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[Liliatori]

Hello

I’m not sure if this is the right section but just wanted from advise as I’m just at a loss. I’m 27 years old with a DD who is coming up to 1 years old my partner (her dad) is 31 years old. He lives away from us during the week then comes to visit us at the weekends. However he has been staying more regularly then weekends of recent. He’s a really great dad but has been in & out of employment, has lots of debt owing money to both companies and some bad people who are his friends but still are bad people and suffers with his mental health.

Backstory when I was pregnant we split up he put a lot of pressure on me to terminate he was awful and made me feel very low. Some of things he said still stick in my mind now. I went ahead with the pregnancy around 7/8 months into my pregnancy he got on board and about 8 weeks after her birth we were back together. But when we argue about childcare responsibilities or money he always says I shouldn’t have had her then apologies later.

Fast forward to today he comes in and says that he needs to check himself into a mental health facility that he’s f*cked and doesn’t deserve DD. He then says that it’s unfair that he’s a dad and that he told me he wasn’t mentally, physically or financially ready to be a dad yet I was too stubborn so had to go ahead with it. I said to him that I said he could walk away numerous times, that I don’t expect him to pay any money (he doesn’t) and that I have her all the time so the actual responsibility of DD is mine. He was like but you constantly say oh it’s tough I told you that you couldn’t afford DD then I responded saying that’s because you owe me hundreds of pounds if I had the money you owe me I would be in a better predicament. Anyways this exchange ended up with me apologising for having DD and saying that I just want him to be happy that I love him and want to support him. But now I feel absolutely terrible for apologising for having DD as she’s my whole world. I’m also at loss as to how to make fatherhood any easier for him.

What should I do?

Thank you

Frankly, you should take your DD, walk away from him and don't look back - or at the very least until he's made steps to deal with his MH and debt issues.

Neither of your deserve to be around someone so chaotic and unstable.

Thank you for responding 💛

Right now that’s how I feel I’m practically a single parent as it is i know I could do it & I’m like how can I continue with this man? But then on the other hand when things are good it’s so good. It’s just mentally exhausting waiting to see what person turns up on Friday evening. Do you think it’s fair him bringing up termination all the time? Is it fair because that’s what he wanted?

He's not a partner, is he? He's a millstone around your neck.

You say you love him, but it's hard to see why. He's a miserable whiny leech who manipulates and bullies you.

Kick him to the kerb and get your self-respect back.

Thank you for responding 💛

You and your daughter deserve better and you know you do.

You could have a happy home just the two of you. And when her father is in a good phase he can come and enjoy his daughter and spend time with her.

My ex was like a black cloud of doom in the house. He was shouty and aggressive and difficult to be around. He had checked out of our relationship and was behaving badly so I would argue with him and he could blame me.

I didn't do that. I just kept my head down hoping things would get better. He eventually left for ow. I wanted things to work out he didn't. The consequence of his actions is that the children have a happy safe home. My eldest will comment that things are better without dad around. Him leaving was the best thing he could of done

Your dd is only little she won't know any different. Start again. And I promise you things will get better. Don't suffer like I did. Be brave and show him the door.

Oh Lordy. Op what real life support do you have?
This 'relationship' is dreadful. You cannot parent an adult. His emotional manipulation is dreadful. Really really dreadful.

I don't doubt that a few weeks away from this muppet you will feel like a new woman.

Tell him to go away and only gone back when he is well and wanting to be a fully engaged parent.

You won't miss him!

I’d end it now. It will be better for your LO.
If you are undecided then
Tell him that you want a break of at least 6 months with no contact while you each figure out what you want. Then use that time to live your best life. Do the freedom programme. Read the relationships board on MN - there will be lots of good advice on other threads that will help you

Your child will be damaged by this man.

He’s a really great dad but

He's really, really not though is he?
He swans in and out, lets you do all the heavy lifting, doesn't contribute financially, takes your money leaving you struggling, causes arguments, constantly makes you feel shit for having her and openly wishes you'd had an abortion.

In what way is he a "great dad"?

Honestly, please see him for who he really is and move on with your life without him.

Your dd is rapidly reaching an age where she can understand why people are talking about. It would be really damaging for her to know that her dad didn't want her to be born. I know you're going to say that she doesn't know that you argue but kids sense tension.

Unfortunately you need to be the adult and protect you and your daughter from this man. His games are damaging and neither of you deserve it. Him coming and going is more damaging than him not being in her life imo. Stability is really important for children imo

Once you're away from him, contact CMS. Don't let him not pay because he wanted you to get an abortion. That's not how it works and your dd deserves some sort of contribution from her father.

I

Thank you for responding and sharing your personal experience that’s really brave & kind thank you

Thank you for your feedback! Sounds silly but I went for a psychic reading recently which kept referring to this new woman so I don’t know you could be right 💛

How would the no contact situation work with him having access to DD? Thanks for the freedom program suggestion

That’s my fear

He isn't a great dad. His repeat comments about you should have had an abortion are his true feelings.

You will financially and emotionally better off. I bet he doesn't contibute to the food / electric hr uses.

He needs to go sort himself out. It will really damage your Dd if she hears this

Thanks for the feedback. He does treat her incredibly well he plays with her and is so kind to her he’s the loving father it’s just me he treats poorly at times I don’t know it’s mentally confusing as we have such extreme highs along with extreme lows

Thank you for responding of course she picks up on arguments children are intuitive so I do tend to try and ‘save’ them for when she’s sleeping if that makes sense but yes I agree it is damaging and I need to step up to the plate to protect us both. Thank you

Thank you for the feedback and it’s true he only contributes occasionally

So he doesn’t pay any money towards his child, picks and chooses how much time he spends with her and never has sole responsibility of her yet you want to know how to make fatherhood easier for HIM? Fucking hell OP, he’s really done a number on you hasn’t he? Tell the useless cunt to fuck off, your life would be so much easier without him around manipulating you.

@Liliatori I don't know enough of your situation to say for sure but he actually sounds like he is emotionally abusing you. Having to apologise for having your beautiful dd is absolutely horrible. The good and bad times are typical for abusive relationships (have a little read on the cycle of abuse if you can) and it's what kept me in my marriage for way too long, thinking if only I offered him stability and love it would just be good times - that's unfortunately not the case and they do get worse. I think you and your daughter deserve better. My girls and I are so much more happy not walking around on eggshells or knowing what version of him we were going to get. You can do it.

Thank you for your message in a sort of messed up way you made me laugh thank you it’s really appreciated honestly I do sound ridiculous

Thank you for sharing your story 🥰

What a nasty man he is. You should never have taken him back. He would happily give your dd away if he could. She already has one really nasty parent, don't turn on your dd too, she needs you to protect her from her other parent. If she was my dd I would not make her endure having to see someone who wanted her aborted before she was born but clearly still does not love her now she is here. No child deserves a nasty parent like that. If he carries on saying things like that it will have a negative effect on her self esteem. You too deserve far better. Don't let him back.

Thanks for your feedback I just want to state that I am definitely not turning my back on my DD that I have addressed on multiple occasions that he cannot make comments regarding termination in her presence. I have fought for my daughter from the moment she was conceived and find your comment about turning my back on her hurtful really hurtful. Of course I appreciate your overall feedback thank you for the time you’ve taken to respond