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Original poster

Ex telling DD I'm taking her away from him

32 replies

PurpleNebula84 · 06/12/2021 22:49

More of a rant than anything.
Currently on 50/50 split with ex, but I will soon be moving 40 mins away to be nearer my family, and his family too.
Today during tea (or dinner depending where you're from) DD (4) asks me why I'm taking her away from Daddy. I obviously explain she'll still see Daddy, I'm not taking her away, she can (even now) ring/video call him whenever she wants and we'll be closer to family and his mum and dad too. I then asked her if someone had told her I'm taking her away and if so, who. She replied "Daddy". I didn't say anything else, but I'm honestly a bit peeved. I didn't even make any plans to go until I'd discussed it with him and he seemingly gave his blessing on it (I'm guessing probably because he's found being a parent more than he has been before a lot more difficult than he anticipated).
I've documented it the notebook I have, but part of me feels like confronting him - my brain says let it slide for now and raise it if she says something similar again?
Another thing she's come out with is she doesn't like dancing anymore as 'it takes too long' - fair play Ex has been taking her, but he's previously made it abundantly clear he thinks dancing etc (except swimming) are unnecessary and pointless. I have an inkling he's complained as the group she is now in, the parents don't get to watch and have to drop & go and pick back up. I don't think he likes having to wait around for 45 mins.
Should I raise it, or just let it go for now?

OP posts:
2boysDad · 07/12/2021 12:09

I'm confused - will you still be continuing with your 50/50 split?

If so, he's being an arse.

Original poster
PurpleNebula84 · 07/12/2021 16:28

No, unfortunately 50/50 won't be possible due to DD being at school - I'm moving about 40mins away from where we are currently - so not the other side of the country, but quite impactive before work - he's also only got a works van and they're not happy him pootling up and down in it (never mind if he is actually covered insurance wise) xx

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleNebula84 · 07/12/2021 16:33

So yes, his contact will unfortunately be reduced.

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 07/12/2021 16:41

Well it’s true isn’t it?

you’ve decided to reduce his access because you want to move away. So yes, you’re taking her away from him.

It shouldn’t be down to you to just decide his access, will be reduced, how would you feel if he decided to move away and take her with him and told you you could video call her whenever you wanted?

Have you considered that he could go to court and prevent you from taking her away? or make it compulsory that you do all the driving to maintain 50/50 access?

I understand why you might want to move but tbh when you have children and another involved parent you can’t just make those decisions unilaterally.

Rtmhwales · 07/12/2021 16:43

Well he's not wrong..

If he's agreed to this then that's that. I wouldn't confront him though, not sure what that would achieve really.

PermanentTemporary · 07/12/2021 16:44

I'd say he is definitely wrong to say that to your dd but yes, in fact it will impact his time with her. The fact that he's only just good enough as a dad is one thing but he is her dad and she deserves the best relationship she can have with him.

Is there any other way?

2boysDad · 07/12/2021 16:49

I still can't get my head round this.

You're moving but you're unilaterally deciding to take your daughter with you because she will be at school. But surely the school is where she is now or are you wanting to move/start her at a new school?

If that's the case then he's 100% correct - you are "taking her away from him"??

IAAP · 07/12/2021 16:54

I would text him - almost logging it

‘Please can you not phrase things to X as I’m taking you away from her- this is not helpful for co parenting or amicable. X is 4 and it is not acceptable for a 4 year old to be manipulated in terms of you trying to blame me. We are moving nearer your family and mine -this will give x more family input etc it is important that x knows that she is loved very much and equally by both of us thanks ‘ or words to that effect

It could get nasty in which case texts like mine were useful in court as they proved consistently that he was trying to upset the emotional well being of the children

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2021 16:57

He's not wrong. Poor bloke.

Unless he's abusive.

FindingMyselfAgain2022 · 07/12/2021 16:57

I agree with others - he shouldn't have said it to her, but it is correct.

I don't see why his access should be reduced because you've chose to move away? Regardless of being closer to grandparents. You and her Dad are her main caregivers and you're changing that.

