Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How involved is your ex in raising your DCs?

46 replies

Henbird · 01/01/2022 08:46

Been on my own for over 10 years now - the DCs see their dad every other weekend. When they were born he said multiple times how he wanted to be a 'participative father'. He now pays bare minimum maintenance (but has just returned from a 2 week holiday in Dubai), has switched off from my DS's mental health issues, meaning I have to do all DS's related appointments and does not ask how DCs are when they're not with him. Is this normal? Is it better for him not to be involved day to day? I still can't get my head round it

OP posts:

onedayoranother · 01/01/2022 10:18

My husband actually had a better relationship with his kids after his divorce (not me, his first wife). He took them on holidays and without their mother around he had to really do the parenting. They used to come over every other weekend (he worked 60+ hours a week, she did not have a job) but within two years of his divorce the eldest moved in and the second, who went to boarding school, spent more than 50% home time with us, then moved in a couple years after the first (both teens by then). He was solely responsible for all his kids expenses and he paid his ex a very substantial alimony too. They also tried to present a united front and discuss anything to do with the kids, though tricky at times (as the issues between them would sometimes surface). I don't think he could have done more.

RunningInTheWind · 01/01/2022 10:21

Contributes fuck all financially, educationally or materially. Has had zero input with schooling or medical issues.

Does take the time to criticise the clothing I buy them/criticise the scar one has on his foot following an accident WITH dad which apparently I should’ve taken him to surgery for… / the height or my garden fences (yes,really!).

Absolute waste of fucking space.

CheesusWept · 01/01/2022 10:28

My ex pays maintenance (finally - didn’t for years), hasn’t seen DD in over 5 years and never asks how she is. He does send her one gift at birthday and Christmas - only something small, not much thought put in to it at all.

I think he’s a huge disappointment as a father and as a human being.
DD is almost 11 and seems to have the measure of him. We split when she was a baby and in the past 10 years I’d say she’s seen him on less than 20 occasions.
He’s had every chance to step up, but I long ago stopped chasing to try to make him be a father. He’s the one who’s missing out.

Soopermum1 · 01/01/2022 11:03

Sees the eldest for a few hours every second weekend, but eldest has to do the travelling. Hasn't seen the youngest for years, took my to court. He's currently supposed to be sending letters and presents and isn't doing it. Currently embroiled in a CMS battle as he doesn't pay or wants to use late/ partial payments to control me. Thought the new girlfriend would be a good influence, but, no.

RedCandyApple · 01/01/2022 15:33

Nothing and he doesn’t pay any maintenance either so it could be worse!

RedCandyApple · 01/01/2022 15:34

Should add he last saw them a year ago and has never had them once overnight ever since we split up 4 years ago.

LondonWolf · 01/01/2022 15:36

He messages them around once a week. Sees them for dinner about once a month. Pays nothing. I don’t criticise him unprompted but if my children ask (teens) I tell them what I think - which is that he’s a selfish shit and they deserve better. I don’t want them to ever think there’s something wrong or unlovable about them as children are prone to do when a parent is a selfish arsehole.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/01/2022 15:37

No maintenance or contact for 18 years, went abroad to escape CMA. Now wants to be disney dad and wonders why DS won't have anything to do with him.

happydivorcee · 01/01/2022 15:41

3 years after we separated, mine “went on holiday” to a different country and he’s never come back. He pays me every month and he sends half-arsed texts to the DCs but they very rarely reply to him - they don’t have anything to talk to him about, really.

TerraNovaTwo · 01/01/2022 15:49

He sees them on average every 18 months, calls/texts on birthdays and at Xmas and maybe 2 - 3 other times, pays child maintenance. Other than that there is no other parenting input.

Muchmorethan · 01/01/2022 15:50

Split up nearly 5 years.

DC go to his EOW and he technically covers 5 weeks of school holidays - although now DC are older they don't always go as they are self sufficient.

Sees youngest son twice during the week for dinner. Eldest chooses not too.

Attends all meetings that he can but l still do the bulk of them as DS1 has ASD so l currently work PT.

We both swap weekends around if something on and other parent can accommodate.

As involved as l am in DS2 sports.

Pays CMS

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/01/2022 18:44

My ex pays £7 a week cms...

