Being a single mum

[creaturcomforts]

I've now been alone for 2.5 years after splitting up with my husband of 15 years, we have a daughter now 14 and he chose to have no contact with dd. This was no surprise tbh, it was a hard relationship for me and he never seemed interested in our child but wanted the attention that a child would like if that makes sense.

Well anyway I have been by choice single as I feel like I've escaped an abusive relationship and I can concentrate on dd now 14 who is the most important thing in my life. We are close and she has started to forget that her father has walked away without contact, I don't want to put her through any more trauma and I'm honestly happy being single, independent and strong willed , I hated having someone else trying to dictate my life.

Thing is that many people when you get to know them feel sorry for me being alone and make me feel inadequate, as though I should be with someone and that they have my pity? You try to explain but it's all a couples thing at my age (mid 40s) and I feel like a failure!

I feel grateful that my child is happy now and is developing into their own person and I no longer feel controlled and am happy, but made to feel like I'm the odd one out. Can anyone identify with this feeling and give me some advice?

Yes I get this too only I’ve been single double the time, so 5 years, even my mum said it would be nice if I met someone! I never speak about meeting people or dating so it’s certainly not something I’ve said to encourage comments and etc, I think a lot of people seem to think if you haven’t met someone you aren’t over your ex and that’s why, my ex use to imply this however we no longer have contact now and like you he doesn’t see our children but mine are much younger so no way I could realistically date even if I wanted to

I'm sure their marriages are far from perfect OP! in fact looking at pretty much most couples I know there are serious flaws in the relationships, so much so that often it is easier to be single. And apparently single women are happier than married women, statistically.

Go pursue your own passions and hobbies and get some new non-judgemental friends :)

They're probably jealous 😂😂.

I'm a lone parent to a primary aged child. I've been single 2.5 years and am in my early 30's.

People do ask me, when am I going to meet someone new or "move on" .

I simply reply, I don't need or want another person in my life, I'm happy, leave me be. I have no man child to deal with, I don't have to compromise, I don't have to negotiate anything, I don't have to argue with anyone or have anyone "upset me", no trivial arguments, no in laws.

Just freedom, and it's absolute bliss.

They soon shut up realising my life is easier 🤣

And apparently single women are happier than married women, statistically

Tbf its single women without children that are said to be happier than married.

I hate it when people try to match me up with their single male friends/relatives - I'm almost always insulted by their choices 😂 (and it's annoying too, I don't want a man in my life right now). Sometimes I feel like Bridget Jones if BJ had 4 dc

I have two very dear friends who were concerned that I was anti-men when I adamantly said I didn't want to meet anyone. I've recently said to them that although I will never, ever do online dating again I would be open to meeting someone now.
Then I hug myself with happiness that I'm single and they are satisfied. Pretty impossible to meet and develop a relationship as a lone parent with no help so no chance of it happening.
These two friends have been there for me and babysit so that I can go to work functions/my Christmas party so I figure a little white lie doesn't hurt.

Yes, I just try and remember that I was in a 'happy relationship' that was actually full of stress and problems. So I assume that at least some of them are also having problems that aren't apparent from the outside... I felt much more lonely when I was in my relationship (not all the time - but much more intensely when I did which which was fairly often). Society has taught people that the sole purpose of life is to be coupled up, and if you're not you must be searching for someone and won't be happy until it happens.. I think this also means people end up sticking with not great relationship just because they can't bear the thought of being single!!

OP I could have written exactly what you have!

This is the longest I have been single since my divorce ten years ago (now 4 years single). I'm far less stressed concentrating on my 2 teen DC and myself. I love being independent and in charge of my life, not having to deal with dramas and disappointments that came with my previous relationships - I find life far more tranquil. It's slightly annoying not being invited to dinner parties or socials because you are not in a couple, but then I remember how boring that shit is.

All my friends are married and I seem to be a sounding board for their grievances within their relationship, I empathise with them and then they go back to their dysfunctional (sometimes abusive) relationships, that's annoying.

I find that people just don't believe you when you say you are happy being single, and they sometimes tell you how life will get lonely when the kids grow up and you should find someone before it's too late'.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner but then I remember the way my past partners have always seemed to be so interfering and generally unreasonable and how my life was always an emotional rollercoaster when in a relationship - I don't want that upheaval for myself or my kids again.

Honestly, I could do with some likeminded people in the same boat as me and who feel the same to hang out with either IRL or virtually - shall we start a thread for us lot? Smug Self Partnereds?

I hear this ..
I have 5 kids so quite different but 3 are grown I'm only 37 and a lot of people have said "you don't want to be alone forever"

But I can't see any benefits of being part of a couple?

I do get pity and a lot of the time don't know how to react to it tbh

Yes, I used to hear "have you met someone yet" so often from married friends, smug and patronising in one go, like I was no one without a man in tow. And the disbelief that I was happy on my own and not just putting a brave face on, really bloody annoying!

I get that too, but yanbu, I'm happier as I am too.

The lack of stress is such a relief.

It doesnt help that most threads from lone parents are from most who are struggling. No disrespect to those that are.

Gives the impression we must need rescuing.