Don't know what to say

[boomboom25]

My DS is 5 and hasn't seen his dad (my exh) for just over 2 years. This is all completely exh's choice. But recently DS has started mentioning his dad saying things like "I really miss my daddy" very randomly when he's not mentioned him at all up until now.

I'd said before that daddy lives far away now and he seemed to accept that but now it seems like that's not enough for him any more and I don't know what else to say. I don't want to just dismiss what he's saying/feeling but I obviously don't want to make a big thing of it.

Also he's not actually asking any questions or wanting facts of any kind he just makes random statements like "I miss my daddy" and "I want to send my daddy a message"

Any thoughts please cause I wanna know what to say to him

Thank you

Ah I’ve just been considering posting someone similar as my children are the same, haven’t seen their father in a year but have recently started asking why he doesn’t see them, today my son said “when was the last time I saw my dad” and I told him it was a year ago, but I really don’t know what else to say, I’ve seen people say just say that you don’t know why he doesn’t see them but that only works for so long before they want an actual answer

@RedCandyApple exactly they won't be fobbed off!! I've tried just the 'accepting comforting' approach just listening to what he says and giving cuddles etc but it's so hard cause he's not actually asking any questions just making random statements

Do you have xh's contact info? I think I'd let him send a message or post a card. You aren't stopping the contact, you are supporting your child and if you don't, it may look like you were the one who blocked contact. They aren't your excuses to make, it's your poor child's knob of a father who should be responding. It's shit for Ds either way, but I don't think I'd be lying for your ex, even though you are doing it with good intentions.

It is very hard, I think it’s hard when they see their friends dads as well, it’s like a reminder that they don’t have one. I wouldn’t contact my ex personally as he’s made he’s feelings clear and I don’t want to chase him to have a relationship. He could never say I stopped him as I’ve kept all the messages.

I've kept all messages too exh was attempting to make excuses to cut contact long before he actually did. I understand the concept of letting DS find out for himself by letting him send his dad something but it also doesn't feel right

I think honesty is always best in the most appropriate way. When my ex was not involved with the kids for a Period. I said I don't know why your dad doesn't visit. And I'm sorry. That must make you feel sad. And either let them talk about it or distract them into something else.

We are currently going through a good phase and my youngest is really happy. My eldest hasnt forgiven him for his poor behaviour and won't go now. Apparently that's my fault. 🙄

Tell them the truth.

My kids didnt see their dad for 5 years. His choice.

Everyone told me to tell my kids to truth. The health visitor, the GP, the school pastoral team. Everyone. Just tell him the truth.

Dad decided he didnt want to be a parent anymore so he walked away and that means it is just us now. It is ok to be sad and we can talk about him when you want to, but he isnt coming back and it was his choice so I cant fix it.

Are there other important people I your kids life like grandparents or family friends. Can you say that it's very very sad that your Dad doesn't visit but you are very lucky to have XYZ in your life instead.

Yes my parents are very involved and he loves them. I did actually say exactly that last night that he has us and we love him etc etc but it's just knowing exactly what to say when he blurts out "I miss my dad"

Like I say it's extra hard cause he's not asking any questions for me to "respond" to so when he says he misses him I'm stuck with what to say back

I don't think you have to answer with an 'answer'. Maybe you just have to acknowledge it and sympathise with him. He can be a bit sad about it but that's ok.

Have you had a look to see if there are any good kids books about not having a Dad? (Maybe that's already been suggested)

I would sympathise and hug him. It is unfair when casual conversation at school or a random tv programme reminds him that dads exist.

Could you maybe ask him, "tell me something you miss about your dad" and see if it's a particular thing that you guys can do together? If he doesn't have any tangible things maybe it will help him realise that there isn't that much to miss? It's hard, I suppose it's difficult when you probably don't miss him yourself all that much!