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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

14 replies

Aislebeback · 19/11/2021 22:14

I posted this on a different board the other day but received no replies and it's still going round in my head. And felt this may be a more appropriate board and have updated the post as well.

Mentally drained and wondering if I am actually being the unreasonable one here?

Left my ExP (DA) earlier in the year, spents many months homeless until I finally got my own place and now fully have my DC (teenager) EOW who is EHE. Nothing has been to court so far and have been desperately trying to keep it that way for my DC's sake.

However, I made it clear from the beginning that once I got my place I would no longer be doing all pick ups/drop offs. Neither of us drive and I'm in the next town (About a 20ish min drive away and 15ish mins by train). I have health problems (including MH - important to note as Ex's parent threatened me with being sectioned before I left) which are starting to get worse again because of the stress. Ex has my address because my DC refused to come for the week unless I gave it to ex. I made it clear it was given under duress, but the point remains that I didn't feel strong enough to stand up to Ex and ex now has my address which I really didn't want.

Every single time I have had my DC since moving my ex has asked me to do drop off. I gave in the first time which was a clusterfuck in the end due to crossed wires, but haven't since. Now Ex asking me to do all drop offs over winter and he'll pay citing that Ex doesn't want our DC to get a bug and it meaning either of us not seeing our DC while he recovers (my DC won't travel when ill.)

My view is that DC is a teenager and will get bugs regardless and we'll deal with it as and when it happens. I have given ex a firm no to the request but I'm still feeling like I'm being unreasonable and like a bad mum if my DC was to get ill because my decision. I contacted a solicitor today to look into getting a CAO which in all honesty I really dont want to do as I don't want to go to court or for DC to have to go to court and I know there is a good chance my ex will have for a MH evaluation, despite finally being on medication for their own MH issues.

I'm stressed out and feeling like an arsehole. He picked up today. I've asked for all contact to be via email. He's refused.

How the hell do I prevent ex from doing this again? I get a quiet few days and then about halfway through the week ex starts texting/calling asking for me to do drop off again.

Had a good cry today because I really, really miss my DC when with ex but it's better than being exposed to ex's abuse of me.

It was easier to stand up to ex when I was still living with my friend, but I'm finding it much harder to keep my boundaries in check since I'm in my own place. I've started the freedom programme online which I'm hoping will help, and have sorted out a private therapist for myself which I'm hoping will help me process everything that's happened.

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 19/11/2021 23:40

Sorry I’m not sure what EHE is? Is there a reason why they can’t travel on their own?

TyphooMary · 19/11/2021 23:43

@TurnUpTurnip

Sorry I’m not sure what EHE is? Is there a reason why they can’t travel on their own?

Elective home education (home ed)

TurnUpTurnip · 19/11/2021 23:44

Oh ok I did google but It came up with other stuff, If they are a teen I can’t see why they can’t travel alone.

Original poster

Aislebeback · 20/11/2021 00:01

Teen doesn't feel confident travelling alone yet and gets anxious travelling post-pandemic even with a parent present. Hopefully will be making the journey alone by next birthday.

Hoping this will improve once DC starts going to some after school activities and gets to know more people (I haven't lived here long) and all the restrictions are lifted.

In the meantime I have to deal with ex being uncooperative.

OP posts:

Lonecatwithkitten · 20/11/2021 07:01

Block him on your phone or get a second super cheap phone that his messages come to and only look at them when you are ready.
If the only communication method you engage with is email he won't get any choice.
I was a little unclear is he doing some of the travelling? If so would it be worth doing an I will always do Friday and you can always do Sunday.
Never leave the door open for further communication and don't engage in communication about random stuff that opens the door to this type of man.

Original poster

Aislebeback · 20/11/2021 07:13

@Lonecatwithkitten

Block him on your phone or get a second super cheap phone that his messages come to and only look at them when you are ready. If the only communication method you engage with is email he won't get any choice. I was a little unclear is he doing some of the travelling? If so would it be worth doing an I will always do Friday and you can always do Sunday. Never leave the door open for further communication and don't engage in communication about random stuff that opens the door to this type of man.

