Feeling low, advice or kick up the bum appreciated

[Clocksandhocks]

Hello (nc for this as i dont want linked to other posts)

My fiance and I split up 3 months ago, 2 weeks before our wedding and i am now 7 months pregnant. He was my best friend, love of my life, and meant the world to me. In the six years together, we never argued and only issue was his Mum. I've posted previously about her behaviour towards him e.g. controlling, no boundaries, we had to do as said, and emotional abuse towards him e.g. 'if you dont come with me or do xyz, it means you dont love me' etc.

His Mum kicked off that we hadn't invited 4 people to the wedding (2 couldn't be accommodated, and 2 family members we dont speak to). She gave ultimatum that wedding is off or he loses his family. He wanted us to cut contact and make a fresh start, but I told him no he needs to speak to her, put boundaries in place and resolve he issue. He did, and he never came home. I got a text to say wedding is off, to not contact him and I needed to leave our home immediately (rented from his family member).

At a loss and with no communication from him, I packed up and moved to stay with a friend 5 hours away whilst I got sorted. I felt so abandoned, confused and at a loss. He seems to have deleted or removed me from his life totally and changed his number. I know there must have been something bigger going on and I've obviously missed the red flags somewhere.

I've come to terms that the relationship is gone, but struggling so much with next steps... every house I put an offer on I get outbid, I have a full time job which is great but petrified about the cost of childcare, I need to work ft to house us but then need childcare too. I appreciate that I will have to push for maintenance from him, but cant do anything until baby arrives. Just living out of boxes, with very little support. Family and friends are pretty non existent and I'm feeling trapped in an area I hate with no friends, on the plus side it's more affordable and I have a roof over my head but I need to sort somewhere before baby comes.

I flit between missing him, confusion, anger that he wanted this baby and has vanished, anger that he has abandoned us, and devastation that I feel my life has turned out this way. I'm not entitled to any financial support, but housing and childcare is going to knock me for six.

I'm grateful I have a baby on the way, but this isnt what I had planned.

Thank you for listening :)

Oh my! I'm afraid I don't have any real advice for you, but just wanted to send you a virtual hug as this is a lot for you to be going through right now.
Have a look on turn2us or on gov.uk child tax credits to see what benefits you might be entitled to - it may well be in your favour to actually reduce your hours and top up with benefits as you might then get more assistance with things like childcare but you essentially come out with similar money xx

Dont kick yourself up the bum. You've been betrayed by your baby's father. How could you not be hurting? How could you not not be finding this hard?

Give youself a pat on the back. It's hard being a single parent and you're being realistic to be aware, but the adjustment from couple to single parent is really hard. The hardest part I think.

The baby will bring joy. Xx

Ps, you can block his awful mother now. I would.

Her son is a weak man.

You have more backbone than the two of them.

Thank you both :) hurting but trying to keep strong. I wish I had answers but just silence. Thank you, I will have a look. I tried one calculator the other day but it came back as 0, I need to think long and hard about my hours and income I think. Just feel so foggy at the moment and not sure what I should be focusing on first.

If you've got a good maternity package, just keep on as you are for the time being - if you are on standard maternity allowance, you may be eligible to claim UC as well being a single parent. Speak to your midwife, they might be able to point you in the direction of local services that can assist you in ensuring you get what you are entitled to.
I'm so sorry you are in this position and I can't believe your exP has walked away without so much of an explanation and leaving you to fend for yourself 😢😢 You've got this though! You are strong xx

Wow that is pretty extreme behaviour from him.

Find your childcare and do your budget from that. Good luck

Be really kind to yourself right now. Start with that.

I'm a single mother, to two teens, so a lot further down the road, but I left (escaped) I left with a toddler and a baby. Now they're 18 and 15 now. Very little (almost no) contact with their father. And life has been ok! Far better than ok.

It's a tough process to go through and you're at the very beginning of it. But you'll be more of a 'man' than this spineless article is capable of being.

His weakness will turn you off him. One day you'll shudder at the thoughts that you were nearly going to share your life with this weak man.

That need for answers can be so tormenting though, I know that. But the answers are something along the lines of ''he's too weak'' or ''he did the easy thing not the right thing''

One day you'll wake up and you'll realise that you're no longer tormented by not knowing the answer. You'll wake up with a spring in your step enjoying life realising you don't CARE what the answers are.

It's a really tough time, so look in to Kirsten Neff and Chris Germer (both on youtube) for the practice of self-compassion.

That's what you need right now.

