Co parenting nightmare

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi guys I need someone to talk to sorry I don’t really have any one to talk to.

(I have posted on here before)

My ex who I have children with (4 and 5 YO) recently impregnated a woman he met online and hooked up with a few times. He told me when the child was a few months old.

Anyway! His enabling mum (who he lives with) has stepped in as a mediator. She picks the children up and they are basically in her care.
Our arrangement has always been the children go to his on a Saturday but the mum has just asked if this can be changed to fortnightly.

He works ‘every day 12 hours shifts’ so basically he will only see the kids a few hours every fortnight.

His mum says it’s not about the amount of time he spends with them. It’s when he’s is with his kids he’s loving and caring father and that’s what matters.

I’m not sure why It’s really affecting my mental health and my sleep.
The constant mind battle of - ‘don’t send them he doesn’t care and doesn’t deserve them’ OR ‘just be a good person and let him do what he wants one day they will see for themselves’

He has been SO inconsistent over the years he is SOOO selfish he goes on holiday every other month and always put him self first. He even admits this.

We have never been on holiday. I work two jobs and do my best to bring the kids up with little support.

I have stopped contact on a number of occasions out of sheer frustration when he’s pushed me too far but I always end up letting them go away because I feel guilty.

He then emails me calling me the worst type of person on the planet someone who stops their kids seeing a father, and begging to see them.

Crazy.

While I’m on the roping of crazy he does suffer with mental health and has had a history or drug psychosis so I always feel sorry for him.

I have asked him a few times
what he intendeds to do going forward now that his mum sees them fortnightly and he has another child… BUT no response from him at all… He has completely GHOSTED.
I think he’s running away from his responsibilities now he’s had another child. Part of me feels like I’m being punished for the last time i stopped contact.

He hasn’t seen the kids since Boxing Day or even asked bout them! My heart hurts so much for them he doesn’t deserve them.

‘Co parenting’ shouldn’t be this difficult.

In addition to this child maintenance have always been inconsistent and just whatever he feels like paying but they have just recently contacted me to say he’s been massively underpaying me and payments should increase.

I really wish I’d never had children with this narcissist!

What would you do in my position?

Sorry for rambling on I have really proof read just vented.
Thanks so much if you’ve read this far, feel better already ha

Xx

You can't force him to want contact if he doesnt want it. If you force it hes only going to let you and them down every other week i fear.

But i'd also say look after yourself and don't cut your nose off to spite your face. You work hard and shoulder all the responsibility and perhaps getting a couple of hours to yourself a fortnight is worth putting up with it for.

Eow is actually more the norm, usually over night though but it means you get a full weekend with them too.

Stop engaging with him. You can't make him want to see the kids. And what would be worse for them. Eow with someone who wants to see them or more contact that he has been coerced into.

Just stop. Kids go eow to his mother. That is great looking as his difficulty that is a wonderful safe guarding measure. That is when he sees the kids. Consistency is important. Your children know where they stand and no On going disappointment of being let down. Let it go.

He had another Child so what. That is not your concern

Money. Cms take the stress out of it. Go through CMS. They will go through HMRC. See what he earns and tell him what he has to pay. If he dicks you about you then go for a deduction of earnings and he then has to pay CMS 20% more. The choice is his.

Then let go. He is no longer your concern. If he wants to be a shit parent that is on Him. Your well being is worth so much more. He doesn't co parent. So don't expect him to. He is their dad who they see eow.

My ex was the same. I've had three years of this shit. He doesn't show up. His loss I get on with something else. He doesn't responded to my messages (which are few and mainly what time are you coming to get kids). I don't chase him. Child support is through CMS. He can dick them about whilst the arrears are adding up.

I take a completely hands off approach. I have no control of his actions. And I refuse to get drawn into anything.

It is hard at first but once you start it becomes easier. You can only control you. And be the best parent you can be. And look after yourself. This aggro isn't worth it.

Why do you want to increase contact?!

So

You need to formalise CM. Urgently.

And
Accept the every other weekend. The less time the children spend with him the better. However this obviously reflected in CM, which is why you need to formalise

Stop attaching so much emotion to the situation.
Get the CM you are entitled to
And accept limited contact as in childrens best interest

Thank you for you're replies!! I need to stop feeling so emotional about it x

Stop seeing him as their dad, he isn't going to live up to it. Instead view him more as an Uncle the children see EOW when they visit Grandma. He is never going to be the dad you want him to be and its great his mum is supporting your children's relationship with him and you know that there is another adult there.

As for CSA pay the percentage and get them to directly deduct it from source that way he can't mess around with it and if he does get into arrears it's much easier to claim it back.

Don't stop your children from seeing him unless they are in danger, whether he sees them once a day, once a month or once a year its their relationship which is important and they'll come to their own opinions soon enough.

Forget your ex.

Seeing granny every fortnight sounds fine to me and is a positive in this mess. Hopefully they will create a good relationship with her and see their dad a bit- even if it's just mealtimes.

My kids saw their dad every fortnight as he couldn't pick them up during the week as he worked too late and I wanted every other weekend with them. It's not a lot but he has done it for 10+ years and the consistency is positive. (I know the bar is very low here as I had them 13/14 nights)

Continue using the CMS.

what i would do is try and remove the emotion from this..

The man isn't a great dad and isn't going to be..I had a similar situation... in the end I realised he had stopped listening in our marriage and wasn't going to listen to me now we are seperated...

Contact the CMS for regular payments..

Don't chase him for contact.. He can get in touch with you.

I was always of the opinion I don't want my DC somewhere he isn't wanted.

Has grandma not been in touch?

also meant to add co parenting is 2 parents working together .. he is not doing that, so it isn't co parenting.

that isnt co-parenting OP, far from it

if the kids are happy and safe at grannys, send them every other week for a day or two. Forget this man he seems like an idiot and stop engaging with him

Sounds like they have a gran waiting to nurture them have some fun and love them.

If you trust her then enjoy the freedom

P.s You are not daft to feel emotional. This stuff is tough.
He hasn't met your expectations and that takes time to work through.