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Lone parents

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Original poster

DD demands to talk to her estranged father

20 replies

Alyssa80 · 25/10/2021 11:21

Hello everyone

I’m a single mother to a 6 yo. Her father left during my pregnancy. He came around when she was about 18 months but it didn’t last. After a year and a half of half baked “involvement” he bailed again.

The last time he visited was in February 2019. Everything went well but he left and never called or showed up again. I later learned that he got married that same month (could it be the reason why ?)

Since then we’ve only been “speaking” through lawyers (for child support proceedings)

DD never stopped talking about him. I made a point to always make her comfortable and free to talk about her father. I never trash him and only tell her I don’t know why he stopped coming or if he’ll ever come back.
I really thought she would eventually come to terms with his absence and maybe even forget about him (she was so young and barely spent quality time with him) but it didn’t happen. Au contraire the older she grows, the more pressing her questions and demands to see or talk to her father are.

She’s been pressuring me for the past 6 months or so to call him. No matter how hard I try to tell her why I can’t, she doesn’t understand. She’s even starting to blame me and it breaks my heart to see her crying over him.
He now has a daughter with his wife and doesn’t give a damn about DD. He never asks about her and never talked about visitation or custody in the proceedings. All he cares about is the financial aspects.

I made the terrible mistake of letting him in her life once and he abandoned her. I should have seen that coming knowing how he ran for the hills the minute I told him I was pregnant. He never wanted her and resents me for not getting an abortion when he told me to do so. So I know, for a fact that he even if he agrees to talk to her on the phone, it will ever go beyond that. He will never be involved in the way a father should be and that's what DD really wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alyssa80 · 25/10/2021 11:24

Wont she be even more miserable when she feels the rejection on his side ? Should I let her come to that realization on her own at such a young age or keep "shielding" her from that pain ?
I'm really lost here and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

TurnUpTurnip · 25/10/2021 12:07

Gosh that sounds so difficult, I have kids with an absent ex but they don’t want to see him, not from my doing just because they have been let down by him so many times they now want nothing to do with him, my youngest (4) like yours he has barely seen as he left when I was pregnant but she never mentions him, I don’t think she remembers him much, it’s difficult because I don’t believe in forcing or chasing anyone to be a father, for example if you messages him and he wasn’t interested in seeing her then what would you say? Has she always asked to see him or has it been more recent?

hamstersarse · 25/10/2021 12:14

That's really tough. But I don't think you have any other option other than to try and facilitate a meeting with him.

If you don't, you become the bad guy and she will create all sorts of stories about why she hasn't seen her dad - mainly about how he is probably wonderful and amazing.

Of course, if he does let her down again, that is going to be hurtful for her, but you can be prepared and ready to support her in whatever happens.

Original poster

Alyssa80 · 25/10/2021 13:04

@TurnUpTurnip at first she would bring the topic now and then and ask me questions about him (what does he do, like etc.) then she started focusing on why he left, why he doesn’t call her or see her. Until last here she would talk about him mostly around birthdays, Father’s Day, or holidays (at times when she would see her peers with their fathers). Now it’s almost every other day.
It really pains me to see her cry and ask why he doesn’t want to be with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alyssa80 · 25/10/2021 13:07

@hamstersarse that’s what I think too but the idea that I would have to sit my baby down and tell her that I reached out to her father but he doesn’t want to talk to her ?… I just can’t imagine how I would do that. I even thought about calling him in front of her and letting her listen to the conversation. Again, it could be very hurtful for her.

OP posts:

Chewieboora · 25/10/2021 13:10

I think you need to protect her from this wanker. And let her express her feelings in full but at the same time say he has chosen not to contact us and reassure her how much you love her?

It's so hard OP. My ex husband has not seen my son in 7 years but he doesn't remember him and so it's a bit easier to deal with why he fucked off.

TheChip · 25/10/2021 13:12

Could you let her call him?

