I am really struggling with life in general at the moment, I have 4 DC their dad sees them consistently once a week but it's for short amounts like 2 hours here and there so really by the time I've dropped and picked up I barely manage to eat or have a bath in peace before I need to leave again. He is meant to have them EOW but with Xmas and him going on holiday it hasn't happened and it's been missed and I just feel like I need a decent break as he's had them one overnight for the last 6 weeks. Two of my children have health conditions which requires me to wake overnight most evenings between the two of them so I'm surviving on broken sleep and I feel like I'm not doing the best for either of them as I am not on top of it all. I am financially stressed, DC dad pays nothing at all towards them - I've gone through cms and he is "not working" despite very clearly working.
I feel resentful of ex that he doesn't help at all financially towards the kids, doesn't have to have them time wise if he doesn't fancy it, he gets to swan off on expensive holidays while I'm running myself into the ground keeping it together. To make matters worse my eldest preteen seems to hate me atm and loves to tell me how much he would rather live with his dad anytime I try and enforce any boundaries and is so rude and horrid, he completely plays me abd ex off against each other and his dad panders to it. I feel like I've just had enough. I ended up having a panic attack the one evening I did get to myself and I feel like mentally I'm close to hitting rock bottom. I honestly feel like somedays I would rather not be here or could just had the kids to their dad and leave. Deep down I would never do that as I adore them and would never abandon them but I just feel pushed to the brink. I am so tired of juggling everything.