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Lone parents

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Original poster

Long distance weekend contact - who should travel?

25 replies

forinborin · 06/11/2021 13:50

So I am being taken to court (again) as apparently I obstruct contact between the children and their dad.

Ex is currently living quite far away from the former marital home (his choice), around 3.5-4 hours driving or 5-6 on public transport (depending on trains). The children are young primary age. There has been limited contact so far (voluntarily from his side, he's been busy).

His proposal is that I make the first leg of the journey to drop off the children every other weekend. It will have to start at 6.30pm on Friday (the earliest I can get from work to the childminder), and then a long journey with minimum four changes to drop them off around midnight at the father's place. There are no trains back after midnight, so I will have to find somewhere to stay in that town until the next day - and then spend half of Saturday getting back home.

I said no to the above and it has been declared as preventing meaningful contact. Surely if you're the one choosing to live far away, you should do the trips yourself? He is quite well off financially and has a rented out property near where the children live, it is not that he had to go for a more affordable option.

Do you think the court will be inclined to agree with him? Really don't want to spend £10000s on counsel again, it is not the first and not the second litigation, just can't face it.

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 06/11/2021 14:06

It sounds like you are the one that moved away?

Thebookswereherfriends · 06/11/2021 14:11

@TurnUpTurnip how do get that? It says that ex is living away from marital home ( his choice)!
Op, I’m pretty sure a court is not going to find in his favour if he moved away and the fact that it is not going to be to tbe children’s benefit to be going to bed at midnight!

Original poster

forinborin · 06/11/2021 14:12

@TurnUpTurnip

It sounds like you are the one that moved away?

No, maybe I did not express myself clearly. I've been living with the children in the same place since they were born (bought ex out of the marital home), he has been abroad for ~5 years and now returned back to a place that is in the UK but quite far from where the children live.

OP posts:

Guineaguinea · 06/11/2021 14:12

Well generally the one who moved is expected to travel. If your inclined to be helpful you could offer to meet half way for one of the journeys. Also, with that amount of travel time is every other weekend really in the best interests of young children? My ex is two hours away, and my two (similar age) found it hard travelling that often. Could they go to his every four weeks and the foutnights between he comes and stays near you, either with the kids in a hotel or air B&B or hotel, or just taking them out for the day.

TurnUpTurnip · 06/11/2021 14:13

Oh sorry I read it as he is living IN the marital home, either way I think shared travel is fair and expected

Original poster

forinborin · 06/11/2021 14:20

@Guineaguinea

I am absolutely sure that if he had to do the journeys himself, the contact will fizzle out to nothing just after a few weekends.

The current child arrangement order (made by consent around 6 years ago) does give him staying contact every two weeks (which was supposed to be happening at the flat he bought around the corner with his equity share in the former marital home), where I drop them off on Friday and he drops them back on Sunday.

Now he applies to enforce it despite living hundreds of miles away, and having had barely any of that contact for a couple of years (once every couple of months). I am just nervous about what the court position is likely to be here.

OP posts:

SultansOfMing · 06/11/2021 14:22

I would imagine that the court would agree that this is an untenable arrangement. It may not have been made in the first place had he been living so far away at the time!

Original poster

forinborin · 06/11/2021 14:28

@TurnUpTurnip

Oh sorry I read it as he is living IN the marital home, either way I think shared travel is fair and expected

But... I had absolutely no say as to where he moves, how can it be fair that I am expected now to spend what is more than a full working day every two weeks on transport to facilitate his life choices? And the cost together with the overnight stay is likely to be £100-150 / round trip, so extra £200-300 / month, and there's no maintenance too.

OP posts:

Original poster

forinborin · 06/11/2021 14:31

@SultansOfMing

I would imagine that the court would agree that this is an untenable arrangement. It may not have been made in the first place had he been living so far away at the time!

I very much hope so... it seemed to be scheduled for hearing very quickly despite the courts being very busy, so a bit anxious.

OP posts:

urbanbuddha · 06/11/2021 14:49

It's usually the parent who moves away who has to facilitate contact.
Have you tried mediation? National Family Mediation on 0300 4000 636.
This page also has some useful links.

Garriet · 06/11/2021 15:20

It’s not feasible for you to do this. He’s chosen where to live. I can’t imagine he’d get very far with an application for enforcement, as he himself has flouted the order by moving around/not consistently seeing the children. Let a judge deal with it if he’s being unreasonable but I’d be astonished if you were expected to undertake onerous journeys when it was his choice to live where he does.

