Feeling really down/jealous/inadequate

[troper]

My DD (6) has been isolating with me for the last 10 days as both her dad and SM has covid.

They've been having daily phone calls where they ask DD what she's been up to and her answer is always "nothing" or "I'm bored" - despite the fact that she's been doing loads and seems to have been having a great time.

Tbh she was downstairs for the first couple of calls and it's all open plan and it felt like I was intruding but it also made me a bit jealous. Her dad & his DP were making comments like "I'm sorry you're bored, if you were with me we'd be having lots of fun" or "why isn't your mum doing anything with you?"
DD would then come off the phone and I'd ask her what she wanted to do and she'd seem really happy and say she wanted to stay at home and play with all her new toys.

It was really getting to me so after the first couple of calls I suggested she should go up to her room and speak to her dad in private.

So tonight it's all come to ahead Dd and I had a lovely day out together. She was so happy and laughing all day. The place we went to had a particular ride that we'd have had to go on together. She's been on it before but always been a bit nervous. Today I asked her a couple of times if she wanted to go on it and it was always a firm "no" so I didn't push it.

Got home and DD was upstairs on FaceTime to her dad and partner. I was genuinely going up to tell her dinner was ready. I'd shouted twice but she either hadn't heard or was ignoring me. They were asking if she had a good day out and if she went on the ride. Her answer was "no, my mum was too boring as usual and didn't want to so I couldn't either. She doesn't do fun stuff like that"
SM's response was "aw pet that's a shame, you know I'm the fun one. I'd have done it with you in a flash, hopefully we can see each other soon so you can have some proper fun"
DD agreed.

I dont want to challenge dd over it as I often feel
She's trapped in the middle and it's as if her SM sees it as a competition with me, but it sounded so manipulative from the few seconds I heard.

Later when DD was in the bath she mentioned she was missing her dad and I was sympathetic saying covid was rubbish and shed see him soon etc.
She then said she's missing SM more. She proceeded to tell me that she loves SM as much as she loves me and her dad and that's why she's missing her so much.

I know I should be happy that she's happy but I also feel like I'm being phased out by some psycho SM (FYI - she was also the OW which could explain why I'm so sensitive to this)

How can I just be happy for dd and stop caring so much

Sorry, just realised how long that was.

Some further background.
I would understand more if my Dd seen her SM
50/50 bit she's at her dads for 2 nights a week. At least one of these nights SM goes to the gym/out with friends and is generally quite hands off but super fun auntie-type character. (totally fine I'm not saying she should be doing more) but can a child really love someone who plays this role in her life as much as she loves her own mum?

That would really bother me sympathies OP

SM sounds like a piece of work 🙄

@crackofdoom

SM sounds like a piece of work 🙄

@crackofdoom she definitely is and ExH isn't much better! I'm just hoping DS doesn't actually mean what she's saying and is too young to understand!

I would and have felt the same as you. Ex gf was also the ow. although that relationship ended recently.

It feels like you are being replaced and they are playing happy families with the children.

It hurts when these things are said but you are doing all the right things by not rising to it. Your DD isn't intentionally trying to be hurtful. And I'm sure when she is with her father she is saying things there too.

Kids always say they have done nothing. Or their bored. They can't be bothered to have a conversation so it is their go to. I always remind my children what fun things we have done or got to look forward too.

You just need to take it with a pinch of salt. You are dd mum. No one can take that from you.

Sounds to me like she is telling dad and other woman what they want to hear.

She will say whatever gains her the most attention and speaking negatively about you is it. Dad and other woman are in the wrong.

I teach 6-7 year olds and if it were me I would bring it up with your dd - gently but she is old enough to discuss it definitely. Just that you have heard her say this, wonder if it is true because it hurts your feelings. Opens it up to talking about it, she probably feels pressure to say whatever her dad and SM will like most, but she's old enough to understand about telling the truth and hurting feelings and I wouldn't want this to continue lest it become a theme.

I think if SM had to do the daily slog your DD would notice she’s not that fun. Sounds to me like your DD feels like she can’t tell them she’s actually having fun with you. As though she’s trying to protect their feelings in some way.

