the OW is just a show and tell exercise and wont lead to any other visits but feel i need to be prepared just incase,
also he still lives in our old house and i dont particularly want him taking ds there or to her mums/sisters house which was his other suggestion as i dont know them either,
but my main concern is that i dont want him to start taking ds for visits if its not something he can keep up, ds is small enough to lift just now but is just about to get his first wheelchair and when i asked xp what would happen if he took him in the future he said he wasnt even thinking that far ahead yet which i feel he really has to as ds disability is not going to go away.
if it went to court would a judge take ds's special needs into consideration or would xp automatically be granted normal access/overnights etc?
anyone been in a similar situation/have any advice?