Ex taking me back to court for enforcement...

[Geellcee]

Hi all,

I really need some reassurance and help! I previously posted this and got some great advice - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/4314807-Abusive-ex-dictating-access-after-court-order

Now, after another email from ex's solicitor, more late night emails from my ex, and him totally disrupting and upsetting our sons birthday plans, I have recieved a letter from CAFCASS to say that they are now going to be doing safeguarding checks. The court have confirmed that an application has been made and a hearing date set on December.

Our son is still going to all of the contact with his dad as laid out in the child arrangements order, but is still refusing to sleep over, so his dad brings him home at random times that suit him. Ex continually says it is my fault that he doesn't want to stay, even though during this period of child not wanting to stay, I have done everything I possibly can to encourage him to stay overnight.

I feel sick and anxiety is through the roof. I can't afford legal support. The court advisor obviously can't give legal advice but was very kind, and said that I am following the child arrangements order as it stipulates that child is to 'be made available for' contact with his dad, which he always has been.

This nightmare feels unending. It is six years since we separated in traumatic circumstances. Years of pressure, intimidation and forcefulness when he wants his own way. Expects me to be completely flexible despite court order. Has told our child that he is taking me back to court. Oldest child (not subject to child arrangements order) now terrified that I'm going to go to prison.

When I discussed the intimidation, coercion with CAFCASS two years ago, I did not feel as though they heard what I was saying. Their resulting letter basically said that we had to find a way to communicate better. This is impossible. If I could communicate with ex without being shouted at angrily then obviously this would be better.

I wrote to him during him unsettling our son with birthday plans and said that I now had a new email address purely for our sons best interests, and my number to remain for emergencies etc. I am too anxious to even check it. I am reduced to an emotional/ nervous/ shaking state every time he emails or messages, usually late at night, and I just can't see that this will ever end.All of these emails are all about him, what he wants, what he expects to happen. No consideration for the little boy involved and what he would like/ how he's feeling.

I think what I'm asking for is help with CAFCASS. They will probably visit my son to try and find out why he does not want to stay over. I'm terrified of having to go to court without legal assistance: ex very friendly with his solicitor as his very close family member works for the solicitor.

A cry for help I suppose, without actually knowing what help I need exactly.

Thank you for reading.

Hope things get easier for you OP, first of all don't make yourself feel sick with stress because A your not going to prison you haven't done anything wrong!! And B keep everything to support your side of the story, you can seek 1 hours legal advice from most solicitors free over the phone you just need to write the questions down that your struggling to answer yourself and ask them making notes of any advice they can give you, CAFCASS are middle men and tbh are irrelevant a safeguarding check will potentially be beneficial to you as it's an opportunity for them to understand why your son is adamant and refuses over night stays, if the e mails are continuous late night bouts of abuse with next to no relevance of your child report him to the police for harrassment! Do not give him the satisfaction of ruining you as a person anymore everything you have done has abided by the existing court order!

@Gremlina,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to reply and be so reassuring. Reading your words has really helped me feel much better this morning. It all just gets you to the point of not being able to think clearly!

I will definitely try and keep the mindset that the checks could be just what my little boy needs, and that should be a positive thing, as you say.

Thank you again

How can you not check emails late at night? What do you need to do to redirect them/delay them? (I just couldn't help myself look either) so blocking them until morning might be needed.

This won't go anywhere. Even if it went to court, so what.
You're making your child available at the times set out in the court order. Your ex isn't coping with your child's emotions and choosing to bring him back to you.
This is nothing to do with you.

I don't think many people or posters understand anything about coercive control and the effects on a person.

I really would recommend you check out the Nuturing Coach.
Please google it

she has free info online and also paid courses.

And speak to women's aid.

There is such a widespread ignorance about emotional abuse it is not helpful to listen to people who know nothing about it.

@BlackeyedSusan Hi there - thank you for your message - I have set up. a separate email account for son's father to use which I have said I will check once a week. Hopefully this will help!

@negomi90 - Thank you so much - I woke up this morning feeling despair having received court documentation yesterday afternoon, which included ex's supporting statement. He has said that I have done absolutely nothing to support him in getting son to stay overnight, but I have pages and pages of messages and emails between us which very obviously show that this is not true. I saw your message when I woke up and I have to say it helped to put me in a totally different state of mind - you're absolutely right, and I can't thank you enough for just narrowing down the facts to 5 sentences! I have been thinking a lot today about what you said and it has made such a difference. Thank you.

@beigebrownblue - Thank you. Thank you for your understanding and advice. I have been looking at the Nurturing Coach website today and absorbing all of the help available there - just reading some of the advice there feels like someone gets it. I can't thank you enough for your help and recommendation.

Thank you all.

You're making your child available at the times set out in the court order. Your ex isn't coping with your child's emotions and choosing to bring him back to you.

This stands out to me op. You are exactly sticking to the court order, he is the one who is returning the dc early. What would he do if, for example, you had handed over dc for contact and then gone out for the evening?

Well done for ensuring all correspondence is documented, this will show you are trying to support his contact. I suspect he may go down the alienation route - what does dc say about not wanting to stay over?

@Couldhavebeenme3

Thank you very much for taking time to post. I really appreciate its You're exactly right; I never actually know if my son is coming home or not, or at what time if he is. It feels like a control thing.

Yes, I was concerned about the parental alienation route, but ex has been present in the early days of this when son didn't want to go with him for any contact, not just overnight, and he sat in his car or stood watching me try to calm my son down and me gently encouraging him to go, while he would shout at me to 'just get him in the car'. I feel that all of my communications with him and his solicitor clearly show that I have done everything I can to try and encourage and find out the cause.

My son refuses to talk about it. He will not say why he doesn't want to sleep over. Every time I have broached it, he gets upset and locks down.

His statement is basically how he feels, what he has missed out on, and how I haven't supported HIM through this. No real mention of how it all might effect the little boy in all of this.

OP I've had similar trouble with my ex, the text/email only route helped me a lot.

The kids and I also had counselling which enabled me to take a step back and view things from other directions, the kids had help from one of the trained/specialist TAs at school, was done through play and it helped dd to deal with how torn she felt about going to see her dad.

I think your dc might benefit from some external support, I'm not sure how cafcas would view this, and whether they would see it as constructive or conflict.

Keep going op, one day at a time.

@Couldhavebeenme3

Thank you. I'm sorry that you have been through similar, and I'm really glad that your daughter was supported well through school.

Yes, I agree that some help is needed. CAFCASS will soon be doing their checks so I'm assuming that they may recommend something along these lines? It all remains to be seen.

Thank you - each day that we get through during these times is only going to be a great help in terms of becoming a bit stronger.

He has been asking for face-to-face meetings for months but I have declined due to his aggression.

Thank you again - all the very best to you and your little family.