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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex in HMO

15 replies

Anyhelpplz234 · 28/11/2021 22:49

I’m looking for some advice on anyone in a similar or has been through something similar. Basically my daughters father is living in a HMO with 4 other men, currently I am restricting overnight contact as I believe this is completely inappropriate, these men are not checked and they share a kitchen/living space, when I say living space I mean it’s a room filled with all their junk! There’s no sofas or tv it’s just boxes and rubbish, the room he has there is tiny, and there is barely any room for him let alone our 2 year old. We have recently been through mediation to try and solve this issue, however, he is still saying he believes this accommodation is suitable as he’s spoken to them and ‘they are okay’, he has now threatened court action to have her stay. I’ve looked everywhere online and am struggling to find answers as to what the court deems to be appropriate when it comes to HMO’s. Please can anyone advise who is in a similar position or perhaps had the same problem and been through the courts and what your outcome was? I’m really struggling. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 29/11/2021 00:40

Not the same but interested in following, my ex has a 3 bed house but he rents out every single room, he has 3 men living there and sleeps in the living room meaning our children have never been able to go there, and he has never had them over night since we split, there’s no point in them going there as he lives 2 hours away so isn’t worth it for the day, he’s chosen to live this way and doesn’t mind not having them there, we have 4 kids (!) so definitely wouldn’t be suitable, luckily he isn’t fussed about having them and would rather not see them than change his living situation (he’s chosen not to see them instead) I did post about it in the past and people told me court would allow him to have them there even with his situation, so would be interested to see if others have been through this and what happened.

Unreasonabubble · 29/11/2021 00:46

Excuse me! But let him take you to Court. There is no space for her, there is not even her own bedroom! The Court will not look on him with any favour.

Lots of men "threaten" to take their EX's to Court. It is only because they want them to give in.

If he wants to take you to Court, then let him. His expense, his puffed up aggressive response.

The Judge will decide what is best for your child.

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 29/11/2021 06:48

Let him take you to court.

No judge worth their salt would put a child (let alone a 2 year old!!) in that sort of a situation. There's no room for her for a start, before we take in to account the fact that there's random men in the property and that it's a tip.

Unfortunately, HMOs and house shares don't work when you're a parent.

He can still see her, just not overnight - perfectly reasonable in my eyes.
Why does he* want* her to stay in a HMO overnight?! He's not thinking of her at all.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 29/11/2021 07:01

The courts won't be looking for an ideal solution, just one that's good enough. Her not having her own room probably won't be a consern.
Other unknown men in the house? Who knows? I think I would be looking more at asking my ex what things he would be putting in place to safeguard the child .
I have been in the situation where my ex had unsuitable accommodation. The only thing the courts care about is if the child is safe.

Original poster

Anyhelpplz234 · 29/11/2021 08:28

I’ve told him he can see her during the day but not overnight until the situation changes and it’s still not good enough, I get he wants to see her but none of these men have had any kind of checks and there is just no space for her

OP posts:

rbe78 · 29/11/2021 09:16

So if you ever choose to bring someone home to your house (friend, partner, relative) that hasn't been DBS cleared, than your ex will be entitled to take your kids away from you and ensure they never spend time in your house again? Councils shove entire families into single room 'emergency housing', so one adult and one small child in a room sohuldn't be a problem.

You seem to have come out of this relationship with a house big enough for you and yor child, whilst all your ex can afford is a small room in an HMO - but is still desperate to be an active part of his child's life. Surely sharing a room with their dad is not so horriific an experience that it is worse than them not having a relationship with their dad?

rbe78 · 29/11/2021 09:18

@Unreasonabubble

Excuse me! But let him take you to Court. There is no space for her, there is not even her own bedroom! The Court will not look on him with any favour.

Lots of men "threaten" to take their EX's to Court. It is only because they want them to give in.

If he wants to take you to Court, then let him. His expense, his puffed up aggressive response.

The Judge will decide what is best for your child.

Puffed-up aggressive response? The mother of his child is refusing him access despite mediation - what other option but court is left to him?

Baker90 · 29/11/2021 09:31

On a side note, generally HMO's have a no under 18's rule....

Viviennemary · 29/11/2021 09:33

I can see both sides here. It isn't ideal. If I felt as strongly as OP does then I would let it go to court. But on the other hand the Dad does want to see his child and have some sort of relationship. You sound very dismissive and unsympathetic about your ex's living arrangements. I don't suppose would be sharing an overcrowded house with four other men if he could afford better.

CarelessSquid07A · 29/11/2021 09:43

I've lived in a Hmo with my Mum when our finances were poor. Social services didn't bat an eyelid so I doubt the courts will either.

bez91 · 29/11/2021 11:56

@Baker90 is right OP on the no U18s rule. That's if it's a regulated HMO ie through a housing association/charity. If a private HMO they're a rule to themselves

unicornsarereal72 · 29/11/2021 12:37

My ex was in a house share. His gf and 2 other males.

For a number of reasons school raised a safe guarding and social services were involved.

The children were sleeping on Air beds on his bedroom floor 2 nights a fortnight.

As others have pointed out. You can't vet everyone. Both parents are fit to look after their children's well being and risk assessment those around them.

Many families also sleep in one room.

So neither of these are a safe guarding concern.

The physical and emotional distress my children suffered was and the over nights stopped because of that.

If you are worried I would call social services or nspcc for advice.

BingBongToTheMoon · 29/11/2021 12:44

You said the men your ex lives with are unchecked……unchecked by whom?
Do you/ will you check every single person your child comes into contact with when with you?
These men aren’t unknown to her dad (true, he might not know them WELL, but it’s his judgement call).

TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 29/11/2021 14:06

If you were in the same position as the ex here, would you really want your child to stay overnight?
It's not benefiting her in any way, shape or form. It's purely for him.

OP isn't stopping him from seeing the child, just saying no to overnights until he's in suitable accommodation - what's wrong with that?

As a parent, I can't imagine wanting my daughter to stay overnight in a house where (by the sounds of it) she wouldn't have room for a bed/toys..

unicornsarereal72 · 29/11/2021 15:31

@TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits sadly not everyone is in that position to be able to ensure both homes are of that standard. Is it safe (you can't police everyone you as a parent make a judgement) is it clean. Will she have some fun. Cuddles and time with her dad.

I didn't approve of my kids staying at their dads. They lived with people I didn't know. All sleeping in the same room But it was one night a fortnight. They made up beds watched films on his big tv and had take away. The kids loved it. They kids. Voted with their feet when they felt too old for this arrangement.

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