Taken niece's full time

[theremustbemorecheese]

So, my niece's (2 & 7months) are in the care of family due to issues with their Mum. Social work have been involved for years. In the interm we can manage between us for the next few days untill there is a social work meeting (was already organised before Xmas as per child protection order (been in place since DN 1 was born).

I am a single parent to DD7 already & at the moment she is happy to have her cousin staying part time- due to family health issues/ages/commitments 3 of us are shairing the care of DN1 & DN2.

DN's mother's issuse mean that it could be a long time before she is in a position to get her DD's back. The moral thing todo would be for me to take on my DN's full time. But I don't think my DD would cope also we live in a 2 bed flat with no chance of moving. Realistically, I'm the only family member that could take them full time but the thought terrifys me. Mainly because of the potential abuse I would receive from my sister and DN's father, the issues it could cause with my DD & her abusive father & my life progression- trying to re train & get a job. But if I don't take them, they could be lost in the care system. I wish it was black & white situation but i have no idea what to do 😞

Who is your priority here?

Is there a way for the council to give you a bigger property as you are saving them a lot of money looking after your nieces?

I woukd speak to the housing team and ask the social workers to speak to them also.

There should also be some financial help available to you.

What would you want to happen to your child if you suffered a mental breakdown or were in hospital for a long time?

A 2yo and 7 month old will likely be adopted together and relatively quickly. Given the relationship between their parent and you this might be best for them. Being adopted when they are older due to failed family care may put them in a worst position.

If this is what you want there are varying degrees of taking on the care - kinship care, special guardian orders and adoption are the ones I have heard of. I believe the amount of financial support you might receive decreases across these measures. With kinship care I believe the support is a kin to a foster parent but social services obviously prefer not to go down this route.

Hopefully someone with experience will be along but I sounds like, if you got financial support, you might consider it. My experience from reading these threads in mumsnet is that family is often steered into a situation where they do not get support so you need to be very clear about the needs of your family.

Try speaking to this charity kinship.org.uk/
They provide support for people who take on the care of other family members and might be able to advise you.

At their ages it might actually be much kinder to let them go into Foster care now as they are much more likely to be adopted than if you wait a few years and then have to give them up.

As much as you want to do 'the right thing' you also need to prioritise your own child and sometimes that means making the harder choice to allow them all to thrive in the long term.

I own my flat but finances mean Iv no chance of buying something bigger, not for years. Hence the need to get a job & retrain. My own mental health is not great but stable with meds & support from my partner & friends.

My DD is my priority, always will be. Unfortunately the family was in a similar situation with my nephew (10) and I am
desperate for the girls not to go through what he did/has. Due to this I am aware that there is Financial help available so I'm not concerned so much about that. It's the impact of any decision I make that I can't come to terms with. I take them, they will be with family but DD could suffer & our life/plans will change permanently. I don't take them I dread to think how things will turn out.

To be honest with you ss will want you to have a bigger home to take your nieces. They will also be hoping you think it through thoroughly (which I can see you have) and that your priority will be to your child.

The children are still very young and I'm thinking most likely will be adopted. Hopefully together.

Something similar happened in our family and I was refused the ability to take my relatives baby. Because of house size, dependents and the circumstances around the child (violent father), it was very very important to not let guilt or grief at losing the baby to adoption cloud what was best for baby. A fresh start with a family that loved them. Stability.

It must be very upsetting and difficult time for your family and I wish you all well x

Could you become their Foster carer until they are adopted?

Oh what a position to be in, I really feel for you . It seems important to say that while it is totally understandable that you are questioning how you will cope with the impacts of either decision, you are not responsible for this situation. Your sister and whatever negative experiences that have led her to where she is, are the reason for this. So it’s already a very sad situation. This is your life and your choice, and it would be very sad if your care of your daughter deteriorated due to taking on these children.

It’s also worth thinking about (I’m sure you are) that these kids may have experienced trauma in their parents’ care and certainly from being separated from their main caregiver, despite their failings. So there are likely to be additional challenges in caring for them. But also additional reasons to want them to be with family and not to need cared for by anyone else!

If your sister is not likely to be able to change things any time soon, the best thing for the children is a decision on permanent care to be made quickly. Children suffer hugely hanging about waiting for parents to change or others to make decisions. If you take them temporarily, it would be best for them (but perhaps not possible) that you decide in advance that you would consider keeping them permanently. If you know you can’t do this, foster care/adoption would be the better option imo.

I have a friend that took on her nephew. In the end she had to give him up because of the constant hassle from her sister. It was a risk to the entire family and was upsetting for all the dc. He ended up being adopted and in hindsight she thinks now it would have then better to do that straight away as less disruptive to all. The difference is though that it was known her sister wouldn't get the dc back so baby went straight to the adoptive home. If it's possible for your sister to get the dc back might this delay adoption potentially for years?

I would love to think she could eventually get them back but her DS has been in a kinship order since he was two so its history repeating. I'm away to speak with SW now & see how things are. We'r at the stage where we need proof of ANYTHING my sister says- she really needs sectioned.

Reading the reply's I do think it be best that the girls are looked after out with family for the very reasons PP's have stated.

@PinkWaferBiscuit

At their ages it might actually be much kinder to let them go into Foster care now as they are much more likely to be adopted than if you wait a few years and then have to give them up.

As much as you want to do 'the right thing' you also need to prioritise your own child and sometimes that means making the harder choice to allow them all to thrive in the long term.

There might not be a plan for adoption.

If the kiddies staying with family means that their parents have access to abuse their carers and by extension them, is family taking them the best option? Would it be better for the kids to be fostered / adopted by someone their parents can't get to?

@theremustbemorecheese please have a look at the Fostering board here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/fostering

There was a thread earlier this year with a very similar situation, you might find it used to read about the experiences of fosterers and those that have been in your shoes.

When considering this the priority should be the welfare of all the children involved, so if your situation isn’t right for the DNs please don’t feel bad, they will need therapeutic support and very different parenting skills given their lives so far. It might be in the better interest for an experienced foster carer to help them.

There might not be a plan for adoption.

There might not be but sadly given the information the OP has provided it wouldn't seem beyond unlikely that they would be placed for adoption. Having already got one child in a long term kinship situation it doesn't seem likely these children will be returning to her.

Like previous poster have said OP don't feel guilt or that you are failing them, this isn't q situation of your making and you rightly need to protect and prioritise your own child.

Have you been assessed as a potential carer ? Would you be wanting to get a special guardianship Order or would the children remain LAC in your care, with the local authority remaining the corporate parent?
If the children are already LAC there is likely dual planning already happening behind the scenes ( with a plan for adoption in the case that the family option doesn’t work out)....

Are there circumstances where you would feel confident taking your dns? Eg bigger house, new job, guaranteed no interference from bio-parents? If yes, are there steps you can take to get there, with help from the council/family/friends?

If you do take your dns, identify them areas you need help with and claim absolutely everything you're entitled to. If there isn't a way to make it feasible, know that you did all you could and didn't make things worse for everyone by dragging it out.

Just managing to catch up- DD with her dad & DN2 is sleeping. Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply & offers support, it means so much. I can't really say much more as I feel it maybe outing enough as it is. The hole situation rides on wether my sister can admit her issues & get help. But I'm not sure if you can help someone that is just selfish & thinks the world revolves round her & nothing is their fault. These are life long personality traits. The social worker we are dealing with is off today so we have to wait untill tomorrow. But we are definitely going to be shair caring DN's for the next few weeks at the least. The advise you all have given has been so helpful & I will share with the family.