We have my DSD 50/50 and my DH would be devastated. In fact, he just wouldn't allow it without at least going through the courts to fight it as much as he could.

luverlybubberly · 07/12/2021 16:59

He's not wrong but shouldn't have said it to your dd. Poor girl Sad

Same with the dance class. As you're moving, she's presumably going to a new studio and dad might not be taking her so I would let it lie

Original poster
PurpleNebula84 · 07/12/2021 17:08

Whoa - hang on there - you're putting words in there that I haven't said - I haven't unilaterally decided anything. I discussed it with him BEFORE ANYTHING WAS AGREED OR PUT IN PLACE. Considering I have been the primary care giver for the last 4.5 years and he has only requested 50/50 contact that has only been happening for the last EIGHT WEEKS and twice I have had had to step in to save the day when he couldn't make HIS arrangements - then YES - My daughter is coming with me and HE HAS AGREED - I also sought legal advice too and with the distance HE WOULD unlikely be able to prevent me from going through court as PSO's are usually only awarded where the child's whereabouts is likely to be unknown - I'm moving to my parents with his parents on the same street. He has no support up (save for me when he needs it) and neither do I.
My umbrage is the fact he has said TO MY DAUGHTER I AM TAKING HER AWAY FROM HIM. There is no need for that, whatever his personal opinion is, he shouldn't air it like that to a 4 year old.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 07/12/2021 17:09

It’s too late now though - he’s said it to her

crosbystillsandmash · 07/12/2021 17:14

Why are you so angry?
You asked for opinions and have got them.
Tough if you don't like them!

Would you like to live 40 minutes away from your dd? No, thought not.

luverlybubberly · 07/12/2021 17:17

It's a massive drip feed to say that the 50/50 has been the last 8 weeks and he's not done 50/50 on 2 of those weeks. People generally only read the OP and no updates so they would have assumed it's always been 50/50 iyswim

Either way, he shouldn't have said anything to your dd. It's not fair on her Sad

crosbystillsandmash · 07/12/2021 17:20

@luverlybubberly

It's a massive drip feed to say that the 50/50 has been the last 8 weeks and he's not done 50/50 on 2 of those weeks. People generally only read the OP and no updates so they would have assumed it's always been 50/50 iyswim

Either way, he shouldn't have said anything to your dd. It's not fair on her Sad

I think the 'drip feed' is because op hasn't liked the responses she's had!
LethargicActress · 07/12/2021 17:20

Of course he shouldn’t have shared his feelings about your move with your dd. Parents aren’t perfect though, it wasn’t the worst mistake.

He is completely justified in feeling that you’re taking his dd away though, despite everything you’ve said and despite valid reasons for you wanting to move.

christmaspombear · 07/12/2021 17:21

But he wouldn't be pootling in his van, if you move surely you'll be doing all the travelling?

Spidey66 · 07/12/2021 17:26

@christmaspombear

But he wouldn't be pootling in his van, if you move surely you'll be doing all the travelling?
I assume that the child will be attending school local to mum, which will increase daily travel time if they are 50/50 and dad has to do school runs.
Original poster
PurpleNebula84 · 07/12/2021 17:31

I'll help him where I can and I've told him that too - meeting half way etc. I am not being obstructive in helping him maintain a relationship with his daughter in anyway shape or form. The van is something he has recently brought up despite having used it for his own personal use before.

OP posts:
Fameinaframe · 07/12/2021 17:33

'I then asked her if someone had told her I'm taking her away and if so, who'

Very direct question there!

There is a massive chance that she has been told about the move and has worked out in her little head that you are taking her away from her dad. And because you asked as you did directly putting blame on someone she answered accordingly.

lunar1 · 07/12/2021 17:39

The travel logistics will be yours to figure out, how can you move that distance if you can't facilitate the majority of the travel?

Original poster
PurpleNebula84 · 07/12/2021 17:43

The way I asked was more of an open question than the way Ive phrases it in my post,.so apologies for that - I was more than conscious of sliding her into a rabbit hole with a closed question.

OP posts:
singlemum203 · 07/12/2021 21:00

I think you're completely in the right OP and majority of the responses on here are way off. He shouldn't have said that to your daughter at the end of the day. It's not true, fair or right to say that, in that way, to a four year old. Especially if he has agreed!! And especially if he has been slacking in the dad duty department. Think you're doing the right thing completely by the sounds of it.
Good luck to you!

Original poster
PurpleNebula84 · 07/12/2021 21:42

Thank you @singlemum203.

I could reel off a million and one reasons as to why it's the right decision for both my daughter and I, but I'd probably be accused of drip feeding again. I'm not taking her to the moon - its a lot shorter distance than a lot of people commute on a daily basis - and he's agreed to it.

OP posts: