What to do (or not do) when parenting styles radically differ?

[SilverStraps]

One of my dc has severe anxiety, elder sibling has ASD and this dc has some traits, so I suspect not fully ND.

He has had serious school refusal issues for the past 18months, which through very careful handling have just begun to smooth out.

I have learned from years of trial and error that he responds well to positive parenting, involving him in decisions, explaining why when he can't get what he wants, natural consequences, allowing him to have control over things which he can age appropriately control.

Ex has always been authoritarian, he had a period of no contact for over a year and for the last year he has seen the dc once a month (court ordered). He was ordered to do a parenting course and this appears to have made him even more authoritarian. He thinks the way to help with the anxiety is to be super strict and dictate everything and not allow the dc to choose anything. I am left to deal with the consequences when he has been like this in phone contact, and to take phone calls from upset dc wanting to come home from contact because 'dad is mean'. On the last such phone call I heard ex saying to dc, in a shop so in public, that if he didn't stop making a fuss he would smack him. Dc is 10. Ex didn't smack him but the threat certainly didn't help anything. He used to smack them when we were together but since the cafcass involvement I think he has realised he can't do that.

I am guessing there is nothing I can do but continue to do what I know works at my end and pick up the pieces when dc are upset by exs behaviour?

I'm in a similar boat, not really sure what to tell you as I've not involved the court in contact yet. When he has them once a month how long is it for, overnight? Can you go back to your solicitor (if you have one ref court contact) to check with them? I don't think you can stop contact unilaterally as you could get into trouble, but if you can show court it's not working for the DC maybe they can change the order?

In my situation ex is very authoritarian, controlling and still tries getting at me via the DC, I do grey rock with him and have to liaise with school for DC. You can look up parallel parenting, which is where you can't co-parent due to differing styles. It's very hard for the DC as they have to go (if no safeguarding issues), but keep a record of everything in case you have ongoing concerns and maybe need to go back to court. I could be wrong but I think court/cafcass take their 'feelings and wishes' into account from around age 10. Maybe the DC will think with their feet when they get old enough, my oldest has (13), his relationship with his dad has broken down and they have almost no contact. Eldest also has anxiety and school refusal, suspected autism/adhd, ex has no understanding of this and makes no accommodations for DS.

Can I ask please what helped you with turning around your child's school refusal, although not wanting to derail your thread.