At breaking point

[LBNM19]

I’m a single parent to 3 boys age 7,5 and 3.

My eldest son died in 2019. Since his death I’ve struggled with depression.

I feel like I should be grateful for my other children but I’m struggling to cope. My 7 year old is just so rude. He does nothing I say.

My youngest son can also be difficult he hits me and shouts etc.

I’ve tried to implement behaviour charts etc and just nothing I do works.

The house is always a mess, I feel like all I do is clean and I’m always under so much pressure. I’m at my wits end.

Surley I can’t be the only person that feels like this? Everyone on social media seems to have a perfect life with lovely children. Do I feel this bad because of my depression? I just don’t no what to do anymore.

Sm is HEAVILY curated! I have people on mine I KNOW are going through various kinds of hell (miserable marriages, serious illness, major fallouts with people, redundancy, bereavement...) but on sm it's all happy faces and positive posts!

Are you getting any therapy to help with your loss?

So very sorry for your loss

Are you getting support with lone parenting side of things?

You need real life support can you pursue that in the new year?

It's tough being a lone parent, give yourself a bit of a break. If the min is done that's fine

Is your 3 year old ordinarily in at least part time child care? (I'm not sure how it works but think there's free hours for this age? The older two normally in school?)

I only had the one to deal with but learned early on she needed regular outdoor exercise! It may be cold and wet where you are (it is where I am!) but wrapt them up warm and dry and head out for a stomp! Burn off some of that energy!

This time of year the play parks are pretty empty and they could have the run of them!

Or the dreaded (but very handy!) soft play places. These saved my sanity at times with dd! She'd be off playing I'd have a snack and cuppa and read a magazine or 2 again burns off loads of energy which may make them easier to manage

Pay no attention to social
Media. It is a small snap shot of a moment. And we only paste the good times

What support do you and the children have. Counselling. Family help hub from social services. Play therapy for your children. You all need help to grieve and process things.

You are an amazing mum for still putting one foot in front of another. Is there a family member or friend who would come and help you clean for a day. I know I would be happy to help anyone I know in such a situation. I love a good sort and tidy. Baby steps and day by day.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Is there any support available? Home start for someone to come over a few hours a week?

Thank you all for replying. I’m off work atm,
When I’m at work I feel like I can’t cope because of the pressure of trying to do everything on top or working, when I’m off work I feel like I can’t cope because the house is a mess and my children don’t behave.

I am having bereavement counselling at the moment. My next session is on Wednesday.

My mum helps me sometimes but I don’t think she has any idea how bad I actually feel. Their Dad does see them once a week but does the bare minimum.

I just feel completely miserable the majority of the time and find life so hard.

Like others said sm is not a view into peoples lives..

Are your children having help. They may be struggling too. I work 4 days a week. It gives me chance to be me for a day ..

So sorry for your loss.

I’ve tried to get my 7 year older help. At his last school he had ELSA and I’ve recently been in touch with a child bereavement charity, it’s actually been really hard with the pandemic to get any of us help and it started 10 months after my Son died.

I have asked to reduce my hours at work as I think this will help but they said they can’t until at least February and even then not a definite.

You’re not alone, though I think this also applies to MN all I ever see on here is people saying how much they love being a single mum, how easy it is, how it’s much better than having a partner and it makes me feel bad for not “loving it” like everyone else seems to. I’m on my own with 4 10 and under (no contact with their father) and life is very very hard.

@RedCandyApple thanks for sharing. I feel the same, I definitely don’t love it. It’s so hard doing everything by yourself.

Yes I honestly think the people that love it and find it so easy either have an involved ex still so they get a break, if not that they have supportive family or their children are easy children (mine have a range or disabilities mostly asd so life as a single mum doesn’t get easier) I try to avoid threads where people go on about how great being a single mum is as it makes me feel worse about myself and guilty for not enjoying it.

I'm so so sorry for your loss, I can not imagine what you are going through. I have no real advice for your particular situation but I can almost guarantee you, you are doing better than you think you are! It is so difficult at times being a single parent even in normal circumstances. Do you have any single parent friends? Or not single parent friends but that may fancy a nice walk and to get out the house? This time of year is especially difficult but being cooped up doesn't really help. After a good walk the kids might be calmer and watch a film and you can have a rest with them on the couch. Delete social media for a while if it helps. I put the apps to sleep and try to only check once a day. It does help a bit. I'm happy to meet for a walk if you are local to me, there may be others that are too?

So sorry for your loss. There is a group called "Compassionate Friends" they have been a lifeline for my friend. They have various local groups around UK, they also have a Facebook page.

allianceofhope.org/find-support/consultations/

In terms of your child there is a short book called "connective parenting the NVR way". This talks about using natural consequences for behavior that will help. It also talks about how to reduce the level of bad behavior. There is a Facebook group also for this.

www.amazon.co.uk/Connective-Parenting-guide-connecting-Approach/dp/1546718702/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=ZZ4O2LXE6P0R&keywords=connective+parenting+sarah+fisher&sprefix=connective+parenting%2Caps%2C114&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1640678758&sr=8-1

I am a widow and I have struggled with the kids, income and housework. Housework is my nemesis. I never liked doing and dislike it even more now. Would having an au-pair or another single mum move in with you be a solution?

Big hugs xx

I know one person who is a single parent but her x partner has the children half the week so completely different situations.

I don’t really have many friends at all. My son who passed away was severely disabled and I spent 7 years caring for him. We had nurses in our house over night etc, I isolated myself alot but I actually found life much easier when he was here.

We do alot and I try my best - the lead up to Christmas we saw Father Christmas, went to the panto, I took them to a restaurant for a special dinner but all of that for me is clouded by their behaviour before hand and the pressure to get out on time and the mess they’ve made whilst I’ve been getting ready myself. Writing it down it sounds like I’m over reacting but honestly I was sobbing one day because of how rude my son was being and how much pressure I felt.

@butterfly990 thank you so much for these links I’m going to look on them now.

www.tcf.org.uk/ This is the link for compassionate friends.