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Original poster

New and looking for advice on contact with ex partner

12 replies

mishmish · 15/11/2004 20:39

I'm new to MN and would be really grateful for your thoughts on establishing positive contact for my DS with my ex partner, who has recently left us. I want to do my best to separate my own feelings from this so that my DS can form a good relationship with, and get to know, his father.

Has anyone managed to do this successfully? So far I'm thinking of suggesting he visits once a fortnight and we take DS out for the day because I would find it difficult to be at home - too many reminders. DS is almost 2 and father lives 150 miles away.

OP posts:
tammybear · 15/11/2004 20:44

hi mishmish, welcome to mumsnet. my exp sees dd once a month and lives 3hrs away, and i have to sit there and grin and bare it. it is hard to let your own feelings come into it, but i keep telling myself that dd's happy to see her father and im happy if shes happy. i try to keep myself busy when exps round so i dont have to talk to him much but my house is small so there is only certain places i can go. i let him take dd to the park but as the weather is turning, im going to have to stop that and think of something else! it is important to try and build a civil relationship with your exp. i did want this after i split up with exp but he didnt, and now that he wants to have a civil relationship with me, i think its gone far beyond that although i do try my hardest.

fairyfly · 15/11/2004 20:48

Personally i wouldn't go out with him for the day if you are trying to sort your own feelings. It will just be too painful. If you trust your x with your child leave them to it. Make sure you have something to do when they go though and keep busy. Something that you cant do any of the other days. Use the time to come to terms with what is happening and to find out who you are as a person again. See old friends, go to the gym etc. You cant really seperate your own feelings but what you can do is hide them from him. good luck

Original poster
mishmish · 15/11/2004 21:13

thanks for this. I know there's no ideal solution but I want to do my best for DS - your input really helps, thank you.

OP posts:
Frizbe · 15/11/2004 21:15

My dh and his ex wife managed this (way before I knew him) and they live about 70miles distant. My ss up until school age spent every other Mon-Fri with his Dad, with weekends and the alternate week with Mum, this arrangement enabled both sets of parents to re build their lives, as both had social time, as well as child time. Now he's at school, he spends alternate weekends and half hols with us. He is now a well balanced person, who has two loving parents, who behave like adults in front of him, and who are both happy with their new partners!
So seems successful? but like I say it's not my personal experience, but my partners.

SofiaAmes · 15/11/2004 23:21

Frizbe, that sounds like a really great, mature choice that your dh and his ex made. It sounds like you have married a real winner.

Mishmish, I commend you for trying to separate your ex's relationship with you from his relationship with your son. I agree that you should let him go out on his own with your ds as it's not healthy for you if you are there and it's important that he learns to have his own relationship with his son. If he has a stable environment, you should also encourage him to have your ds overnight as that will create a more "normal" relationship where he sees a full picture of caring for his child rather than just a meal and an outing.

Original poster
mishmish · 15/11/2004 23:41

Thank you. So good to get unbiased opinions on this. You are all giving me more confidence about letting them do things without me - I do find it hard but I know I have to let them have their own bit of space together.

OP posts:
Joanna3 · 16/11/2004 11:49

I agree with what has been said so far. It really is not a good idea to hang around when ex is seeing the kids. It just causes stress and makes arguments more likely. In the long run it will be better for you to establish a regular pattern of your ex seeing ds say every other w/end. I know it is really hard at first but eventually you will establish your own social life and then it will be good to have the odd w/end to yourself. My ex has the kids to stay the night every other w/end. Would this be possible for your ex or does he live too far away?We do have some flexibility i.e if a social event comes up but on the whole we try to keep to this schedule. Be friendly but don't hang around once he arrrives ie have bags packed or whatever in advance and then go out. Good luck - you are doing the best thing for your DS.

northstar · 16/11/2004 12:02

hi mishmish and welcome.
Ds goes swimming with his dd during his weekday visit, he really enjoys this. I read that it is very important for ds to learn to "trust" and rely on dd emotionally and physically, and that swimming/bath-time is an excellent way to achieve this as there is alot of intensive interaction.
(Plus there's a lifeguard on duty just in case If they went swimming you could be around, maybe sit in cafe read mags drink coffee relax.
Ds sees his dd one weekend day then one weekend overnight alternately, plus every wed eve, but he's only 7 miles away.

Bumblelion · 16/11/2004 12:07

My ex husband (although not legally separated or divorced) sees the children at the family house on a Wednesday night and has them overnight one night at the weekend with his girlfriend and her daughter (who is now 16). My children are nearly 12, 7.5 and just turned 3.

I saw a friend go through a nasty split up with her husband and I saw how it affected the children and I resolved to myself that my break-up with my ex-h would be different as far as the children are concerned.

At first it was very hard, especially him having "my baby" as I called her (although she was both of ours) with his girlfriend around. The one thing that blew it for me was taking the two elder ones on holiday and leaving the baby (9 months at the time) with him. He spent every weekend with his girlfriend (with the baby) and it broke my heart thinking that his girlfriend was going to get a bond with my DD.

Now we all get along fine - if my ex is working late on a Friday I drop the children off to his girlfriend and, once when I was stuck in the hairdressers - taking longer than expected, my BF collected the children from my ex.

I feel that mine and my ex's relationship is very good (we get along so well now we are not together) and it is good for the children to see.

Because my ex is such a good DIY man (and I am not), he very kindly replastered my son's bedroom wall last week (after the children were in bed) while I was out socialising with my BF. When I got home, me and BF sat downstairs watching telly until gone 11 while my EX was in my son's bedroom still working. That felt a bit strange, but I realise my ex was doing it for my son.

Original poster
mishmish · 16/11/2004 16:36

Thanks again everyone - it is so helpful to hear from others going through it. Bumblelion sounds like you have a really good arrangement and northstar, lifeguard comment made me laugh!

OP posts:
Original poster
mishmish · 20/11/2004 00:01

Just wanted to let you know that we've decided to try again & he has applied for 2 jobs close to home so fingers crossed & big thanks for the advice, it helped to clear my head. x

OP posts:
northstar · 20/11/2004 16:55

wow mishmish, thats great i hope. Good luck xx

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