Toxic ex husband

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Hi all,
I'm looking for some help/advice/support of from any parents who have a toxic ex. My ex husband constantly fills our three children with horrible things about me, constantly tries to turn them against me and blames anything that goes wrong in his life on me because I wanted a divorce.

He very rarely has the children to stay as he says he doesn't have a home, he lies that he lives between friends even though he has a home with his new partner. This is all for the benefit of the courts as he's trying to push the sale of the family home.

I dread them seeing him as I know they'll come home in a 'weird' mood.

I never slag him off to the children.

If I punish one of the children he'll deliberately go against the punishment, picking them up and allowing them out with friends.

It's utterly exhausting but most importantly a horrible situation to put the children in.

The focus should be on bringing up the children and their best interest but he just does whatever he can to use the children as weapons with zero thought for their best interest, just maximum stress to me.

Omg I could of written your post ! Im In exactly the same situation and feel exhausted, I honestly don't know what to do either, I never slag off their father either, but I do tell my 2 sons that the behaviour is not right and they should never speak to women like that, and always tell my daughter to never be with somebody that treats her badly ( is abusive basically) my 3 children have been put through hell with a father who clearly also only thinks of himself and uses kids to make my like hell, it's so tragic. I don't know what other advice to give, but just stay strong and positive.
there really should be safe places where people in our situation could meet , for advice coffee and a chat. xx

I've had almost 11 years of this. All you can do is set some boundaries and stick to them - that includes boundaries for yourself... continue making sure you don't bad mouth him, but ensure you're there for them if they want to talk to you. There are ways of communicating about how difficult things can be without talking negatively about him specifically.

Try to use email and text rather than discussing arrangements on the phone or at pick ups/drop offs. Keep messages short, to the point and don't give him the satisfaction of a reactionary response if he's trying to trigger you.

Your kids will eventually see through him, especially if you stick to a certain standard of behaviour. Men like this always end up sabotaging relationships. The fact that he cares more about point scoring than parenting his children and putting their needs first evidence that. So you put them first and be a role model for them. Make sure that any people you bring into their lives do the same.

My children have now decided they don't want any contact with their dad after a decade of this kind of nonsense. He refused to co-parent and didn't support them financially other than take them (unreliably) every 2-3 weekends. Rather than step up and be a father, he tried to paint himself as the fun parent with no boundaries, introduced them to countless women (none of whom stuck around for long), would promise all sorts of things and never deliver, tried to create a narrative that I was the problem blahblahblah. The thing is though, actions speak louder than words and eventually they noticed how dysfunctional he was, and that he wasn't capable of being a proper dad. They never felt safe and looked after in his company and when they pulled away, he started doing to them what he'd done to me - gaslighting, moodswings, trying to make them feel guilty. Men like this are always the victim in their mind, and this means they can never have a truly functional relationship.

My partner, who has become a dependable step-father to them, has always said 'plan for the worst and hope for the best', when it comes to dealing with him, and that's saved us - we've never relied on him for anything and that means we've never felt let down.

Good luck - the best revenge is living well, so put all your effort into that x

Thank you both of your for your responses.

I've decided it should be made into a law, no parent should be allowed to use their children as weapons to abuse the other parent. That is exactly what I feel my ex does, he bullies me via the children. It's so damaging for both parent and child and should be against the law.

I try to distance myself and focus on being the best parent I can, but if just feels like I'm fighting this invisible force!