If it gets really really hard, acknowledge that upset. Honour it. Don't ''kick yourself up the bum!!''. Say to yourself ''I've been through something horribly upsetting and it's really really challenging for me'' and allow yourself to feel that.

Wish I could give you a hug. Heartbreak plus pregnancy is a big deal.

What class of shit man would leave you to deal with that?

A really spineless weak one who does the easy thing not the right thing.

You deserve better. You'll get better. Whether that's a rewarding single life, working, independence, motherhood, new friendships, freedom, resilience, contentment or (one day) a new partner, you deserved better than this and one day you'll get it.

And in the meantime! Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It will actually be easier not to be pandering to all of their nonsense and trying to maintain a difficult relationship. You can focus on you and on your baby and not walk any tightropes.

You sound like an assertive person. You wouldn't allow yourself to be coerced in to pandering to your MIL to be's coercive tactics! No wonder she hated you!

There's a lovely chris germer meditation I like to fall asleep to sometimes. It asks you, if your friend were going through what you're going through now, what would you say to them? What kind supportive few words would you give them, and then it switches to you telling yourself that in a meditative state. It's really soothing.

It'd sound far too trite to say that you're too good for him, but you will know that in a few years.

A man who abandoned his 7 month preg fiancee because his mother was making demands about who'd be at the wedding?

That man is going to turn you off in years to come.

You'll find your strength and joy.

ps, and the reason there's no communication is because it would embarrass him so much to acknowledge the truth ie ''I capitulated and did what my mum told me to do''. He can never say that to you.

@Icomeinpeace thank you, you have really brightened my day! Very inspiring, and will take a look at the meditation :) I go from feeling anger to upset that our future has gone or that my future will be different. I feel a huge relief not having to deal with the controlling behaviour and put downs from his family, but part of me misses the life we had. I think the zero contact is what bothers me, to go from excitement about being a father to cutting us out of his life totally is just absurd! Onwards and upwards x

Oh OP I am so sorry you have been through this. I have a very similar story.
I was 5 months pregnant with my second when my husband just left me. I had no idea it was going to happen, he never ever told me he was thinking of leaving, always that he loved me and was happy. It felt like I was run over by a bus... every day. I had to pull my pregnant body off the floor and look after our eldest whilst he just walked. He's still in the children's lives, but selfishly that makes it so much worse. I lost my husband (which I don't care about now) but also lost part of my children (when they stay with him). You will hit rock bottom before it gets better, maybe hit it a few times but it WILL get better. Trust me, you will NOT feel how you do now next year. Let yourself grieve your relationship. You don't have to be over him to be happy. You will miss him and panic that he's not there, it's norma and ok to feel like this. You will grieve the life you thought you were going to have. But trust me when I say this... you won't always be grieving. After grieving comes accepting and once you fully accept you will start to move on.
Set yourself little goals, and if you're struggling don't struggle on your own. I referred myself to minds matters and the therapy really helped push myself forwards.
Always here to chat OP, I know how heartbreaking it is. You will get better ♥️

I really empathise with you. I split from my husband early in pregnancy with our second child, and he has completely changed from the person I married. On the plus side, you didn't tie yourself legally to this man, therefore he had zero control over you.

I underwent the worst period of mental health I've ever experienced, but needed to keep it together for my eldest and the new baby. I am over s year down the line now, housing sorted, back at work and somehow making it all work. I have taken several little holidays with the kids, I go on days out with the kids, we have our routines and a happy life without him. Unfortunately he wants shared care of them 5050 and this brings its own stress.

The best advice I got was to take it one step, one hour, one day at a time. Yes, your life is different from what you imagined, however that doesn't have to be a negative. I understand the heartbreak and betrayal at being left, and occasionally I still get a fleeting stab from that, but I am now a better mother than I ever was within marriage, I am happier and my kids are settled. You got this!

I was entitled to universal credit when I went to maternity pay, it helped hugely. I work a professional job so had no experience of benefits before. If you contact them they are actually quite helpful.

Good luck!

Thank you slideswingsandtears, I'm sorry to hear that you have been through similar but you sound in a good place now. He hasnt spoken to me, so I have no idea about his want for custody. My fear is 50 50, more that his mother will fight through him. Could I possibly ask a little bit more about universal credit? I'm in a professional role and plan to continue after maternity, but presumed that I wouldn't be eligible for support. My package at the moment is fp for 8 weeks then smp which is a big drop. I tried an online calculator which came back as 0, but I was putting in my figures for my wages at the moment.

Thank you :)