Pregnant and relationship breaking down, please help.

[Mama1721]

I am currently pregnant with my second child who is due at the end of the year. I also have a child who’s dad has had nothing to do with her since she was a baby, so have raised her by myself and done an amazing job because she is an amazing little girl who is so clever and kind. My relationship is breaking down at the moment and I’m genuinely scared. Everyone around me has been telling me for years he isn’t a good person, he’s possessive and controlling and basically worn me down to nothing. He’s been physically, sexually and emotionally abusive, and I’m finally waking up to it however I’m really scared. I’m scared he’s going to make my life hell by walking away, he’s threatened to take full custody of my unborn child, and I’m just scared. He’s such a powerful person that makes me feel weak and I don’t know how to do this. How do I let him have access to his child and bond with the baby when he’s born, without him gaining control of me and affecting my mental and physical health. I just don’t know how it will work with being in labour and once the baby is born. Do I let him stay with us when the baby is born and risk him working his way into my mind by playing mind games or am I within my right to make him go home at the end of the day and give him times he can see his child? I’m just so scared, I don’t think I’m strong enough for this and it’s really affecting me bonding with my unborn baby because of the way he makes me feel. He makes me question everything I think and feel and makes me feel like everything is my fault. He manipulates everything to do with my life and I just feel so hopeless now. I’m so sorry for the long and depressive message, I’m just hoping someone can give me some advice and wisdom to help me gain the strength to get through this.

First of all no don't let him stay with you after the baby is born. What is your current set up? Do you live together?

I live with just my daughter, he was supposed to be moving in but I’ve been putting it off because I’m scared to have him here. It’s made him so angry and he’s been desperate to move in but I know it’s just so he can gain more control over me. He says he has to be living here once the baby is born, but I just can’t do it, I literally have panic attacks every time I think about it.

Report him to the Police. If he has sexually and physically abused you, he has committed a crime(s). Coercive and controlling behaviour is also a crime. Whether or not he would end up being charged is a different matter, but the investigation process does allow for bail conditions to be imposed and you would also be referred to other agencies who can help you.
Speak to your midwife too.
You could also contact NCDV (you can find them by googling) who could implement an emergency restraining order if they feel you meet the criteria - which from what you are saying, you would. A restraining order would mean that he would not be allowed contact with you and you basically don't have to feel under pressure from him telling him the relationship is over. If he breaches the restraining order, it is a straight up arrestable offence and in all honesty is probably more powerful than being on police bail.
Have a Google for domestic abuse services in your area - they know the ins and outs of everything and can guide you through each step of the process and support you.
Ignore his threat to take full custody - unless he has a shed load of money to go through the court, that is just another thing he is using to control you and make you fearful. He would have to prove you are in someway a danger to your child, which if you already have a daughter who is thriving and doing well, this clearly can not be the case - as such, no court in the land is going to take a newborn baby away from its mother if there is no perceived danger, especially if you are breast feeding.
The help is out there for you - take all of it. Get your plan in place. Don't feel that just because he is the father to your baby that you have to let him be at the birth.
I know some won't agree with me on this, but I'd also be inclined not to put him on the birth certificate too - if he wants the parental rights he would need to apply to the court for this. Definitely seek advice on this.
Good luck - it sounds like you are ready for this - it won't be easy, but I think you have realised doing nothing is not the answer. Xx

How long have you been together and how old is your daughter?

Why hasn't be moved in before now if you've been together for years? Did he start to push for moving in since you found out you were PG or is it only since he thinks he's losing his grip over you?

Do you think he genuinely wants a relationship with the baby and to take proper responsibility for it, and has he always professed to want that? Or is this recent concern about needing to move in before the baby arrives just a smokescreen to prevent you from putting the brakes on the relationship? Perhaps he thinks that you don't have a right to end it, and if any splitting up is to be done then it will be when he decides it's time, not you.

Was the baby planned and if so whose idea was it?