Stepmother bad mouthing me to my child

[honestlywhy]

I was hoping someone could help as it causing me great stress. I am having a few issues with my oldest son who is 10 at the moment with lying about being sick to get out of school etc. Me and his dad have been split up for 8 years and he has since remarried and had more children.

Recently my son has been telling me that his stepmother has been bad mouthing me and his dad doesn't stop it. My son says he doesn't say anything as he doesn't want to make things worse for everyone. Me and my ex don't get on so I can't bring it up to him. I see the stepmother on the school run sometimes too so can't avoid her.

It's making me second guess myself and I hate my son being in the middle. How can I disengage from the comments. I've told my son I don't want to know anymore of what gets said at his dads house.

What is the link between your 2 scenarios? DS is lying to get out of school. Why? For attention possibly. Is he lying about his DSM so that you give him attention maybe too?

Problems with wanting to attend school are not just to do with a lack of attention at home. It’s a complex issue. But of course it’s easy to just resort to blaming the home environment. Normally if I child doesn’t want to go to school it’s because of problems in THAT environment. Bullying, unaddressed learning difficulties, anxiety. It could be any and all of these.

@MultiStorey

I think I would handle it differently, by equipping your son to see this for what it is. Could you ask him: “Gosh, it’s a little but rude to talk about people behind their back!” “Why do you think she would say something like that, might she be jealous?” “Saying nothing is so wise of you darling, do you see that you can choose to say nothing, but still have your own opinion on what’s said.” “Are you worried she might be right, do you want to talk about it.” Can you demonstrate that you don’t pay any attention to what is said. Just be not bothered. I don’t think leaving him to cope with this all alone is fair, or the best way to handle it.

This is good advice.

But the issue of him not wanting to go to school is a separate one. Are you getting support with that?

We had this issue and the way I responded was to acknowledge that it must have been upsetting to hear step mom saying unkind things, and to reaffirm that in our family we don't say unkind things about other people. I also explained that people can have their views and we don't have to agree with them. I made it all about how DD felt and in no way reacted / responded to the very unpleasant things said about me. It took the 'power' out the words for DD to see me brush it off and really not care about step mom's opinion.

It's worth exploring if the school refusal has anything to do with the tension during contact. In my experience, these can indeed be linked. During primary, I could chart DD's school refusal according to how well / bad contact was going.. if she had a bad weekend you could be sure it was going to be tricky to get her to school. She also often felt ill etc - Its a way of finding control over their lives in world in which they feel they have none. Focusing on healthy coping strategies helps, as does counselling. If you've not spoken to the school I'd urge you to do so as they can often arrange for counselling in the school.