Getting a wriggly 19-month-old dressed on my own

[Bookishnerd]

Hey all
Please help before I go mad
I’m not a lone parent, but my husband works away on shifts, and I have no nearby family so I do a lot of parenting alone. It’s particularly difficult in the mornings when we are trying to get out on time.

My 19-month-old HATES getting dressed and undressed. A real aversion to it. It’s only started recently.

He wriggles and strains to get away from me and refuses to lie down to get his nappy done. When his vest goes over his head, he pulls it off again. I know all kids have a wriggly phase, but it’s borderline impossible to get him ready. Apparently he’s fine at changing time at nursery.

I’m a big fan of gentle, empathetic parenting so I’ve tried almost everything to try to get it done. And I’ve also tried less gentle methods. This morning, I basically had to wrestle him into his clothes, which was really distressing for me.

In the interests of not drip-feeding, or knocking back advice with ‘tried that and it didn’t work’, here’s what I’ve tried:

• giving plenty of notice that it’s going to happen (I’m going to change your nappy in a minute)
• acknowledging his unhappiness (I know you are cross about this)
• calming music and soft lighting
• bribery with food
• bribery with screen
• distraction (singing, toys)
• pull-up nappies (just wriggles away)
• getting up earlier to give us more time
• doing it gradually
• not doing it on the changing mat and accepting that we might have accidents in the meantime

The only thing that actually gets us out is manhandling him and wrestling with him. I’m terrified of hurting him, and he is obviously distressed by it. He tantrums and headbutts. I was badly abused as a child and it’s very triggering for me - the last thing I want to do is hurt him and I hate being in any way physical, though it’s obviously just restraint rather than anything that hurts him.

I’ve tried leaning into it and just accepting that I’m going to be late, but I’ve now been late for nursery and my work four mornings on the trot.

I work from home (mostly) so the consequences are not obvious, but it means I have to make up the time. This morning I was actually late for a meeting.

I am exhausted because of other sleep issues, and I’m lonely and alone a lot.

I worry that this issue is upsetting both for me and for my DS.

It doesn’t sound so distressing written down and it reads like I’m overreacting but it’s really upsetting me.

Any tips?

I had this too. I potty trained early- 20months for one.

I gave them my phone only when doing nappies. I also saved special toys to hold, and gave them the wipes to chuck out everywhere.

The wrestling and holding down is just necessary sometimes- you’re not hurting them, don’t worry.

I completely empathise and understand- it’s so stressful! I now put my youngest to bed in clean clothes after his bath, because he’s so averse to getting dressed in the morning!!

Can you change nappies over your knee?

It takes a bit of practice but I do it at every change and find it stops them escaping!

Ok so I had two terrible wrigglers. It got to the point where it was dangerous so In the end I sat with my legs in a V on the floor and put them on their back facing me and put my ankles over their shoulders.
In this position they cannot move.
I was super quick and efficient with the changing and also talked directly to them like “what are we going to do today? That’s right, we’ll see the ducks and give them some bread and quack quack they LOVE the bread” type of nonsense.
Because they literally couldn’t move they just relaxed and chatted back. Zero hassle.
For changing of clothes it’s hold firmly in the lap and chat through in an extremely calm and cheery voice. Pop! On goes the jumper. Hooray! Etc. Neighbours must think I’m mental but whatever it takes!!

I can understand it's triggering to be holding him whilst he screams but what you're doing is so far from abuse and you won't hurt him holding him kindly but firmly. If anything, a firm hold will keep him safer as he can't flail around so much.

Sometimes even with all the gentle parenting in the world toddlers are just unreasonable and you just have to insist on some things, and being dressed is one of them.

One thing that helps with my DD's tantrums is giving her two options, both of which reach the intended outcome such as 'do you want to walk to the shop or shall I carry you?'. She's still reaching the same end goal but gets to take some control. In your case 'do you want red trousers or blue?' 'Stripy or spotty socks?' Give him a bit of control over the situation but being dressed is still non negotiable:)

Thank you all. I’m going to try some of these in the morning.

And thanks for not telling me to grow a pair!

Also @Greenmarmalade, I like the idea of potty training early but I’m not sure that my DS has enough communication skills to let me know he needs to go.

Even now at 19 months, it’s still a surprise to him!

How did you do it? (Well done, btw!)

For nappy changes, I did similar to a PP: sit sideways on, gently lay a leg over them to pin their arms and chest down in the crook of the knee (no pressure needed, just keep leg firm and close so they can't wriggle out), leaving both hands free to change the nappy/deal with legs.
WRT getting them dressed, I'd try each day, but if no luck then they would be packed off to nursery in their PJs with a bag of clothes and an apology to the nursery staff (who I bet DC will happily get dressed for when asked!). I have threatened my primary-aged DCs with this too, although they are now old enough to understand that would be an embarrassment worth avoiding so do the sensible thing and get dressed at home!

I had a horrible childhood as well and it really warps what is ok and not. My dd is 11 now. My advice would be gentle parenting is lovely - but it cannot be 100% of the time.
Toddlers don’t have the attention span or capability to understand ‘I’m going to change your nappy in a minute’ etc
When older you can use ‘first, then’ but again short sentences. ‘First get dressed then have a biscuit’
It has taken me years to unspoil my child and get some respect after years of gentle parenting. Sometimes you do have to just get done what needs doing which includes wrestling them to get them dressed, upsetting them by brushing their teeth, or whatever. Have faith in yourself.

Yeah I sat on mine (exactly how @LapinR0se describes)

Toddlers need boundaries, they need to know that getting dressed etc is non negotiable and if they wriggle they will calmly and cheerfully get sat on.

They soon learn

I was also by myself with one who hated getting dressed and a 3 year old. My top tip is lie them on the floor really quick like a game while you're sat in a v, put your leg over the top of him so he can't flip amd3 change as quickly as possible. I also used to talk DS through like i'm just taking off your socks etc. I can't even count the times I dropped him at childminder half dressed with a bag of clothes.

He's now nearly 4 and still hates getting ready but is now much easier to bribe with sweets and screen time.

With DD i used to do 10 bounces (holding my hands) on the bed then pajamas off, 10 bounces knickers and vest on, 10 bounces t shirt and leggings on, 10 bounces jumper and socks and 10 bonus bounces if she had been good throughout.

It was a whole lot quicker than negotiating.

Can you get some support for yourself OP? It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot. Video counselling is a great side effect of the pandemic and more accessible for eg single parents.

It may be that if you had someone to talk issues through with, and felt a bit less alone and more confident, the struggles (physical and mental) for both of you would lessen.

I agree about choices. And I just sing really loudly. Normally songs about how much I love DS. Mainly to get myself through it but if it entertains DS for a moment then I consider it a victory.

You could try downloading at visual countdown clock (there's a few to choose from on app stores)- I'm sure I used it at a similar age for my DD. I'd put the timer on for an achievable time for the task, set it going and we had to beat the countdown timer to get dressed or whatever else it was I wanted to do (like tidy toys up). I also gave her a choice between 2 things - it made things a lot easier - it wasn't alway infallible, but it helped a lot xx

Check the clothes are not irritating: there may be sensory issues.

Give him a choice. Both choices achieve what you want. Eg do you want me to lift you into the car seat or do you want to climb in.

Tickle. Very useful for when they go stiff and won't bend in the middle to go in a pushchair or car seat.