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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DD's dad staying over

16 replies

coffeepleeease · 14/01/2022 17:34

DH and I split in November, we have one DD (5). She is under the weather and got really upset this evening and asked if daddy could come to give her a cuddle. I tried to calm her but she got really upset so I asked him and he's coming about 6pm. She's asked if he can have a sleepover incase she's poorly in the night and wants a cuddle. To be honest I could do with the help in the night when she's poorly. Is it weird if he stays? We have a spare bedroom

OP posts:

MyQuietPlace · 14/01/2022 17:36

Do whatever is right for your child. Is there any chance you could reconcile with him?

Sparklyboots · 14/01/2022 17:38

Think this is to do with your particular separation and relationship. If it is amicable and boundaried then it would be fine. But if it's all very raw, or one of you is holding out hope, or even if your little girl is confused and hoping that the separation isn't final it may not be a good idea. What is your gut saying (apart from sleeeeeep!) OP?

Original poster

coffeepleeease · 14/01/2022 17:38

@MyQuietPlace

Do whatever is right for your child. Is there any chance you could reconcile with him?

No, well not on my part, but we have remained friendly and he often comes over for tea on a school night as DD is too tired to go out anywhere with him

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 14/01/2022 17:39

I wouldn’t as I think it’s confusing for kids and mixed messages, good to have boundaries in place and start as you mean to go on but it’s up to you really

CheshireSuburbs · 14/01/2022 17:40

I wouldnt. Separating is difficult, but an inconsistent message will prolong her not accepting the situation imo.

Original poster

coffeepleeease · 14/01/2022 17:41

@Sparklyboots

My gut feeling is it would be fine and DH understands there's no reconciliation on the horizon, unsure if it will confuse DD.

OP posts:

Original poster

coffeepleeease · 14/01/2022 17:41

@CheshireSuburbs

I wouldnt. Separating is difficult, but an inconsistent message will prolong her not accepting the situation imo.

That's true. When she gets poorly she gets very poorly so I was thinking I could tell her daddy only had a sleepover if she's poorly and I need some help. But I do understand what you mean

OP posts:

Original poster

coffeepleeease · 14/01/2022 17:43

@RedCandyApple

I wouldn’t as I think it’s confusing for kids and mixed messages, good to have boundaries in place and start as you mean to go on but it’s up to you really

Thank you I know what you mean I think I'm considering because I'm just so damn tired (DD is an awful sleeper even when well) and even worse when she's poorly !

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 14/01/2022 17:46

I think I would just live as a single parent now so that’s just part of it doing on your own etc, separated couples don’t have sleep overs. my ex use to try to stay over but I had to put boundaries in place, also worth baring in mind that he may start dating someone soon so the sleep overs would stop then anyway

MrsWooster · 14/01/2022 17:46

Be VERY careful about associating being poorly and ‘daddy coming back’ in your DDs mind…

Original poster

coffeepleeease · 14/01/2022 17:47

@MrsWooster

Be VERY careful about associating being poorly and ‘daddy coming back’ in your DDs mind…

That is a very good point, thank you!

OP posts:

Glitterygreen · 14/01/2022 17:54

I wouldn't have him to stay over as this will just make DD think the option is there for him to be there overnight/all the time.

I'd let him come for the evening and put her to bed, but she does need to understand that he doesn't live in your house anymore so he always sleeps in his own home.

TeeBee · 14/01/2022 18:09

I wouldn't either, too much room for confusion. You are there if she needs a cuddle.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/01/2022 11:00

I concur with the no camp. It is confusing enough for her at this early stage. I know it is really hard when they are unwell. But I would of gone with no daddy can't come but we can ring him and say good night.

You have to do what's right for you. Consistency is key going forward.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/01/2022 12:37

My worry on this one would be if she associates been poorly with having her family back together..

Seeing Dady one thing staying over she needs to be able to go to either parents for a cuddle..

We can phone say good night..let him know how you are tomorrow would be better options. imo...

Blendiful · 17/01/2022 08:09

I wouldn’t, it blurs some boundaries and you have to get used to dealing with it when she’s with you, and him used to dealing with it when she’s with him. A cuddle from daddy may be what she wants and that’s lovely, but it wont make her better so she doesn’t ‘need’ it. I know it’s hard when they are poorly and you just want them to have what they want to help, but it’s part of living seperate lives dealing with this stuff.

I agree with the before poster about not associating being poorly with daddy coming over. I think if you go down this road, chances are she will be ‘poorly’ more often and you won’t know what’s real and what’s just her wanting her dad there.

These times are the times that boundaries are set and you both need to start as you mean to go on. People get themselves into these situations and then when one of the set of parents moves on and it changes resentment builds. You aren’t together anymore so you have to learn to parent separately whilst also co-parenting when it’s needed, but keep those boundaries.

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