Children's father is causing them emotional stress

[littleproblems]

Long story short I am separated from my children's father - 2 yrs now and we are going through a terrible financial settlement. It has been hell trying to co-parent with him during this time as he is hellbent on revenge and is so bitter towards me that the children are taking the brunt of his anger and hurt.

My 8 yr old daughter has struggled with her relationship with him because he emotionally and verbally abuses her now that he can no longer get at me. My 4 yr old son hasn't borne any of his negative behaviour up until last weekend and I cannot let them be the 'go between' anymore. I have contacted various children's

organisations such as the NSPCC, action for children etc to ask for advice and I have been told that unless there are any court orders for child contact (which there aren't) then I am within my rights to stop contact between my children and their father if I believe it to be causing them harm. Over the past 2 years I have written to my ex explaining the hurt and harm he is causing the children with his behaviour, his words and actions but it never does any good and sooner or later it starts again. I truely do not want to stop contact between them, I would never purposely keep the children away from their dad but I can see what effects his behaviour is having on my daughter (she now suffers with anxiety and separation issues) and I am petrified my son will start suffering. Who knows what this will do to their mental health as they get older.

Last weekend my ex was due to see the children on Saturday for the day. My son had a BD party to go to and the plan was (or so my ex told me after I had asked) for him to collect the children, take my daughter to his mums house 20 mins away, leave her there with her and then drive back to our village to where the party was and take my son and stay with him until the end. On the Friday night my daughter, who had been worrying all week about this plan asked me whether I could text her dad to ask him if she could be picked up after the party as she did not want to go back to his mums without her brother (there is nothing for her to do there and his mum just sits in front of the TV). So I text him at dinner time and got no reply. My daughter was upset that he hadn't replied and went to bed upset.

I awoke on Saturday morning to 4 texts messages sent during the night (he was obviously drunk) filled with verbal abuse and name calling but saying he would just take my son to the party and then collect my daughter afterwards. I told my daughter this and she was content. I got my son ready and his dad picked him up for the party. Half hour later I heard the door being opened (back door) and it was my son, crying his eyes out and soaking wet. From what I could make out he had arrived at the party and not wanted to join in (fair enough) so his dad had walked him home (a good 20 mins walk) in the pouring rain and left him at our garden gate to walk back to where the party was being held to collect his car...yes I know you are probably all thinking what? For some reason that is unknown to me he had made my son walk home in the rain rather than getting back in the car to drive him home. My son was soaked through and extremely upset. He also said that he was 'cross with daddy for making him walk home in the rain'. I was speechless and had no idea what had actually happened. My ex will not talk to me face to face, he's so childish even after all this time that he will not communicate anything regarding the children. We exchange the occasional email and text for arrangements but thats it. I did text him when my son got home but received no reply. My daughter expected him to return in the car to pick them up and take them out for the day as planned but he never came back. I have heard nothing since, no email or text even though I've asked. All I have is the explanation of a 4 yr old of what happened.

This is not the first time something like this has happened, and I am so fed up with him using the children as if they do not matter.

What shall I do? I am inclined to email him asking him again for an explanation and to say that his behaviour is not acceptable.

I know that he will turn up next weekend at the arranged time to pick up the children just expecting them to go out with him but I feel that I need to say something.

My daughter was upset that her dad never came back for them not to mention confused.

My son was upset and angry at how he had been treated.

I need to stand up for them.

DO NOT SEND YOUR CHILDREN ANYWHERE NEAR HIM.

My mate is the same as you and I will never understand the dithering. The kids are at risk from this man. You wouldn't send them to anyone else who did this, so why him?

It took her 6 years of him being drunk with turn, driving them around pissed and being convicted of drink driving twice before she put her foot down.

If he wants to see the kids, he can go to court.

Keep records of EVERYTHING.

This is about keeping the kids safe. Allowing him access is, frankly, a huge problem with men like this. Better the kids are safe than harmed surely?

Fuck having a relationship with their father - he doesn't deserve it, and they deserve to be protected from him.

