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Original poster

Another slightly morbid question

21 replies

wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 13:54

The other threads about guardianship have reminded me to ask this but don't want to hijack the other threads. As many of you know, am currently getting divorced and no 'satisfactory' access arrangements have been made yet but dd lives with me and hasn't seen UH at all since the end of June, which was for 30 seconds, and the end of Dec 2003 before that.

Basically, what can I do to try and avoid, if i was to die, him getting custody of dd? Is there anything I can do? Have asked my solicitor about it before but keep getting the 'wait until you're divorced' brush-off. Basically he's a violent tosser who didn't care about her when we were together and obviously cares eve less about her now, so the last thing I'd want if I anything did happen to me is for her to go to him. I live with my parents atm so they see her every day and my sis sees her at least once a week, if not more so she's well used to all my family and would be settled with them if I wasn't here.

But as he is on her birth certificate and officially still her dad (that's a laugh) what can I do?

OP posts:
lisalisa · 15/11/2004 14:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:13

Thanks lisalisa. I have been looking into making a will and need to get my arse in gear to do it asap, but the sworn statement is an extra I hadn't thought of, thanks. And it hadn't really hit home that he probably wouldn't realise for a while - I know its morbid but I need to be practical - the idea of her living with him scares me far more than death!!!

My best friend has said to me that if anything did happen she'd be happy to do what she could, including looking after dd if need be so I do thankfully have a back-up to my family. Have also taken out a reasonable life insurance because I thought then at least there'd be no argument over who could afford to look after dd, and there'd be money for legal fees if needed.

Thanks for the advice - I need to get it all signed and sealed now.

OP posts:
northstar · 15/11/2004 14:16

It is my worst nightmare tbh wobblyknicks (oops nearly called you wobblyknocks - sorry but mine v sore)
Even though my ds's dd and I never even lived together or had relationship it seems that he would get custody if something happened to me. even if it was specifically against my wishes, because he pays maintenance and has regular access and basically because he is his dad. scary. Hope you have more luck, spell out your reasons and your concerns and have it recorded and noted as lisalisa says.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:18

Poor you northstar. Have you made a will, set out your reasons etc etc?

OP posts:
northstar · 15/11/2004 14:18

Aaaagh, life insurance. How could you make sure that he didnt go for custody to get the money? OMG
could that happen?

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:20

northstar - the life insurance is made out to go straight to my sister, its got nothing to do with dd. Luckily I think I can trust my sister enough to do what I've said I want done with the money. So there's no way UH can get his hands on it unless he robs her bank.

OP posts:
northstar · 15/11/2004 14:23

oh i see, mine goes into trust for ds, presumably for when he's 18? But can just see dd in court claiming he's BROKE but really wants to do the best by ds etc etc? I wasnt sure that life insurance could go to "anyone" (as opposed to someone who would be affected by your demise) if that makes sense

northstar · 15/11/2004 14:24

sorry, you started this to get advice and now here i am looking for advice from you

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:25

Yep, if you've taken the life insurance out yourself and pay for it yourself, you can name any beneficiary you like and no-one can make any claim on it. Obviously, if you leave it to someone else you have to be sure you can trust them to use it for your ds but that's the only thing to worry about.

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:26

northstar - don't worry, might as well share q's and info!! I started the thread but I'm not going to get territorial over it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:28

Mind you, now I think, i think there's is something where you can bind it in trust for a child and it can't be touched in any circumstances apart from by that child when they're the age you specify - and you can say any age, a friend of mine had one that released when she was 30. Best to check with who provides the life insurance.

OP posts:
northstar · 15/11/2004 14:29

ooooh lovely an uncontentious(sp?)friendly one
I can trust my mum, but will worry more if something happens to her - not that it's likely to. But really wk, we are going to be around for the next 50/60 years so what we worrying about

northstar · 15/11/2004 14:30

we WILL outlive those men!!!

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:33

I like useful friendly threads, and smutty friendly threads!!

We definitely will outlive them but it's Sod's Law - if we worry about it and spend ages making provisions for it we won't need them, whereas if we don't, we will need them!! If you're worried about your mum, do you have a good friend who you could name? Maybe not someone perfect, but better than ds' dad?

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:36

The other side effect is if I make all those provisions and the worst happens, even if dd ebnds up living with UH (argh!) she'll still know when she's older (and realises that he's a twat) that I tried my best for her and that everything that could be done was. That alone is worth it.

OP posts:
northstar · 15/11/2004 14:37

Hey, anyone's better than him (apart from your UH maybe
Not doing the smutty ones as not sure how far to go will wait til i'm more clued in to mn dont want the rep of being the one that goes one step further iykwim

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:38

LOL - pick a random woman then!!

Well you're welcome in the smutty ones any time you want - and the characters that are on there at the moment would make it very difficult to go one step further - they've already done it all themselves (not including me in that of course! )!!!

OP posts:
northstar · 15/11/2004 14:40

LOL wk !

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 15/11/2004 14:43

Oh well, will have to go and get back to real life!! Thanks for the chat, we'll both be 'here' aged 95 rocking in armchairs with our kids beside us, telling them how things used to be in 'the good old days'!!!

OP posts:
mandajane2004 · 26/11/2004 22:45

Just thought I would say that I was advised by my solicitor to make a will stating that I wanted my bro and sis in law to care for my ds...and then include a letter type thing stating my reasons for not wanting exp to have him...couldnt find a big enough sheet of paper to be honest but thats what I was advised to do

joash · 26/11/2004 23:12

Wobblyknicks - Not sure where you live, think you're in the UK?

If so try; Family Rights group on;

www.frg.org.uk

or their free, confidential ADVICE SERVICE

0800 731 1696. Open Mon to Fri, 10am-12pm & 1.30pm-3.30pm

If you email them with a message they will get someone to call you. I found them invaluable when going through the court case with grandson. They were very useful.

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