Christmas holidays with no court ordered contact

[Anomonda]

Hi, I wondered if anyone who’s in a similar position could let me know what your child arrangements are over the Christmas holiday? My 2xDC aged 3 and 4 (one at school) live c3.5hrs drive from their dad and see him every other weekend (we split 18 months ago). Last year they were with me Xmas day and we drove to meet him halfway first thing Boxing Day morning and they stayed for 4 days and then went back after new year for a few days. This year he wants them to stay with him 24th-30th Dec. I’m really unhappy about it, my 3yo can’t cope with being away for that long as it is, but the whole Christmas period? Surely that’s not reasonable? (Go easy on me, I need opinions which is why I’m asking, but I’m also still pretty fragile about it all still)

That sounds harsh. What are his reasons for wanting the whole of the Christmas period? Have you told him how you feel? Last year's arrangement sounds the most fair and reasonable, maybe alternate Christmas Day each year?

Not in a million years. Thats way too long and totally unreasonable. If he wants the 24th he can drop them home (or you collect) by 11am boxing day and tbh I wouldnt even offer that. My eldest doesn't ever spend Christmas with her dad (luckily she's old enough to decide for herself) - why on earth should you do 90% of the hard stuff and he gets 50% of Christmases! Or more actually if you swapped on boxing day last year. Hes taking the absolute piss

My daughters dad lives a couple of hours away and we alternate Christmas. It varies each year this year he will pick her up Boxing Day until the 29th. I would suggest he does Boxing Day until the 30th.

Thank you for your comments. He doesn’t care about how I feel, he’d rather I felt as bad as possible because I moved away to be near family (on doctors advice as I was on the verge of a breakdown after being completely blindsided by him walking out, as were the kids). I want them to see their dad, they love him and I want them to have as good a relationship with him as possible regardless of how he is to me. I’m also a pushover and have found it hard to stand my ground previously but I’ve started to. I just don’t want to do anything unreasonable. I think I’ll suggest 20th-boxing day morning and then back to him for new year. It’s an extra return journey for the kids which is the only downside but they’re actually very good with the travelling.

I should have said OR Boxing Day to 30th or something, whichever he prefers

My ex lives 3hrs away, we have no contact order and have always split the Xmas holidays. This year he is having them from the 23rd -29th, it was my suggestion. We have done this since we separated 6 years ago, the dc are 13, 7 and 6. Admittedly it was much harder sorting Xmas earlier in our split but I'm used to it now.

Surely he should have them for one Xmas? You want to have them for every Xmas?

I didn’t even realise I hadn’t said, whoops, no I am completely open to the children alternating Christmas Day with him, I just think 24th-30th covers the entire festive period

My OH who has kids has court ordered alternative Christmas & NY.

Christmas he would pick up Christmas Eve (24th) and drop back on the 30th.

This year he has NYE so picks up on the 30th.

We have a court order.

The split happens on Christmas day alternating pre/post each year. So on one year DC spends Christmas eve + Christmas morning at home then goes to her dads for a few days. The next year she spends a few days running up to Christmas with him and comes home on Christmas day. Rinse / repeat. He wanted to alternate Christmas / New Year which I refused to agree to as it would mean DC would not see half her family every other year.

I'd never agree to 24-30th as that's the entire Christmas period!

That’s the entire Christmas period so no it’s not reasonable. Just reverse what you did last year (more or less.) don’t entertain this - just say no.

Alternate but allow yourself time to have a Christmas no 2 at your home with them. Those dates do cover the whole Christmas period and it's fair enough that you aren't ok with it.

I'm not sure that you can argue it's 'length of time' they are away as he is their dad. But you should so exactly what you did last year, but the other way around. That's fair.

We used to do Xmas day with me & Boxing day overnight with dad one year & then the next year ds went to dad's 11.00am Xmas day overnight & pick up 11.00am Boxing day. Now he is 17 we just do whatever he wants, he usually cooks his dad a Xmas dinner either Xmas day or Boxing day, he doesn't stay over at his dad's at all now.

We have gotten that far in our CAO yet but I’m proposing for me to have the 24th and 25th and for him to have 26th to 27th, and for this to be the status quo every year.

I’m not actually sure about the new year period yet, I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

It completely depends on how you structure visits.

Some people are responding saying definitely not but this relates to their contact schedule.

If you usually drop kids off every other weekend, this does seem a bit much. If he has DC for longer periods of times, it's somewhat normal for this arrangement to take place, as some of the comments have confirmed they either do or have had court ordered.

However, if you do this arrangement, it would be reversed next year where he would not see them for the 'christmas period', so it all evens out in the end.

It might not be right for your situation but it's not 'unreasonable' as long as he intends it to alternate each year.

Just wanted to say thank you for your comments and it appears we have come to an agreement for this year. I had initially gone straight back to him and said the children would have to go to him earlier and come back on Boxing Day morning but I knew this wasn’t ideal for the kids, they wouldn’t have much time to play with presents, and I regretted being so firm without thinking it through properly. The emotions of not spending Christmas Day with my little children were overwhelming. He said in that case they’d have to go to him from 21st to 26th and then back to him for 30th-2nd and wouldn’t settle for anything less (pretty much the whole holiday). Having thought really hard about it, I relented and said I’d be ok with 23rd-28th over Christmas and I didn’t mention new year because they were with me last year and I wanted to see what he said…his response…he wants them 22nd-26th and that’s it. I shouldn’t have worried, I knew he was doing it to upset me and when it came to the crunch the kids have to fit around what other plans he wants to make.

If they usually see him every other weekend, which weekend should be his - Christmas or New Year?

If it's not court ordered, then stick to those plans. He doesn't just get to decide the dates, you as primary care giver should, and you are being more than fair at offering him options!