Yes. It's always the same day for pick up. The parent who is due to have DC picks DC up. Ex wanted it to be that the parent who has the child does drop off. Which I refused as it wasn't what DC wanted. Already have a second super cheap phone, so that's covered, it's one of the first things I did. Ex knows about it as DC let slip but still doesn't have the number.

I'm not sleeping well with all this which doesn't help, finally managed to get a little bit though.

OP posts:

Fullyhuman · 20/11/2021 07:57

It’s early days, it’s bound to be really hard. Well done for leaving. Get your child some therapy too, it’s a lot to deal with, especially with your homelessness meaning she couldn’t see you predictably for a while.

Original poster

Aislebeback · 20/11/2021 13:10

Thanks for the feedback/responses I really appreciate them.

@Fullyhuman the homelessness wasn't much of an issue until 2/3 months before I moved as I was living with a friend who has known me/DC since DC was tiny and DC really liked having sleepovers with the kids, DC definitely prefers me having my own place now though.

I'm looking into therapy anyway though as DC has behavioural issues (mainly towards me) which I'm fairly sure are linked and are why my friend eventually said DC couldn't stay over as it was affecting my friend's children and scaring them (all younger than DC.) And also had contact time when DC refused to see me at all. So since Summer-ish things were particularly tough.

Behaviour is much better one-to-one now but still tricky (teenager after all anyway without the added BS)

I just want to get this all sorted now as I'm fed up of so much of my time ending up being focused on my ex, when I want to spend time with DC! Plus after DC has gone back I'm then left drained with a very low 'spoon' count when I need to be getting my new home sorted and end up either sleeping lots or not at all.

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 29/11/2021 22:59

Leaving aside all the other issues, if you only see your dc eow then they are with your ex the rest of the time and they presumably do all the ferrying about and home Ed? If thats the case, I'd argue that it's not unreasonable to ask you to do the travelling as thats fairly minimal in comparison. If you're so wiped out after 2 days contact, how do you think the other parent feels?
As I said, this is purely talking about the travelling issue. The DA and MH issues add a layer of complexity that I have no experience of, but the nrp who only has eow contact should, in my view, do the pick up and drop off as a minimal contribution.

Original poster

Aislebeback · 30/11/2021 18:32

EOW = Every other week, not weekend. Sorry for the confusion as I know that normally it means every other weekend. Contact is completely 50/50. From the moment I left until I moved into my own place I did all the travelling bar once. I do the lion's share of home ed, plus ensuring my DC gets to socialise with other kids the same-ish age. Ex gets DC to do some home ed and then lets DC game etc for the rest of the day. My ex is only expected to pick up DC once every other week and even this ex has an issue with.

OP posts:

GettingItOutThere · 30/11/2021 19:40

if your ex isnt educating the teen, why dosent he/she live with you through the week and see ex every other weekend?

*every other so you get "nice" time too with said teen.

As it stands, one parent should do drop off/one pick up make it fairer

Original poster

Aislebeback · 30/11/2021 19:55

He does home ed, just a lot less than I'd like given teen wants to go to college. However I'm still carrying the mental load, making sure it gets done. I said 50/50 from the start because ex will not accept anything less and seems to have a thing about me 'taking DC away' I'm currently waiting on a solicitor appointment about moving forward as there's quite a bit I'm not happy with. E.g. Ex seems to think I should always say where I'm taking DC when with me 'in case of emergencies' needless to say it's a load of bollocks.

Current situation is almost exactly that but ex keeps kicking off about it and making exuses not to do it. I do pick ups when it's my turn to have DC. Ex is supposed to do likewise.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aislebeback · 30/11/2021 19:56

@Aislebeback

Current situation is almost exactly that but ex keeps kicking off about it and making exuses not to do it. I do pick ups when it's my turn to have DC. Ex is supposed to do likewise.

To add; Ex keeps approaching this from a health issues POV to make me feel like I'm being unreasonable. As it stands I have a very supportive network around that I can almost always rely so that I don't need ex's 'help'.

OP posts:

justanothermanicmonday21 · 02/12/2021 18:49

We do it so the parent that has the kids drops so when ex is due to have the kids I will drop them to him then when it's time to come back he will drop them back to me. This works quite well as it means the kids don't have to wait round for the other parent to show up. Obviously sometimes this changes but this is pretty standard.

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