Emotional burden of being a single parent

[unautrenompourmoi]

Name changed as possibly outing...

I just need to talk to people who understand. I find the emotional burden is so unbearable sometimes. My DDs' mental wellbeing, my worry about climate change and the future they'll inherit, how they won't have the same opportunties as me, getting into debt going to uni, find it harder to buy their own home etc..

My eldest is in Year 8 and whilst she isn't being bullied, she's going through the normal upset within friendships groups, says she doesn't have any friends at school, feels so lonely, cries about it most days. School helped a bit but when I've said I'll call them again she pleads with me not to. Encouraged her to go to school this morning after an hour of tears. Then she called me crying on the way there... in the end I had to be firm with her and say "Look... deep breath and go in. It's only a few hours". Then had to rush to drop my youngest off. Then had to rush to work and was late. Now am trying to concentrate but am left with a sad feeling in the pit of my stomach that I feel most days actually.

I just have no-one to share this burden with. Not really. My mum and sister will say some nice things but then change the subject. Friends may listen but it doesn't help really as it doesn't change the situation. My kids don't talk to their dad about anything to do with feelings so it's all on me. He likes to pretend he's got no ties. They say they feel closer to me. Which is a privilege but I'm so drained.

Any wise words?

Yes I know what you mean, people say talk to friends or family but it’s not the same is it, any problems I share with my mum she just responds with “oh” no one really cares and it’s not the same as having the support from the other parent.

What if your eldest does an activity after school that really likes and maybe there can make other friends? Or maybe he/she will think just after school I will do this that I really like"?

Yes, it's exhausting. I find it helps me to have an outlet, so I can switch off just for an evening. My children's father is useless, doesn't have any kind of relationship with them, unless they achieve something he can show off about. So I deal with all emotional problems. It's horrible when you fall out with school friends, especially at that age. Can you speak to the school welfare person at all? My ds went through a similar thing in year 7, now he's in year 10 and has a very good group of friends, so it does pass.

Thanks for your replies. I've asked my DD to try some clubs but she just refuses. Am trying to build her confidence. I know it'll pass and good to hear of happy stories.

I need to put renewed energy into some sort of outlet. I have various interests but could probably do with getting out more!

Thanks for the solidarity...

I know exactly what you mean, but it isn’t just the worries either, when my son achieves something I don’t have anyone to really share that joy with as I know no one else feels the same about my son as I do.

I’m the same - my kids are all teens now but it feels like they still need me around as much as ever! DD comes home from school in tears probably 50% of the time, partly from exhaustion (she suffers from anemia but has been signed off as ok by doctors) and partly due to friends or teachers being mean. It’s exhausting!

I thought as they got older that I’d be able to get out and do a proper full time job (at the moment I have a series of part time and self employed roles to try and fit around the kids) but I worry that if I’m not here when she gets back (albeit usually on the phone or busy working while she talks to me) that it will be even harder.

I think you can make it a bit easier on yourself by trying to deal with the bigger issues like climate change etc separately to her emotional burdens. We can’t be responsible for solving it all!

Yes, it very isolating not being able to share the joy of achievements and things like that. Although my family are mostly really supportive of my DDs.

I can't imagine me being able to work more when they're teens either. They seem to need me just as much but as you say, in different ways. I really want to be home when they are - I think the after school time is quite important (for homework, informal chats, bonding) and really hope I'm always able to do it...

Good luck to you all, thanks for the replies x

Aww I feel for your dd with teen girl friendship groups.. can be horrid! Perhaps she could move classes at school to mix with different groups if it’s a big school? I think your clubs idea is great. Could you do any together if she is reluctant? Perhaps she would go with you if she thought it was to keep you company, and then you could duck out 😉 even if it’s exercise class or a hobby group of some sort. Good luck xxxx

Thanks I've suggested c lubs but it's met with a definite noooo... such a shame, I'd love for us all to take a self-defence class together or learn piano or something. Maybe I'll get her to agree to it one day.

I've suggested that she move form group at school and think it's probably the best next step but she's not keen on that either. Anything that makes you be singled out at that age is a no no huh?