Shitty for you, and I’d be upset about it too.

Thanks everyone's
My Dd is very much a "people pleaser" and in the past has said she worried about hurting peoples feelings, e.g she had a phase of not wanting to go to her dads at all. Could give me a big lots of reasons why but I told her she had to discuss them with him and she refused in case she upset him (thankfully that phase has passed).

But now I'm really upset that she's so worried about hurting their feelings that she's willing to be negative and even make up lies about me, in order to protect them.

She can't really love her SM more can she? Is she less worried about hurting my feelings cos this is where she feels safe?

@deedsnotwords11

I teach 6-7 year olds and if it were me I would bring it up with your dd - gently but she is old enough to discuss it definitely. Just that you have heard her say this, wonder if it is true because it hurts your feelings. Opens it up to talking about it, she probably feels pressure to say whatever her dad and SM will like most, but she's old enough to understand about telling the truth and hurting feelings and I wouldn't want this to continue lest it become a theme.

Thanks. I think I will bring it up with her, especially the bits she made up that weren't true. My worry is that I heard a tiny snippet so I've got no idea what else she's saying to them.....

I think that your dd has learned that downplaying her time with you gets lots of sympathy, attention and promises of future fun.

I suspect that she knows that telling the truth wouldn't have the same response and who wants to lose out on the promise of future fun?

I would feel like you op, that must be very hard to hear.
I'd be very careful speaking to a 6 year old about hurting your feelings though. She doesn't deserve a guilt trip for the situation she's in. I agree with pp who say she's looking for attention and saying what she thinks they want to hear.

She is downplaying having fun with you because she is concerned about the reaction she gets when she tells the truth

Ds went through this and he still does tell his dad exactly what he wants to hear like "mom forced me to go out" "I didn't have that much fun" his brother rarely sees his dad so there is no one to correct him he had therapy at school about it

That's sounds awful.
I also worried about dd liking ex and gf more.
Really should not have worried.
Once Dd was old enough she saw right through gf.

@Robin233

That's sounds awful. I also worried about dd liking ex and gf more. Really should not have worried. Once Dd was old enough she saw right through gf.

What age did this happen @Robin233?

@cherryonthecakes

I think that your dd has learned that downplaying her time with you gets lots of sympathy, attention and promises of future fun.

I suspect that she knows that telling the truth wouldn't have the same response and who wants to lose out on the promise of future fun?

I think this is exactly what it is, and she also picks up negative vibes from them if she's complimentary about me/her time with me.

I'm just not sure how to handle it? Do I just ignore it and hope it's a phase? I guess the only harm is that exH and DP think I'm a boring fun-killer and feel a bit sorry for her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dd knows she does not have to please you and you will be there for her no matter what. She is insecure in her dad/SM's affections and feels compelled to say what pleases them. It is not comfort to you. She is too young to understand this at her age.

It is tough for you, I am really sorry. Truth will out in time. Deep down in her heart, she knows you have only her best interests. I am betting that your ex/SM's selfishness will eventually show itself to her in other ways when she is old enough to recognise it for what it is.

@troper

That's sounds awful.
I also worried about dd liking ex and gf more.
Really should not have worried.
Once Dd was old enough she saw right through gf. 
What age did this happen @Robin233?

^^^^^
I'm not sure exactly because gf had always been very good to her.
And I was very thankful for that.
Dd was happy go eow to ex and gf / wife by then, and happy to come back to me.
Dd was always a happy little girl and much loved.
Loved her step mum.
But around 16 dd suddenly saw step mum through the eyes of an adult.
I was actually sad about it by then.
Dd suddenly described the woman I always knew wife / gf to be.
It had been ok before when dd was little.
Teenager years can be tricky.
Whatever problem dd had gone to step mum had handled it badly.
(No kindness) dd saw her true colours.
It was on a weeks holiday / probably last time dd stay with ex.
Looking back there was never any competition between us.
I wished I'd held the 'faith'.
Kids aren't daft.
They work it all out in the end.
My regret is I wished I'd be kinder to step mum.