Contact SS. Do you know any adults at the party that would corroborate what your son says. It would make it easier on your son and less hard for your ex to dispute

@Caramellatteplease

Contact SS. Do you know any adults at the party that would corroborate what your son says. It would make it easier on your son and less hard for your ex to dispute

I have spoken to one of the mums so far and she explained that she saw my son and his dad at the entrance of the hall (hired guide hut) and that my son was crying and upset. She attempted to talk to him but in her words said that she didn't feel his dad was very keen on her doing it. My ex has never had any patience and always got incredibly embarrassed when either of the children when, as babies would cry in public to the extent that he would quite loudly tell them to shush and or shut up which I, at the time quite rightly would be shocked and appalled about. I can just imagine my ex getting impatient and embarrassed at my son not wanting to join in with the party and so near enough dragging him out to get away from prying eyes. I'm sure this is what happened and he took this out on my son. I plan to ask another mum whose child was also at the party whether she saw anything either, I need to understand what happened as I have no other way of finding out. It really is pathetic how he will not communicate with me regarding the children, he hasnt even asked how our son is after his upset...what does that tell you?

It tells me that you're still waiting for other people's permission (other party mums and people on here) before you're willing to protect your children.

More to the point, what does it tell you? And what are you going to do about it?

You need to take control of this and NOW. The only evidence you need that your children are being harmed emotionally by your ex is from your children.From what they say and how they ate emotionally.you should stop contact now.write down these situations and the effect they have had on your children, then PROTECT them.

You don't need any other witness, you are within your rights to stop contact and protect them from suffering any further emotional harm. His behaviour with your son was dangerous and neglectful and designed to punish him.

Stop physical contact and tell him he can make an application to court for contact. You need to step up now and do not let him intimidate you.

Don't let them go to him again without a court order. He can come and see them in your house if he needs to.

Get bloody good legal advice. These types play hard ball and your kids will suffer if you just capitulate to him.

Has he ever showed any coeecive control toward you? Physical displays of temper? If so then get yourself to the police and get these on record.

Op you fail your dc if you send them anymore...
Let a judge deem him suitable for unsupervised contact..
Keep all messages and voice mails.
Your poor dc...

yikes.
stop contact now, let him take you to court (i highly think he wont) keep a diary of what he has done, texts etc, any contact

you cannot send you children anymore it is not in their best interests!

It's very easy to say just cut contact but it could go against you if he does go to court. Abusive men are often very good at convincing the courts that they are being excluded from their childrens lives without reason. Speak to the school, ask if they have seen any evidence of distress from your dd and get in touch with Social Services and document everything you can remember about things he as done with times and dates (look back through your messages for dates and times of incidents). Put the groundwork in now the more evidence you have and the more background you can supply the better it will be for you to back up the withdrawal from contact if that is what you end up doing.

Aside from the issue of continued contact (no recent experience of this so don’t know how laws stand etc to give advice), what support are your children getting for past behaviour/the ongoing situation? This has already caused damaged and the practical side is unlikely to resolve quickly.

Involving a child psychologist or a therapist who works with children could be really valuable for helping them cope, both now and in the future.

When people are bing abused, it’s important to support the victims as well as confront the abuser. Especially in situations where you might not be able to control access.

I think given ages of your children that it’s tricky for you. However, your daughter is already showing signs that the abuse is affecting her. I don’t know that you ever fully get over childhood abuse and in some cases there can be resentment to the non abusive parent for not protecting the child from the abuse. Like other posters the focus has to be on documenting the abuse and helping your children, they may need counselling/ play therapy.
In an ideal world every child would have two loving involved parents even if those parents weren’t together, however some people just shouldn’t be parents and cause more harm then good in their children’s lives.

You can stop contact and let him take you to court. That's your best course of action.

I can't believe your currently sat saying you don't want them to stop having a relationship with their dad who is literally cruel to them??? I can't process the fact this man treats them so badly and is clearly emotionally abusing your children and your debating whether to still send them or not.. absolutely do not send them back to that c*nt of a man unless you've been ordered to by the court he doesn't deserve them and the effects of his weird behaviour is already showing in your daughter.. you need to protect them babies by all means necessary and if thats stopping him seeing them then so be it!