Can't face introducing a partner to my Son

[SingleDadInIreland]

My ex and I split 4 years ago. She had an affair and it blindsided me. We get on fine these days and we live near to each other and split the parenting of our 8yo son 50/50. Neither of us is in a relationship (as far as I know).

About 2 years ago I met a woman and we got on great for 6 months but as soon as we got serious I ended it. I was terrified of introducing my son to anyone.

He is very shy and trusting and very, very close to me. I love him with all my heart. I know he would love his mum and me to get back together again, but neither of us wants that, but he's too young to understand why.

I had an opportunity to get back with the woman I had dated, and I keep pushing her away, even though I know we are a great match, and, if I am honest, I am lonely when my son is not with me. I just can't imagine her in my son's life. Or - more specifically - I can't imagine how to introduce her, and how he will react, and if it will upset him or cause him to reject me. I would rather avoid the whole situation, and miss out, than the risk of it going badly.

Is there a "good" age for kids to meet a parent's new partner?

Does anyone else feel this way - that they would rather be single and lonely than to risk rocking the boat?

I'd rather remain single than introduce anyone to my son. I'm a lone parent so I have 100% custody. His father is no longer part of the picture whatsoever.

Having once witnessed the absolute pain and torment of the loss of his father, I will not risk introducing someone new for them to possibly leave him also one day.

It's just the way it is, don't get me wrong I still date and everything I just don't ever let it go past dating. That's where my line is, and I don't cross it.

It's great that you don't rush it, it's terrifying when people do.

I just keep my bf and my son pretty separate. I've said to my bf that I have no intention of living with anyone while my son is at home, and he's fine with that. Having said that, my son is 17! So it's not going to be that long before it comes up again. I do like living alone though.

My son and bf have met, but only as much as he would meet a friend of mine - pretty casual.

Have you spoken to her about how she would feel not being introduced to your son? What makes you think he’d be so upset about you getting a girlfriend? Has mum got a new partner?

8 is not too young too understand why

I've been with someone since autumn 2020 and I still can't wrap my head around how to introduce him to my ds5. I wish I had an answer for you I feel like I have three separate lives, one life with son, one with new guy and another on my own I just can't bring myself to merge it all together through fear of it going wrong.

My sons dad has recently introduced a woman after a few months and I must admit it's made me feel sick like i'm no longer needed and the family unit is whole again. DS seemed to deal with it fine but I would have liked to have been given a heads up that it was happening.

@Winniemarysarah

Have you spoken to her about how she would feel not being introduced to your son? What makes you think he’d be so upset about you getting a girlfriend? Has mum got a new partner?

Yes, it's something we've discussed and she wants a full-time relationship i.e. move in and be together permanently.

@gertrudemortimer

I've been with someone since autumn 2020 and I still can't wrap my head around how to introduce him to my ds5. I wish I had an answer for you I feel like I have three separate lives, one life with son, one with new guy and another on my own I just can't bring myself to merge it all together through fear of it going wrong.

My sons dad has recently introduced a woman after a few months and I must admit it's made me feel sick like i'm no longer needed and the family unit is whole again. DS seemed to deal with it fine but I would have liked to have been given a heads up that it was happening.

It's comforting to hear that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I've a massive 4-way tug of war going on in my head at all times:

1. I love my son and want to protect him. I think that introducing someone could be detrimental at his current stage of development.

2. I'm lonely at times, getting older and I would love a partner to share my life with and all that entails.

3. I was devastated when my marriage ended. I don't know if I trust anyone not to hurt me again. I'm scared to get into something.

4. I'm setting my own course after being in a relationship for 16 years. I love my freedom. I actually like being single.

Put simply: I'm an over-thinking basket case, 99% of the time!

I'm not quite clear how open you were with the woman you were dating what the issues were?

I do think you will feel differently in a relatively short time - a few years - but I agree it may not feel short to her. 6 months is a very short time for her to be saying 'I want to move in together and that's the only way it can work for me'.

