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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Birthday parties

21 replies

ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 06/01/2022 12:43

Originally posted on the separation/divorce board but not sure if that was the right place for it ...

Separated from ex nearly two years ago now and we share DD who will be turning 6 soon. Due to the various lockdowns I haven't yet had to navigate arranging a birthday party since the separation.

What do the majority of you do? Do you invite ex and his family?

Things didn't end very well and haven't been great since either. I'm just about to start counselling with regards to this and know that my preference would be that he wasn't there but should I suck it up and just deal with it for DD's sake?

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 06/01/2022 12:55

No people usually alternate, is there a reason why you can’t do that?

Original poster

ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 06/01/2022 13:01

As in each parent alternates throwing a party every year? It hadn't even crossed my mind to be honest as it's always been me who has arranged them

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 06/01/2022 13:03

Start as you mean to go on. There aren't many perks to this but getting rid of the responsibility of entertaining a bunch of people you didn't particularly like is one of them. It will mean you miss out on the actual day sometimes but honestly you can soon make up for it.

Original poster

ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 06/01/2022 13:12

I could perhaps suggest that we alternate the organising of the 'kids' party every year for all the school friends etc and each just do our own small family based tea party type thing every year, would that seem reasonable?

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 06/01/2022 13:13

No he has her for her birthday one year you have her the next? Surely that’s fair? Don’t need two parties

RedCandyApple · 06/01/2022 13:14

If it’s the year you don’t have her then by all means a small party at home with a couple of friends and some cake but I do think he should have the chance to have her some years for her birthday as you do

cherryonthecakes · 06/01/2022 13:14

I organised a party with their school friends and they celebrated their birthdays with each of us separately. They were happy having a friends party and family parties. (the family parties were cake at home sort of things)

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 13:17

No, my DP doesn't attend his kids' birthday parties that his ex has organised (we live too far away, so couldn't alternate for that reason also). He does contribute money if it's an expensive thing.

Both parents (and their families) celebrate with the children on their time with them, so SCs always have a birthday celebration at home with their mum and then one with us on DP's weekend with them.

RedCandyApple · 06/01/2022 13:17

Kids will love having two parties anyway I know mine would

Glitterygreen · 06/01/2022 13:18

@RedCandyApple

No he has her for her birthday one year you have her the next? Surely that’s fair? Don’t need two parties

Yeah but both parents will obviously still want to do presents and cake with her? Even if not on her actual birthday. I think that's what OP is meaning.

The parents trade off paying to the party with friends each year and then both have small celebrations with their own families.

RedCandyApple · 06/01/2022 13:21

Yes I mean one has her on her actual birthday one year then swap the next, obviously the other one can do a small celebration on their time, don’t see why the op should have every birthday.

waterpops · 06/01/2022 13:24

For 3 years we have spent the majority of the birthday day together with DC's and then if there's been any separate family stuff with each others families thats done separately. I luckily have a very understanding and accepting partner who has zero issue with this even though ex dh has been very difficult over the years. But I can't see it always continuing as children get older; but they are still young, 6 and 4

Original poster

ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 06/01/2022 13:28

Sorry I should have clarified that I've always done her party on a weekend so that more people could attend even if her actual birthday didn't fall on that day

OP posts:

waterpops · 06/01/2022 13:29

Also, if it was a birthday party with friends etc we'd both be there, likely not with family because all live too far away

Original poster

ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 06/01/2022 13:31

So I wasn't referring to the actual day of her birthday

OP posts:

RedCandyApple · 06/01/2022 13:35

Doesn’t matter if it’s on the day or not one should get to do the birthday whether it be weekend or not and one the next year, like if one year you should get to do the big party and the other one a low-key celebration then swap every year, you seem to not one to alternate though so don’t but no most people don’t invite their ex and family if not amicable

carolsforxmas · 06/01/2022 13:35

When my DC were younger I always arranged their party with school friends, not on their birthday though and my ex was told when and where it was if he wanted to be there. He was never involved in the arranging of them when we were together though and refused to pay towards them once we split.

We then did our own small celebrations on or around their actual birthday, depending on when they were with each of us.

carolsforxmas · 06/01/2022 13:37

I would say that alternating is the fairest way if not amicable as long as your ex will actually arrange something. If he isn't going to bother then plan something for your contact time every year.

audweb · 06/01/2022 13:39

My ex would never have bothered so I always organise her birthday. I generally make sure he’s either invited, or has access to her on her birthday (especially if the party is another day). He would never take the lead, so I’m not letting her go without.

unicornsarereal72 · 06/01/2022 17:53

You are going to get a variety of answers. My mum did our birthdays. My dad lived to far away and only visited every so often so he wasn't actively involved in our day to day lives.

How involved is your ex. Mine is also not actively involved. He has no idea who dc friends are or who their teacher is. And for the first three years of us separating bearly saw the children and paid no child support.

I arranged the parties. Dd birthday always falls in school holidays so it has been done on the last day of term before everyone buggers off on holiday. So not on her birthday.

Kids birthdays are split in 2. They wake here. They have no room or bed at their dads so this is none negotiable. If it's a school day he is free to collect them from school. (Never has). But has them for tea/evening. If it's a weekend or school holiday he is free to collect the children after lunch. He usually just has them for tea on the day.

What are your arrangements for Christmas? Whatever happens now needs to work for everyone long term and hopefully amicably. Not that things can't be changed. It is just better to have a clear routine so everyone knows what is expected.

TooMuchSugar22 · 07/01/2022 22:32

For dsd we do our own thing with her, party or whatever she chooses. With her friends Ans family from our side
Her dm does her own thing too.

Unfortunately she's not allowed within 500 yards of dh due to her abuse so it's just been we all do our own thing

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