Dating after DV

[EyebagsOnLegs]

7 years of DV, 9 years of control and I’m finally just having a male friend over while Toddler is in bed. Ex went weird. Second time friend was over, Ex found a DVD in the PlayStation and went mad asking who I had over, I better not sleep with someone in the (my) house, I need to go elsewhere to sleep with someone, won’t let me use my phone and has gotten really awful. I might add, that I haven’t slept with the friend and we did watch a dvd. It was nice.
After nearly a decade of him in my head though, I don’t know if it actually would be ok? To be intimate whilst toddler is soundo upstairs, baby monitor on, nobody staying over, trusted person etc. Just having a friend over without telling ex? Is it?? It feels wrong but everything does because Ex is in my head. 2 years we’ve been separated and still he controls me. He doesn’t have toddler at his, only at mine once toddler is already asleep, so I need his permission to go out (3x, all with abuse after). He also stays late and comes early, I think to check on me.

Have you done the freedom program or accessed any other support from domestic violence services? It sounds like even though you have broken up he is still abusing and controlling you. He shouldn't be in your home like that, and you have perfect right to date and have people over. But are you ready to? Or are you still very much enmeshed together so that you might as well still be together, it sounds like it's still his way. He feels like you're cheating on him, because he thinks you're his girlfriend still. He needs to know this through clear boundaries. That's why he arrives early, leaves late and kicks off, because he is pushing your boundaries. But if it was me I would start with a very clear boundary that he never steps foot in your home again. Let him deal with the fall out of that, it's the result of his snooping and abusing.

This is coercive control and it is a crime, so if you want to report it to the police you can. Through the police you can get support from domestic violence, but you can also self refer or go through GP, health Visitor, school/nursery etc. Please get out of this situation, he sounds very volatile.

Do you feel safe leaving your child with him? Or that he will look after your child appropriately provide the right environment etc.? If not I would be looking at getting supervised contact or similar, because some men can use the children to get to their partner when they try to implement boundaries and make some space away from the abuse , so I would look at whether there is anything you can do to help keep little one (and yourself too of course!) safe.

The biggest gift you will ever give your child is to be living in a home free from abuse. However, that doesn't make it easy. It is so hard to get away from your abuser because even if physically they are not just there there words are in your head. You cannot recover mentally whilst still dealing with that person being present all the time. You need physical space first in order to get the head space to start healing, and listening to new messages from women who have been there too, and other kind souls who may not have been through it show you love, kindness, respect and human decency all things this man so obviously lacks.

Stop letting your ex into your home.

Do the drop offs and pick ups in public from now on. You gotta start putting your foot down on YOURSELF op. You decide your boundaries and you need to enforce them.

Block your ex on everything bar one method of contact. Ideally a burner phone. Never reply to anything unless it's a practical message about the child. And if he harasses you- go to the police.

BUT also, you are still not recovered from abuse so - do not start dating again yet.

You haven't even got rid of the last asshole.
And unfortunately, people with unhealthy boundaries often attract more abusers. So be very careful.

Thank you for your support. I feel I can’t not let him in as he works a lot and often his free hours aren’t suitable to have toddler outside at least for the whole time. Ex has MH issues and so I’ve tried to support him and had worse in return. I know the things he has done are illegal and although he’s an enormously loving father he can’t keep his bloody mouth shut to me in front of toddler and I hate it. He’s a big man and I’m tiny and disabled, he literally just won’t stop. I told him he couldn’t come in before he came to get toddler and he just came in. Always does.
As for dating, I’m not ready for a relationship at all and don’t think I will be. Not because of horrible people even, but because I’m finally free and happy and I like my own space. But I have shared a kiss and cuddle with someone I’ve known for a long time and wouldn’t mind taking it further, casually, as it’s actually really healing just having physical contact and someone being good to me. But is it wrong to do so with toddler asleep upstairs, totally unaware? Should ex know who’s in the house?

I’m completely over ex, entirely disinterested in him. But I don’t want to do anything that upsets toddler, even though ex is by being horrible to me. I’m a bit lost. And I feel completely stupid.

In future op you do not answer the door to him. He cannot come in if you do not answer the door.

Set it out clear in writing 'you are not to enter my home anymore. Pick ups and drop offs of the child can occur at * place. If you come to my home again, I will call the police'. And follow through. Do you have any family that could do the drop off and pick ups somewhere for you?

What do you mean he can't have the kid outside? Does he not have his own house the child can go to? If not then it's really not your problem. It's up to him to make a safe space for the child to be. Besides, a few hours is plenty of time for an abusive git to be around a child anyway. None would be better. Have you ever considerd going for full custody?

There is no excuse for abuse. None.
Don't think that kindness abd compromise will make your life easier. It will not. Abusers take that as you showing weakness. And they attack weakness.

In future if he is abusive or harassing you or enters your home when you have said no - call.the.police. That is what they are there for.

You ate not stupid. He has just eroded your self confidence. But you need to find it now. He is your ex, not your jailer. Don't be slow to go to the police about anything nasty or threatening or unlawful he does. Often the law is the only thing his kind listen to. You need to show you have back up and aren't afraid to use it.

Oh and your ex has no right to know who is I'm your house whatsoever.

Dont think I would want to be alone in a house with a man if I had a 2 year old upstairs. It's a bit risky. But I guess if he is genuinely a good friend who you've known a while then it's probably fine.

But you talk about 'intimacy' in your first post. So I assumed this friend was a 'friend' or perhaps expecting to be. So if you don't want a relationship now then maybe best not hang out alone with this guy.