I agree with you that there is a huge push-pull triangle between really enjoying living on your own, general loneliness and the specific wish to be with someone you are seeing more of the time. I'm trying to enjoy missing my boyfriend - I never missed someone before because I always moved in with them so quickly! - but it's taking some getting used to! I'm not interested in living with him yet and happily he is OK with that.

OP, as someone whose partner has 2 children who I met when they were 6 and 2 after a year of dating, my advice would be that you don't have to force anything or introduce anybody as 'daddy's girlfriend' (or whatever) straight away. It doesn't have to be zero to 100 as soon as they meet.

My experience with my DP has been that things that he presents as positive are generally accepted as so by his children. He did a lot of groundwork in the lead up to me meeting them - he told them about his friend LittleMysSister, showed them pictures of me, said I was interested in things they were interested in, told them when he was doing things with me (just mentioning he'd been to the cinema with LittleMy etc etc). Not constant, just little mentions here and there so they were aware of my existence.

When I first met them, we went to a park and for a McDonalds, just for the afternoon, then I went home. After that I didn't see them again for a few weeks, but it meant they were familiar with me and where necessary I was able to be present when they were - for example, DP's birthday dinner with his family and the like. It made things so much easier and more natural for all of us.

We started doing a few days out together here and there, and they still had plenty of time with their dad alone. I was just like an occasional guest appearance, and then gradually it just became the norm that sometimes I'd be there. We have a great relationship now, have done holidays together and DP & I live together so they stay here with us both :)

Like your son, my SS is hugely close to my DP and massively values his time with him, but he has never had an issue with me being around. He loves his dad and he sees that his dad likes me, so he likes me too. Obviously I put the effort in to build a relationship with him through the years as well, and same with his sister.

My DP was also nervous about introducing me and how his children would take it. He really wanted them to like me and also didn't want them to feel upset or worried that he had a new partner, but it turned out just fine because we all took our time and didn't force anything.

I think with a 50/50 split, it's really only fair to date if you're willing to introduce someone to your child (not immediately, but when you know you'd like to be with this person longer term) as so much of your time is with him. I would not have stayed with my DP if he hadn't introduced me when he did, and he isn't even 50/50.

PS. Sorry for that super long post!!

@PermanentTemporary

I'm not quite clear how open you were with the woman you were dating what the issues were?

I do think you will feel differently in a relatively short time - a few years - but I agree it may not feel short to her. 6 months is a very short time for her to be saying 'I want to move in together and that's the only way it can work for me'.

I agree with you that there is a huge push-pull triangle between really enjoying living on your own, general loneliness and the specific wish to be with someone you are seeing more of the time. I'm trying to enjoy missing my boyfriend - I never missed someone before because I always moved in with them so quickly! - but it's taking some getting used to! I'm not interested in living with him yet and happily he is OK with that.

Thanks, I appreciate your perspective. And I appreciate the point about feeling different in a few short years. I often feel that if I don't do something now, then I'll miss my opportunity, but I guess you are right... in the great scheme of things, a few years isn't that long.

I honestly can't say how open I was when we first started. In the first few months we were just having fun getting to know each other and we never really sat down and discussed in detail what we were both looking for. I generally knew she was looking for something long-term and I thought I was (am) too. I just didn't expect to feel so torn-apart and anxious when she wanted to move things on and I wanted to just tread water.

I was with my ex for 16 years. I never expected to be dating again, to be honest, so all of this is new to me and I didn't know what to expect. It feels about 9,000 times more complicated now I'm in my forties, with a son, than it was the last time I dated... in my early 20s, skint, single, and care-free!

@LittleMysSister

PS. Sorry for that super long post!!

Not at all, it was excellent. Really made things seem less "high-stakes". It seems so reasonable when you put it as you did.

I think one of my concerns is because we had a 6-month relationship that ended when we tried to get serious, that if we get back together, we need to start off from where it ended... rather than go back to day one and start slow and build up. Maybe that's just in my head though.

Thanks for taking the time to post what you did, it was helpful and I appreciate it.

@SingleDadInIreland Yes I see what you mean, but 6 months is still a pretty new relationship by most people's standards so even if things pick up again from where you were then, I think she would be unfair to push an introduction at that point.