TurnUpTurnip · 25/10/2021 13:28

No a 6 year old shouldn’t be calling a man she hasn’t seen or heard from in almost 3 years, that’s terrible advice 😕 you don’t put that on a child

mamaoffourdc · 25/10/2021 13:34

I would reach out to him and see if he would talk to her - I would also get her some counseling to help her through this x

TheChip · 25/10/2021 13:44

I get that, I really do. It was just with OP saying how she thought of contacting him and having dd listen to the conversation.
The dd wants contact, and OP would be happy for contact so if she if OP did choose to call him then by allowing dd to do it with OP, it could help her see her dm isn't stopping it and could potentially stop dd overhearing a conversation dad doesn't know she is listening to.

Partyintheusa2012 · 25/10/2021 13:50

I think that telling her you don't know why he left or if he'll be back is probably causing her to hope.

I'd contact him and ask if he wants to see her or not, as she's been asking and that you need to be honest about it if he doesn't.

Then go from there. You are going to have to explain that not all parents are good at being parents, and her dad is one of them. Then look for counselling to help her work through it.

TurnUpTurnip · 25/10/2021 14:01

I think it’s too much of a risk, kids need to learn but not at 6, especially if you don’t know how he will react, nothing wrong with the op contacting him if she wants (though I wouldn’t personally) but not the child themselves.

tickingthebox73 · 25/10/2021 14:27

I think you have been foolish not to be honest with her. At 6 she has enough understanding to realise he exists, but isn't here and available. She is questioning you as to why he's not here and available and you basically are not giving her the answer so she persists.

The more you talk without explaining the realities of who he is and how he's behaving, the more she'll think he is this perfect dad waiting in the background.

Think of it as giving her half the story. You've told her the good bits, and now she want "good dad", who basically doesn't exist.

You unfortunately need to "trash" him, in an age appropriate way - you actually need to tell her why he will never speak to you or her....

Mybalconyiscracking · 25/10/2021 14:34

You need to keep telling her that she can’t see him and reassuring her that you love her. Try not to react too emotionally when she asks as she will feed of this.
Does she have other men in her life, grandad or uncles?

Original poster

Alyssa80 · 25/10/2021 19:38

@tickingthebox73 maybe I was but it’s hard to get it right. I’ve been told countless times to never badmouth him in front of her. So how can I explain a grown ass man abandoning a child for no apparent reason ? She’s now old enough to put 2 and 2 together. I once told her that maybe he was not ready to be a dad but she then asked why he went on to have another child… I can’t just tell her he’s an AH…

OP posts:

Original poster

Alyssa80 · 25/10/2021 19:45

Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate you taking your time to answer. I guess my best move would be to seek counseling and see how we can help her cope with all of this.
I keep telling her how much I love her, how much her entire family loves her. She has other male figures in her life (my father, my brother, her godfather etc.)

OP posts:

tickingthebox73 · 25/10/2021 20:05

[quote Alyssa80]@tickingthebox73 maybe I was but it’s hard to get it right. I’ve been told countless times to never badmouth him in front of her. So how can I explain a grown ass man abandoning a child for no apparent reason ? She’s now old enough to put 2 and 2 together. I once told her that maybe he was not ready to be a dad but she then asked why he went on to have another child… I can’t just tell her he’s an AH…[/quote]
You are too honest! You have basically (I think) probably been overly nice about him.

Badmouthing him is more being "unpleasantly critical"....you can be factually critical....

I think this (internet) definition covers it;

As verbs the difference between criticize and badmouth is that criticize is to find fault (with something) while badmouth is (informal) to criticize or malign, especially unfairly or spitefully.

You need to tell it as it is....

Helpimfalling · 25/10/2021 20:08

No don't let her call him, please.
Breaks my heart

TurnUpTurnip · 25/10/2021 20:59

Honestly I think the others are right sounds like you’ve been overly nice about him so she’s painted him up in her head, my sister done that, with my nephew, never said a bad word about him then one day when he was a teen he showed up and turned my nephew against my sister (said he wasn’t allowed to see him, which wasn’t true) my nephew now lives with him and hates my sister for “keeping him from his dad” she’s tried to tell him the truth but it’s too late as she was never honest growing up so he doesn’t believe her now, I do think you need to be more honest about him but in a gentle age appropriate way. And definitely don’t get her to call him!

Viviennemary · 25/10/2021 21:05

I think you need to try. I wouldn't want to either in your circumstances. Certainly don't let her call him. But I agree with seeking counselling about how to deal with it.

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