Advice for newly single mum

[Nostrings457]

I am a very newly single parent. Not what I wanted, still love DH but he has behaved in a way that has left me with no choice. (Selfish behaviour, sporadic working away, spending weekends drinking / taking drugs / staying out all night) - wasn’t always like this but has been relentless for 12 months.

I am grieving for the future we had planned, feel deeply sad that my DC won’t grow up with both DPs. I do know it’s for the best but I am feeling overwhelmed at facing the future alone. I already did 99.9% of school runs, after school clubs etc.. on top of a full time job so logistically I can carry on with that but it was obviously not like being a single parent. I know DC will be fine, they are my everything. I am worried that I won’t be fine, that I have lost any independence that I had to get a break (e.g nipping to the shops on my own - ridiculous I know but these moments are what saves my sanity). We’ve just had tea and left the DC watching tv and I’m sat at the kitchen table sobbing. I feel so lonely and empty.

Don’t know what I’m asking for really, maybe some hope for the future? I haven’t shared with friends / family yet due to it being so raw and DH and I still have things to discuss.

Will he not still be having contact? I can’t answer the other questions personally as for me it’s not got easier but I have children with disabilities and ex not involved at all so very different situation.

He will maintain some contact, I imagine it will be inconsistent. One of the reasons we are splitting is because he doesn’t prioritise his family over her work/friends/social life so I can’t imagine that improving. He was previously a devoted DF, don’t know what has happened to him; he has no answers either which makes it more painful.

Fall in love with yourself and your children so hard that he won't be missed. Eventually you just appreciate every second you have with them that you don't mind missing out on your freedom, tenporarily it will return one day.
The good news is you don't have to think about what another person wants or is doing and you get your independence back in that way instead. You'll have more energy once you've grieved the relationship for what it wasn't. Have no expectations from him and just see your kids as your family unit. Who says it has to be a certain number or a certain way?

Take each day as it comes. Make time for yourself. Early nights. Exercise dvds (see how old I am). If that's your thing. Eat well. And let others help. I kept myself and the kids busy with their activities. There was something Monday to Friday evenings until Covid. Then I hit abit of a wall. But I embraced a different routine. Quiet time for an hour. Which I still do.

Journaling helped me with some counselling.

Keep to firm boundaries he doesn't get to come and go as he sees fit. Contact is on x day at x time. Miss out you wait a week

CMS in place

Then Stop engaging with him In any capacity. You need time to heal. Be kind to yourself you deserve so much better. Remember what an amazing example you are setting your children.