Only you can know whether this woman is someone you can see a future with yourself so would genuinely want to give it another crack. Also, you are best place to tell whether she is genuinely wanting to move very quickly or whether she might have been just been acting out of concern when sensing that you may not have any intention of introducing her to your son at all. It may be that if you told her you are willing to introduce her but would like it to be once you've been together for a year (or however long), she chills out a bit. However, I'd only say that if you do genuinely intend to do that.

I totally get that it's scary, and I think I'd feel that myself too in your shoes. But try not to forget that children don't think quite like us, and there is no reason this woman (or any woman you like going forward) can't start off as a friend to your son :) Taking him to the park/bowling/cinema together once as an introduction doesn't mean that she will then need to be a part of everything you do together or that she needs to start staying over straight away.

I completely appreciate her need to know that things can move forward as I felt that myself - my DP actually ended up finally introducing me because I got to the end of my rope and was about to end things with him as I had reached a point where I felt he had no intention of doing it and it was impacting us by then - but equally she needs to respect that you'd like to move gradually if you do go ahead with this.

@LittleMysSister - Yes - last time, the relationship was going well until she wanted to meet him, then I ended it.

I guess she wants to see some commitment from me so that she's not walking into the same situation. She was emotionally involved and I just pulled the rug last time. That must be hard for her to trust me again.

I feel the same as you. I won't be living with a partner again, not until my daughter moves out..which won't be for years as she's only 5. Luckily my new partner has kids a similar age and we have no desire to 'blend' households. We both like having our own space as well.

Does your new partner want or have kids? That's a biggie. You might feel comfortable living with someone in a few years, but you shouldn't feel rushed, because it'll probably not work out anyway unless both parties are completely on the same page.

Coming from a different perspective where I was the child in this situation I'm glad that my parents both found other people - I'm really close to both my stepparents and am glad that when it came to me going to uni I wasn't leaving either parent alone (I also have much younger half-siblings who I'm very close with). Honestly I would introduce them as soon as possible, as a friend at first if that makes it easier, and spend some quality time as a 3 doing something your son will enjoy and is easy for them to make conversation about (a trip to the zoo or something a bit different and exciting for him)

[quote SingleDadInIreland]@LittleMysSister - Yes - last time, the relationship was going well until she wanted to meet him, then I ended it.

I guess she wants to see some commitment from me so that she's not walking into the same situation. She was emotionally involved and I just pulled the rug last time. That must be hard for her to trust me again.[/quote]
Yeah I imagine so.

I guess it's good to bear in mind that if you do want to keep things quite separate from your son for the foreseeable future you may have better luck with another single parent rather than a childfree person. Most are very likely to want the more traditional relationship trajectory - at the very least I think most would want to end up living together - whereas another single parent might be more understanding and in agreement with taking it slow/living separately.

It’s not up to anyone else to decide when you should introduce your child to a current partner. It’s a parenting decision that needs to be respected. I personally would have an issue with a partner who tried to pressure me into meeting my child 6 months into a relationship.

It really isn’t something that I would want to rush. Personally I think 1year is the minimum I would have to be dating someone before I would even consider introducing them to my child and it wouldn’t be before I thought that my child was ready or ok with it.

Also, I would want to be well past that honeymoon period of a relationship and already be well established within the commitment phase.

Introducing my child to my partner would not be used as proof of commitment and neither would moving in together.

I would need to be certain of commitment and confidence in the relationship, trust in the relationship and a belief that it was long term before introducing my child.

That is how I personally feel and wouldn’t settle for anything less. Anyone who couldn’t understand or respect my decision regarding my child isn’t right for me even if we were compatible in a 100 other ways.

@SingleDadInIreland I don’t think that this is your one and only chance for a fulfilling relationship. The right person will understand and respect how you feel out your son.

Feel about not out your son.

I left EXH when DD was 3 months old (she's 4 now) and have been single since. I basically decided that I was happy dedicating myself to her for the foreseeable, so I can't see that changing any time soon. Life is much simpler with only me and her in it.

I am a bit extreme in that I disagree with stepdads and blended families. The children rarely like it. Just see somebody when you have free time maybe? Keep it separate.