Not seen Ds since he was 3 , now 14..

He was useless when we were together..

Original poster

Henbird · 01/01/2022 19:56

Reading these, I'm getting off lightly with a surface level disney dad.

OP posts:

Waftypants · 01/01/2022 20:05

My ex pays £120/ month in total for 2 kids, has them EOW plus one week in the summer. Never does school stuff, health stuff or any other stuff except takes DS to whichever sporting activity he's got that weekend. Doesn't wash the kit, it gets sent home. Doesnt do anything else. If birthdays fall on my time he comes round for about half an hour's tops and never helps with any birthday activities. He's never helped the kids to buy me a Christmas/birthday present or asked after my wellbeing. He's absolute bare minimum whilst maintaining contact. Maintenance doesn't even cover school lunches. I don't get why you wouldn't want to contribute to first school uniform or winter coats or sporting equipment. He resents it all. He's a knob tbh. I'm well shot of him.

WhatIsThisPlease · 01/01/2022 20:16

My ex pays maintenance and sees the children for a few hours maybe 2-3 times a year.

He's a peach.

SurfWaves · 01/01/2022 21:21

Not involved at all, had some contact in contact centre but was stalking me and and I had to move home because of it. He was a horrible man, no idea what he's like now but I have full custody of our child and he doesn't make any contact even via solicitor to see her. She's 2.
Ex hb is father to my older kids and also doesn't have contact but is welcome to at any point. He has the kids phone numbers and hasn't spoken to them in over a year.

Blendiful · 03/01/2022 10:14

My ex is very much a surface level parent too. He has them when he is off work. Which gets the ‘it’s great he has them’ comments. I think his new gf does most of the day to day stuff, shopping, washing etc etc. He lived with his parents when we split then straight to gfs house so he’s never done any of the parenting on his own, he didn’t when we were together either. He doesn’t do any appts, life admin stuff, parents evenings, health issues etc etc. all the mental load is mine, he just shows up and has fun a few days a week. Very little discipline. If I ever bring anything up he excuses it away ‘they are only kids’ ‘it’s normal’ etc anything to avoid having to actually implement any rules/boundaries or take any responsibility. Figures.

CherylPorter350 · 19/01/2022 16:20

ExDH see's the DC 3 weekend in 4, pays CM but doesn't get involved in any day to day issues. Knows nothing about school, where their doctor/dentist/optician are. I called him to discuss taking DD13 to gp to get a CAMHS referral..wasn't interested. Called to tell him same DD feels they have no relationship, no fucks given. A few years back I paid for a private cognitive assessment for one of the DC due to issues flagged by school...wouldn't contribute or get involved.

He thinks he's the best dad...but it's all superficial. He doesn't deal with daily meltdowns, consoling them when upset, teenage drama...I do.

Crunchingleaf · 19/01/2022 19:48

Ex will tell me he is a great dad and I am preventing him having a relationship with his son. He has him EOW with a week at Christmas and Easter and two weeks in summer. It’s a nightmare when he comes back from a week with his dad as there are no rules. Waste of space thinks parenting involves letting your child watch YouTube all the time and not noticing how too much screen time affects ds mood and behaviour. DS has come back several times with major eczema flare ups and no treatment and all I get in response in how was I supposed to know. DS used to come back massively constipated due to the diet of chicken nuggets and chips diet with no veg or any source of fibre. Blamed ds for asking for chicken nuggets when pulled up on it. Thankfully DS is old enough now to know his stomach acts up eating too much junk food.

SandyMeerkat · 25/01/2022 13:17

Sees DD EOW for 24 hours, lives less than a mile from us. Technically has longer as theres a court order but never has her more.

He turns up when something good is happening though, school plays, sports days, Rainbows Badge giving, swimming presentations, but never if she's ill - she has a few medical issues and all her appointments are my job.

I'm used to it now. He also pays no maintenance, as according to to CMS he earns nothing at all, claims no benefits either yet drives round in a nice car and lives in a nice rented house and has several fairly expensive holidays he apparently pays for using fresh air.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/01/2022 13:25

No input whatsoever and no maintenance at all. DS is 40 now and exH is constantly blaming me for their non existant relationship. In fact I had to block him from facebook.
DS says he can't be arsed with that loser.

Flip

1 2