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How do you deal with "one up manship"?

5 replies

PurpleNebula84 · 08/11/2021 22:48

So my ex finally left my house about 4 weeks ago after splitting at the end of may.

We are on 50/50 contact, even though this isn't how childcare was when we were together. Our DD is 4.5 and started school in September.

When things ended he made some comment to me about he could now go out and buy our DD Ted Baker stuff as it was better than supermarket stuff I was buying her (if he was that bothered why hadn't he put his hand in his pocket and bought this before if it was an issue, I'll never know). It stung quite a bit at the time as it made me feel inadequate and that he was looking down on me.
He's had her this weekend and it transpires that he has taken her shopping to Cheshire Oaks I believe and bought her a designer jacket. Again, it just feels that he is pissing all over my chips and he is the better parent because of it.

I know I shouldn't let it bug me, but it is doing. I'm not in the best of places as it is because of everything that has been going on as well as work - I'm currently off work due to anxiety, depression and stress.

He even said in a phone conversation a couple of weeks ago that he had purposefully held off buying things for his as he didn't want it to become a competition - effectively saying because of the stuff he's bought , our daughter would prefer it at his. All contact is now via WhatsApp.

Slightly different thing, but does related to Cheshire Oaks a little - When I mentioned her going back to dancing, he gave me a reply of
"I think I'll give it a try first, will need to go on the bus as I need to keep the van use to a minimum. Pick up and drop off are OK but I don't want to push it too far." It's a works van and it's making me wonder what use he is insured for - how can pick up and drop off at dancing be an issue, but going to Cheshire Oaks in it is ok? I'm worried he's driving our DD around for personal use, but isn't actually insured 😳😳 He doesn't have a car. The van is supplied to him through his work. I want to ask him to show me how and what its insured for - if he refuses, would I be out of line to approach his work to confirm it?

Thanks

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/11/2021 00:04

It sounds more like work don't like him using the van for personal use...which is reasonable. Re. the clothes...yes, he's trying to get a rise out of you but all you need to do is change your mode of thinking and think "Great, he's finally providing her with clothes...she'll have some nice things"

Why care? Ted Baker children's clothing is a bit tacky anyway...why would he want her in that? Up to him though!

ToastieSnowy · 09/11/2021 00:10

Yes he’s trying to get a rise out of you. Change your perspective and next time he does it chuckle inwardly that he’s foolishly spending a lot of money on clothes that will last a few months when he doesn’t have to.

It’s like he ticked a bullshit bingo mark.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/11/2021 12:09

At least he buys her clothes, sounds annoying but my ex has never contributed to clothes so I would try to let it go

Iseeyoulookingatme · 10/11/2021 12:34

My ex does this to, he buys designer things that ds doesn't actually need, it wouldn't be a problem if he actually got him things he did need instead of taking all the clothes I have for ds and not returning them. I had a lovely shirt I was saving for Christmas day for ds and he took it without asking. I didn't notice till he bought it back for cleaning. It's a way to get at you op, just ignore him and realise that it's for show.

PurpleNebula84 · 10/11/2021 12:49

Thank you - I'm just struggling so much at the moment, buying and selling a house, him refusing to leave up until a few weeks ago and him essentially rubbing it in my face he is doing better at being a parent (despite taking a back seat for the last 4.5 years) and that he is now better off and looking down his nose at me - I know I need to try and let it go and I know it's likely the novelty will wear off for both him and my gorgeous DD - it's just waiting that is killing me and then overthinking when I'm on my own 🙈🙈 xx

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