Hey I'm sorry I'm advanced for my rambling I just need to get all this out of my head.
I'm 31 years old only ever been in two serious relationships and they both messed me up. I got with an older man age 16 had two kids married him , he turned into a raging alcoholic so I left him when my son was one. He unfortunately passed away when my son was 6 due to his drinking, I entered a new relationship soon after leave my 2 first borns dad and the last 8 years have really took its toll on me , he was super controlling , emotionally abusive cohersive , the absolute definition of a narcissist violent , I left him about 3 years ago went into a womens refuge, months later he said said all the right things made all the right promises and I let him into my new life , two weeks it took for me to regret that. But three years of hell went past we had his son )from his previous) living with us and I found out I was pregnant (he wanted baby) I'm not saying I didn't want a baby but I was happy as things was during my pregnancy there was 13 police referrals made about me about me being an awful mother beating his son etc , I was under so much stress I'd been cleared by police and social services but the whole situation was just awful. I got rushed into hospital with pre eclampsia and had to have baby early I requested the police investigate to find out who was doing this and so they did they saw the toll it was taking on me. This is just the tip of the ice burg by the way. I wasn't allowed friends or family he caused me and my sister to fist fight , I wasn't allowed out of the house on my own , I wasn't allowed to wear what I wanted I was fully under his control. I had to take a loan out to have a dna test on the baby he wanted ? During pregnancy and he refused to do it throughout the pregnancy so tourtured me throughout the pregnancy about baby not being his I was pregnant and sleeping on my 12year old daughters floor. When he finally did dna test and I proved she was his I tampered with test and she still not his apparently.
Anyways I got a phone call from the police on the Tuesday and they found who's been doing it and would be round the following week to tell me, I was over the moon finally get to find out who's doing this, he straight away says police are going to set him up , didn't sleep all week he is anxious etc and police turned up two days before my birthday and arrest him!!! He was the one doing it all along he tried to fight the police , head butted one of them. I was heartbroken as much as the relationship was bad I stupidly loved him and was constantly trying to prove my self to him. Bail conditions was placed and he's not allowed anywhere near me or the kids , I had temporary custody of his son while they did checks on his mom and I was struggling so bad the kids was 12,10,9 and baby . His son has behaviour issues and threw something at my head which landed me in hospital and he moved in with his mom a week later . It's been three months since I've seen or spoke to him . I'm alone with two kids who test me constantly a baby who is very clingy social service all over me and the case is due to go to cps soon .
How do I carry on if it wasn't for kids I don't know how I'd still be here but I'm struggling so much. I don't feel I'm enough for them. I don't know who I am I'm so alone I don't mean I want a relationship , he ruined all my friendships and family I've only got my mom and dad I'm sick of struggling I'm sick of feeling so low I'm sick of stressing about the outcome of cps I don't even want to get out of bed never mind leave the house . It I have to keep going for the kids and I can't tell social services that I feel this way because im all my kids have but I know this sounds selfish but I don't know if I can do this anymore I feel like im drowning and I just want to be an amazing mom for my kids and not be this person but I don't know what to do.
If you've read this far im so sorry for rambling on but Thankyou for reading xx