I just get through the day

[MrsBean21]

That’s it really. I’m an older single mum to a four year old girl and22month old boy. Been single just over a year after being with their dad for seven years. He has a temper and started pushing me around/hurting me in front of daughter. I knew it would escalate so I ended things and I am happier for doing so. I do like it just the children and me. He visits sporadically.

But the last few weeks for some reason I just feel I just get through the day. I do lots of activities with the children, playground etc… but I feel low and noticed I’m becoming snappy at my lovely daughter. I don’t feel depressed just sad that I should be doing more but I’m not. And I don’t know why. I’m mid 40s, don’t have much time for myself, but try and do lots of walking when out with the children.

I find my friends text me with all their problems/issues but rarely ask how am I doing, or ask after the children. I know people are getting on with their lives and have a lot going on, but sometimes I just feel like they want to offload on to me.
I’ve meet up for coffee in the last couple weeks with couple of friends but afterwards felt deflated.

Sorry im not sure what I’m trying to say, it’s all coming out and now I feel I’m offloading onto you all.
It just feels that I just get through the day.

I absolutely love being a SAHM but sometimes am planning to go back to work next year. I love doing activities and all that, we don’t go out on many days out as I don’t drive and I find it stressful on the buses and trains with the buggy and a nervous 4 year old. We do however do very short bus rides, but do tend to walk everywhere. Now saying that I feel bad about us not going further afield.

I’m not moping but feel I maybe be coming across this way, how do I move forward from this sticking point?
Sorry if this has all come out jumbled up, I’m really tired but wanted to write something.
Does anyone else feel like this, how do you get through it.

Hi @MrsBean21,

I think you are perfectly justified to feel as you do. I have 4 children and have been a SAHM over the years on and off since having my eldest. I am in a different situation as I do have a partner, so I am speaking purely from a SAHM perspective here. In the past, the times where I have become irritated/snappy with the DC is when I have felt disheartened about giving over my life to solely serve my children. I think it is a signal that you need some of your life back a little.

What helped me enormously is having some goals and things to strive for in my life for the future (whether that be taking a course or preparing a small business), taking up some hobbies/sport, or returning to part-time work, otherwise I would be surviving and not thriving.

Friendships need that balance between give and take, so if your current friends are draining, I would let them go and invest some time into looking for some friends that want to hear about your life also.

You should not feel guilty OP. Little kids don’t need big fancy days out. If you are getting them out in the neighborhood, spending time outdoors, letting them run around, meeting other children and going places like the supermarket and post office then you are doing exactly what you need to do. Presumably your little one at least is still napping and it’s hard to work around that. As they get older it will get easier to take them places and you can gradually expand your territory but don’t worry about it now.

There are lots of positives to focus on here. You have friends and you sound a wonderful mother by getting out and doing bus rides and activities. What more does a child need? My child's highlight will be getting the local bus back from town.

But obviously you need more. Are you etching out proper time for you? I live for the first morning nap when I can come on Mumsnet and then sit and read a book with a coffee. What makes you tick?

Also look up Blaze on Facebook. It's a walking group for mams and children. I've just joined our local one and they are up and down the country apparently.

I think most single mums feel like this tbh, I am a single mum to 4 and my ex doesn’t have any involvement at all (his choice) things will start getting better once they are both in school, I don’t do as much as I would like with my children as sometimes it’s hard to even find the energy!

Hi all, thank you for your replies.
@PurpleSneakers, yes I think you’re absolutely right, I do need a little bit of my life back. I’m going to revisit some of my hobbies, mainly jewellery making and sewing. I absolutely loved doing both of these, nowadays not really had the time to sit down do much. Usually by the time the kids are asleep I’m so shattered I usually go to bed with a book or a quick scroll on MN. I suppose now my daughter has started school there is time during the day when my youngest has his nap.

Funnily enough a friend texted out the blue this morning, not heard from her since the summer, asking how we are and wanting to catch up sometime. Which was actually nice to receive. I do agree I do need to let go of some friendships as they are draining.
I suppose life events changes us.

@JackieChiles
Today we went to the park and it was nice just being in the moment. After writing the thread the other night I’ve been thinking about things and we actually do get out nearly everyday even just to the post office and I suppose to little ones that’s an adventure. I think I read about of peoples lives and the school WhatsApp group people recommending days out they’ve been on or what they are planning to do and sometimes I just feel am I doing enough but I’ve acknowledged to myself I’m doing what is manageable right now.

@pompomsgalore, Thank you, I will look up Blaze. That’s something my little one and I would enjoy, whilst my eldest is at school.

@TurnUpTurnip, I’m guessing that this is something a lot of single mums feel at times as you say. All my friends are with partners, I think widening my circle of friends a bit and meeting other single mums would be nice.

It did help me writing my thread as yesterday I felt in a very reflective mood, and even though I feel a little low I am so grateful it’s the children and me. It will just take time to establish the life for us. I think as well I’ve been so tired lately that’s had a huge impact on things.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Thanks for the updates @MrsBean21.
You do sound like a wonderful mum, and it sounds like you have some great plans in place to turn this feeling around. All the best.

@MrsBean21 it is lovely hearing from random old friends and that's how others will feel when they hear from you. Why not sit for five minutes and go through your contacts to see who you can message and bring a smile to their faces.

They might necessarily be play date friends but it's nice to message and have adult chit chats.

Autumn is the time crafts so enjoy restarting something. Why not start something small and manageable first so you get a quick result to help motivate you.

@pompomsgalore, yes it is lovely to receive a text out of the blue. I do keep in touch with friends whether it be texts or phone calls. But it does feel a little one sided at times. Maybe it’s me?! I’ve been looking at apps for single parents, I’ll give that a try. I do feel having some friends who are single parents themselves will help. I sometimes think my friends who are part of a couple just don’t get it or want to get the point I’m making.

Well I think I’m establishing a nice little evening routine now, the kids are asleep by 7.30 nowadays so I have time to do things for myself. This week I’ve started crocheting again, it’s been a while but it’s relaxing. Also been making bracelets and necklaces with beads. Keeping my hands busy seems to calm my mind.
I still feel a little stuck but hoping next week our routine will begin again once eldest back at school. I can get out and about with the little one.

Have a look at the Frolo app its for single parents. Its a lovely community and you can meet with other single parents near you or they have zoom meet ups and have lots of different subjects that affect single parents.

@PurpleSneakers the times where I have become irritated/snappy with the DC is when I have felt disheartened about giving over my life to solely serve my children. I think it is a signal that you need some of your life back a little

Thank you for this. You made me realise I’ve been feeling this way lately and I think it’s because I feel lost and just a housewife and Mum. Where have I gone?

There’s also mush OP which is to meet Mums with kids similar age in your area. Sorry if someone has said this already.

@gonnabeok, Yes it’s the Frolo app I was going to look into. Read something about it a few weeks ago, well anyway I’ve joined up as I like there are all different chat areas you can pop into. So I’ll see how it goes, would be nice to get to know some local mums in a similar situation.
@black2black, I tried Mush when I had my eldest child, conversations seem to take a while to get established and it felt a little slow but I’ll take a look again, things change over time. Thank you.