Christmas presents from their dad

[Stridentlystrident]

Hi - hoping there is some advice on how to handle matters on presents.

My children have had no contact with their dad for 18 months as he was abusive to them. The only indirect contact point they have with him is that her is permitted (by court order) to send them a card and gifts for bdays, Easter and Xmas. The items are checked by an independently appointed person to check they are OK as he initially used to wrote things that upset the kids which was seen as coercive.

So....xmas is here again and there is a car load of gifts to be delivered to us. I've been told this is more than one boot full.

I hate things coming into my home that he has touched as it feels like his influence is physically here and it sets off severe anxiety, panic attacks etc for me. It takes me back to feeling like I'm under his control and this isn't my home, which I've worked hard to make safe and happy for my family. It actually makes me feel dirty and ashamed, right back to those feelings of being attacked and sexually assaulted.

On the other side, I want my children to have this indirect contact through cards and gifts if they want it. They don't want to see him atm and have been clear on that for years, but as they are young they do like presents. I want to support them to have whatever relationship they feel OK with.

How do I balance my trauma reaction to anything linked to him with being supportive of the kids?

Totally get it. How old are your kids? Are they old enough to say how they feel about it?

Personally they'd all be going to the local charity shop but I guess there could be repercussions for you if you did that.

How do they feel about it? You say they want them so I would go with that, do you claim maintenance? As I don’t see it as much different from accepting that money tbh as it’s come from him.

Tell them the presents are from Father Christmas. Get independent person to open all the presents first to check for any that aren’t suitable.

I do understand the not wanting anything he’s given in the house. I would feel the same.

Can they be delivered and opened,with any labels removed, at another address? As Babyiskickingmyribs suggests, you could say they are from Father Christmas. As there is a lot you could ask the children to choose a certain number each and donate the rest to the Salvation Army or another charity to help children who would not get a present otherwise.

Thanks, these are good suggestions.

The kids like presents, but they get unsettled whenever he has indirect contact. For one, the nightmares tend to resurface and it generally brings up anger and hurt for both. It can have a knock on effect for weeks. They're both young (7 and 9) so are at the age where sackloads of presents are too much of a draw regardless of the after effects they seem to get. Their dad knows that and sends a really silly amount of gifts, many of which seem aimed at scoring points with me (ie based on themes which were part of our marriage or in jokes we had)

Being generous you could say it is a sign of his love for them, being cynical you could say that love is about far more than expensive gifts and this is simply another attempt to buy them / cause turmoil and hurt. He is very angry with the children as they have been clear they dont want to see him. He has two diagnosed cluster B personality disorders and his need to provoke reactions is part of his make up.

I think there is a difference between CM and gifts. One is purely transactional and involves no interaction between us. The money is spent on things they choose and meeting their needs. Gifts are personally chosen, picked with intent and handled by him. If you were raped, would you want anything that person had physically touched or something they had invested time/thought into anywhere in your home. It is the only safe place I have and I have worked so hard to make it that way for all of us. There is a non-mol order preventing him coming here in person so he gets in this way. His ability to casually enter my home with his influence makes me feel frightened. It sounds silly, but it is the trauma that he caused. I am trying to do the right thing despite this and balance the children's rights, his rights and my own.

I just don't know.

I totally get it. I have been NC with my father since I was a child and used to hate it when I would visit my grandmother (his mother) and she would dutifully bring out piles of 'lovely presents' that he had left there for me.

Can you open them somewhere else (eg at a relative's house) and leave them there? Or if you can afford it, can you donate them all to a worthwhile cause and replace them with something you have chosen? That way the kids still get something but there is no link to him.

I'm in a similar situation. Ex only allowed letters and presents at the moment . But he has stopped sending the letters. For her birthday she got a huge box of presents, so I'm expecting the same for Xmas.

I decided just to play it straight. Here's your presents from Daddy. I didn't make a big deal of it. She was delighted (similar age, loves presents) and when she picked out a specific crafting toy, I helped her make it. But, I left it completely to her and soon enough, everything was opened and mixed in with all the presents from myself and everyone else, and neither of us regard the presents any differently to what everyone else bought. Over time, they'll get cleared out, like everything else, as she gets older.

It takes a lot of emotional energy, that your kids might pick up on, to find other ways to deal with it. Just a suggestion.