Is this enough? Contact issues

[Pinkpepper79]

Hi I would appreciate some opinions please. Just split with long term partner (17years) we have 2 older children. Their dad, my ex seems to not be that bothered with contact. He said that he phones them once a week and that they know where he is if they need him. He promised that he would take DS out last weekend I had to ring ex to find out where he was he had forgotten to go get him. I am so angry that he is putting himself 1st in all of this. Am I over reacting because I am hurting?

No your not overreacting, your poor DS. I’m sorry you are going through this. No real advise but sending you lots of support .

It’s really hurtful when the man you had children with doesn’t appear to care very much about those children after a relationship ends. For you and them.

How old are the children?

16 and 13 😢 right at that crucial stage in life. I didn't tell DS that his dad forgot just that he was on his way and had been held up. He is not stupid though and probably figured it out for himself. Ex has never been hands on so I don't really know what I expected 😭...... Maybe a scrap of respect for his children??

You need to step back and allow him to show his true colours. It isn't for you to facilitate his contact. I fell into this trap. Mine were younger at 5/10. But he was so flakey I got fed up of handling the fall out of the children's emotions. So started saying I don't know more.

My eldest has gone non contact he saw right through his dad right at the start and at the age of 12 said I couldn't force him to go. He was right he was taller and stronger than me. And although I encouraged him he made his wishes clear. That was 3 years ago now

His dad also took the view point that I'm here if they want me! They are children. It is not for them to make contact. He needs to be available and present physically and emotionally. It is on him if he isn't.

I would ask for a regular day for tea maybe. So Thursday for example and if he is a no show then that is on him. He can engage with the children directly. It doesnt need to go through you and you can start to emotionally detach from the disappointment.

You can't control others actions. Just focus on being the best mum you can be.

@Pinkpepper79

16 and 13 😢 right at that crucial stage in life. I didn't tell DS that his dad forgot just that he was on his way and had been held up. He is not stupid though and probably figured it out for himself. Ex has never been hands on so I don't really know what I expected 😭...... Maybe a scrap of respect for his children??

I think that they’re old enough that you’re just going to have to be honest with them, and turn support them through it.

It might be helpful if you could persuade them to have a bit of counselling to talk about it all, but that might not be what they want and I wouldn’t force it. Just maybe offer it if they feel they’d like to talk to someone neutral.

Op, I'm so sorry. So many men are such wankers. I watched in shock as BIL would say things like, "But DD never calls me".... his DD was 12.

I have no advice except that you will have to support your children as they learn to accept that their father is a complete waste of space. I'm sorry.

You cannot make your Ex be the father your children deserve. They are old enough to see what kind of man he is. The only thing you can control is the type of parent you are. Be their rock, who is there for them no matter what. Don’t let them blame themselves for his lack of interest.

It's not enough but it sounds like he never did enough anyway. You need to detach and let him
give his excuses to the kids. Be there if (when) they want to bitch about the situation because if they haven't worked out how crap he is, they will soon

Thank you your comments have really helped. I just feel sad that because he never had family holiday as a child, we didn't as a family, no regular family meals, all the grounding things that give you a moral compass and memories. I feel like I am grieving for what it should have been like