Problem with other parent

[user1471508872]

Not sure if this is the right place but I’m after some advice. Me and my ex split in June last year, was all pretty amicable at first or so I thought. Spent Christmas together etc last year then lockdown comes around in January.

At this point communication had broken down almost entirely between me and my ex but I was trying my best to arrange contact between him and the kids. He wanted to just come and see them whenever he wanted without any routine etc, I asked for us to have a proper routine in place. He spat the dummy out and told me I can’t tell him what to do, he then didn’t even ask about the kids at all for 6 month. Didn’t even call or message to wish our middle child (8) a happy birthday etc. He has not seen them since January 2nd.

Bit of a back story the relationship was incredibly toxic and abusive (from him to me) children have in the past witnessed the abuse. Ex had a drinking problem and is known to become violent and aggressive when drinking. We have both spoken to solicitors, so I know I am doing everything ‘right’ to protect myself and the kids from a legal point.

My eldest is 11 decided way back in august last year he didn’t want anything to do with his dad, even when he was coming to see the other children he would sit in his room and not see or speak to his dad. For the most part ex respects this but this is where my issue now is.

Yesterday ex had been to the football match so it’s safe to assume he will have been drinking. He text my eldest last night as he had a program for him and he would leave it with his mam (the kids nana). All fine no problem with this. Then later on yesterday evening he starts texting my son telling him that I stopped him seeing him (my son knows this isn’t true as he tried to say this in January also), he was also telling him that he can give him more things than I can, that he can have a better life, that I did bad things to him too (ds can remember the abuse and told his dad that everyone is happier without him because he is too angry), telling him he will need him one day etc. He has now just text again around 30 minutes ago saying he still gives him money and how he can give them more than they have now etc.

DS has some behaviour problems and these messages caused him to become very angry and annoyed. Surely it can’t be acceptable for ex to send these kinds of messages? He knows the oldest wants nothing to do with him, he will even start his messages usually with I know you don’t want to speak to me but… DS usually won’t message back at all but yesterday did to say yes leave the match program at nanas then he started with all this. I just don’t know what to do about it or who I can contact to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

thanks in advance.

Change his number or block him?!

@TurnUpTurnip

Change his number or block him?!

Yes that’s obviously the easiest option but then it’s me who is the bad guy again and stopping the communication etc. The contract for the phone is in Ex’s name so I can’t change the number etc until the contract is over without him getting it anyways. Again blocking him may cause issues with DS as he won’t be able to contact him if there is a problem with his card etc. I don’t want DS to then turn on me if there happens to be an issue and he can’t get it sorted.

SAve the messages that your ex has sent as you will need these if it ever goes to court. Then get rid of that mobile. Your ex can contact your son via your phone or landline. He shouldnt be having unsupervised contact by phone or anyway else when he is being so obviously abusive to him. Your son is 11! You are his advocate. It isnt right for his dad to be contacting him like that so make sure it stops now.

@doyouwantachuffedybadge

SAve the messages that your ex has sent as you will need these if it ever goes to court. Then get rid of that mobile. Your ex can contact your son via your phone or landline. He shouldnt be having unsupervised contact by phone or anyway else when he is being so obviously abusive to him. Your son is 11! You are his advocate. It isnt right for his dad to be contacting him like that so make sure it stops now.

Thank you. I have already screenshot them and sent to my phone. I am pleased you also see these messages as abusive as this was my feeling too but wondered if I was being too sensitive because of the way he treated me in the past.

I would get him another phone for everyone else and leave that one just for his dad to send messages.

Take the phone away , this really is quite simple . You're making it complicated talking about phone contracts and what your ex may / may not say / think/ feel. Protect your son from his abuse, simple as that.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Take the phone away , this really is quite simple . You're making it complicated talking about phone contracts and what your ex may / may not say / think/ feel. Protect your son from his abuse, simple as that.

No, I understand that. I think I’m concerned about protecting myself legally as well. I can’t currently afford a meeting with my solicitor so want to know if I block him etc that this can’t be used against me should it go to court. Luckily my friend was here with me when my son showed me the messages as I wanted to phone the police or someone immediately, then once I calmed down didn’t know if I was just being dramatic/ over sensitive because of the abuse I went through.

Legally, if there is no order saying you have to make your son available for telephone contact, then he doesnt have to have a phone. Even if there was an order saying he has to have phone contact, no court can force a child to interact with their parent via phone. Also, phone contact would most likely not be ordered after Cafcass have spoken to the son and he has said how he feels about contact, and you have shown the messages to the court. Your ex is bullying you, Take control and stop the interaction. Your ex can take you to court if he wants, and you can represent yourself, but it is clear, and will be clear to the courts, that your ex is not putting your son first.

The one thing is - don;t throw the phone away as you could be done for damage to your ex's phone as it is legally his. He could actually ask for the phone back and would be within his rights to do so. But your situation suggests he wouldnt do this. Just put the phone aside and inform your ex that all communication will be going through you from now on as the way he is directly interacting is inappropriate and abusive. Send that message then do not interact with him. If he turns up at your door, call the police.

You do need to be prepared though as as there isnt a court order, and he has parental responsibility, he can take your child from school or even take him to his own home and the police wouldnt remove him. I know it sounds frightening but these are the facts. Your son however is 11 and if he doesnt want to go, he should be forthright about this. He cant be manhandled to go with him but you need to ensure he knows he doesnt have to go with him at all. If the phone contact continues, he could be manipulated into thinking he has no choice but to do what his dad says so stop the contact now, and be firm with what is going to happen. I know its hard when an abusive ex convinces you that you are the one in the wrong and that they have the power to take your child, but stop thinking like this now, and get sensible.

@doyouwantachuffedybadge

Legally, if there is no order saying you have to make your son available for telephone contact, then he doesnt have to have a phone. Even if there was an order saying he has to have phone contact, no court can force a child to interact with their parent via phone. Also, phone contact would most likely not be ordered after Cafcass have spoken to the son and he has said how he feels about contact, and you have shown the messages to the court. Your ex is bullying you, Take control and stop the interaction. Your ex can take you to court if he wants, and you can represent yourself, but it is clear, and will be clear to the courts, that your ex is not putting your son first.

The one thing is - don;t throw the phone away as you could be done for damage to your ex's phone as it is legally his. He could actually ask for the phone back and would be within his rights to do so. But your situation suggests he wouldnt do this. Just put the phone aside and inform your ex that all communication will be going through you from now on as the way he is directly interacting is inappropriate and abusive. Send that message then do not interact with him. If he turns up at your door, call the police.

You do need to be prepared though as as there isnt a court order, and he has parental responsibility, he can take your child from school or even take him to his own home and the police wouldnt remove him. I know it sounds frightening but these are the facts. Your son however is 11 and if he doesnt want to go, he should be forthright about this. He cant be manhandled to go with him but you need to ensure he knows he doesnt have to go with him at all. If the phone contact continues, he could be manipulated into thinking he has no choice but to do what his dad says so stop the contact now, and be firm with what is going to happen. I know its hard when an abusive ex convinces you that you are the one in the wrong and that they have the power to take your child, but stop thinking like this now, and get sensible.

Thank you. I have now informed him all communication must come through me.