RandomMess · 06/11/2021 15:33

So how frequently, how and where has he been seeing the DC for the last 5 years. He has significantly breached the agreement for 5 years.

Sounds like he needs to start to build up a relationship with them.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/11/2021 09:41

@TurnUpTurnip

Don't you just hate when you have a shoulda gone to Specsavers moment!

We've all been there, done that.

Anyway. Just keep reiterating that it is not in the children's best interests to travel so far every other weekend and get to bed really late. Offer more contact in holidays. Or that he I welcome to visit locally or collect from school so that they arrive earlier in the evening.

You are then making them available for contact.

BananaPB · 08/11/2021 11:16

When I split from my ex my kids were doing 3.5 hours each way sort of travel to their dad (he moved away) It quickly turned into refusal from 2 kids and months of struggle for the third until I had to tell him that it was cruel to do it for just the weekend (she was carsick and so tired every time) so he needed to consider an alternative. Luckily he moved house and is only an hour away now but had he not listened and taken it to court, I would have offered local contact or contact during school holidays only. He did not expect me to do any of the travelling so that wasn't an issue but for a while he'd pick the kids up on Saturday morning and bring them back Sunday early evening or super early on Monday

BananaPB · 08/11/2021 11:22

His plan is unworkable imo. It is unreasonable to ask young kids to get public transport that late on a school night and you know that if you're in a hotel on Friday night then he'd say why not stay Saturday night too so you can take the kids back with you 👿 If he wants to see the kids on Friday then it's up to him to leave work early so he can collect the kids from school.
What he is proposing won't be meaningful because the travel is excessive. You're not blocking anything - you haven't said he can't collect them from school on Friday.

BingBongToTheMoon · 08/11/2021 11:44

and there's no maintenance too.

Why?

WeAreTheHeroes · 08/11/2021 11:49

Keeping small children up until midnight to get them to him is just untenable, never mind anything else. I'd write a factual bullet pointed list of everything, including all the travel options and let the judge decide.

magicstars · 08/11/2021 11:54

It sounds much more feasible for the children to visit for long weekends or school holidays only. I will be exhausting for them to do all of this travel at weekends! Very unfair of him to try & enforce this on you all, especially if he has a second property that's close to his kids' home.

Original poster

forinborin · 09/11/2021 19:32

@BingBongToTheMoon

and there's no maintenance too.

Why?

He's not getting any personal income at the moment, independently wealthy. So there's no legal obligation to pay.

OP posts:

BingBongToTheMoon · 09/11/2021 19:42

That’s ridiculous.
I’m really angry about that actually (on your behalf, obviously).

Pumpkinsonparade · 09/11/2021 19:47

Send him links to Air B&B's in your area.. Set out a reasonable suggestion of a contact arrangement that involves him travelling and staying over somewhere nearby with dc. Should he refuse you can show a court you have been willing to make the dc available and suggested a more than fair arrangement.
If he isn't keen to take the offer up he can explain why to a judge..

Looneytune253 · 09/11/2021 19:52

What is the reason he can't get to school to pick the children up (if he doesn't work) then they can start on their journey earlier than 6pm AND you don't have to stay in a strange town, spending lots of non existing money, and getting there late. That is the logical solution.

FatherB · 10/11/2021 15:31

To be clear i've been in this situation, or rather a similar one. I'm the non-resident and resident parent moved. The court decided we should share travel and although people here think the one that moved is the one that travels, a court doesn't share that attitude from my experience and talking to my solicitor.

That said it depends on the judge, and some will think that way so you never know.

HugeAckmansWife · 14/11/2021 19:54

I don't think it's always as simple as 'who moved'.. There can sometimes be v good reasons such as affordable housing or family support as to why an RP moves if they are suddenly left as a single parent.
OP that really isn't a tenable journey for anyone. I would strongly argue for airB&B or less frequent, longer contact.

Anomonda · 16/11/2021 13:07

I have a similar distance to my DC’s dad and they see him every other weekend from Saturday morning to Sunday evening. They are 3 and 5 and I meet halfway on both journeys. I absolutely refuse for the children to travel after school/nursery on a Friday night because of the traffic and increased journey time and because they’re already knackered from the week.

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