Sick of being a mum and nothing else

[TurnUpTurnip]

Is anyone else just sick of being just a mum and nothing else? I have no social life, I never go out as I’m with my children 24/7 can’t even date because of this, all I am is a mum with no life to myself, everything involved kids all the time, when do you stop feeling like just a mum and get a life back?

Same. And that's all I can say. I worship my DS and if given the choice I'd rather spend my time with him. He's the best. But I don't have a choice and I think that's what's hard. I am literally just a Mom, and then I work helping others and then back to being a Mom. I barely get time to sit down and watch what I want on telly.
All this said though I don't think I could even afford to have any sort of social life or self care anyway with how tight things are financially, which in turn makes you feel even more isolated. I think when you feel like this it comes at you from all angles.

But I do really miss myself.

I never went out until for around 7 years...Just work and the 3 kids ( but we did go on nice holidays abroad) that’s just how life was...didn’t really think much about it....I Moved closer to family and life got much easier.....

I'm with you here - I adore my Dds (2&4) but it is 24/7. I've no time off (bar a few months ago when their (self obsorbed, selfish, etc etc) dad looked after them for a night....

My 2 year old isn't sleeping well atm and I'm a zombie most days, can't use the toilet without eyes watching (and a round of applause, 'good job Mummy'!) It's funny, but I miss a book and longer than 30 seconds....!

I don't have any family and moved to a new area just before covid hit, so haven't had the chance to make any local friends as yet....

....I'm feeling a bit low today, I need a bath and really need sleep...I'm not going to get any help there but I just got laughed at when I mentioned to dad' that he look after our Dd's once a week if I could start yoga again.... He only sees our Dds because I let him into mine, this weekend I've had enough of being walked all over and I'm putting a stop to it, but how long for who knows, my dds love him very much so I'll be made out as 'bad guy' but what else do I do? I feel like a doormat...

Dd2 starts school in 2023, I'm thinking that's when I'll get some 'me' time back...but I can't remember the last time I left the house when it was dark outside.

I don't often vent about this, but thanks for the thread OP, I'm following to see if anyone can post you some helpful advice!

I’m near family but they would never have my kids for me to have a life, never, only an emergency. I guess this was just prompted by seeing a picture of my ex out on a night out with friends, I shouldn’t have looked 😒 as he is not in contact with the children, but I just hate that I have no life at all, I love the kids but there is only so much you can talk to kids about the same thing over and over again, I never have any time off, weekend are Saturday a day out with the kids then I spend Sunday cleaning cooking and preparing for school. Just feel sad I feel like my life is over.

It's tough when they are little. It gets better as they get older and you go back to work. I studied an OU degree and that gave me something outside of motherhood to focus on and has lead me to teaching going from relying on benefits to earning £30k+ which is more than enough for us.

As Dd got older I planned the things I enjoyed and took DD with me, I love theatre so took Dd to child friendly shows from 2 years (Dora, Barney etc) by 5 she knew how to behave and we did the kids weeks in London, now she's 12 and loves theatre too and we go regularly. Not always to expensive shows, sometimes to local productions that are often less than £5. Same with going to the cinema and eating out, took her to child friendly places to start with and nows she's more of a foody than I am. Same with walking, started off with short strolls and now do longer ones.

I guess if you like clubbing and drinking etc it's not very helpful but I was never interested in that anyway. Sometimes maybe you need to reframe what it is that makes you 'you'.

You life isn't over, once your youngest is 12 they become a lot more independent and so can you, leaving them home alone for a couple of hours to meet friends, go to the gym or whatever.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime I can't wait to start taking mine to the theatre! That's something to look forward to! My 4 year old would love it now, but my 2 year old notsomuch...

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

You life isn't over, once your youngest is 12 they become a lot more independent and so can you, leaving them home alone for a couple of hours to meet friends, go to the gym or whatever.

...its a bit depressing to think that for me that'll be in 2031....

Babysitter?

@Frazzledd it gets better in increments though, I've just noticed a big jump now as Dd has started high school, she enjoys similar shows to me now, loves Upstart Crow, mock the week, would I lie to you, Paw Patrol and Barney are a distant memory, she let's herself in after school. If I'm ill (migraine, cold or similar) she's able to pop to the corner shop, make a simple meal for us. If she's ill I can leave her at home and pop out for medicine etc which I definitely couldn't do home alone when she was little. Life just gets so much easier and not so all consuming.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime but when does go from being 'all consuming' to just 'consuming'? People keep mentioning when they're 12 which is another 10 years and I feel like even over the past 2 I just continue to loose more of myself...

Whats worse is I don't want to wish their life away, that makes me feel so guilty! I want to be 'fun' mum and I'm trying so hard to do that but my tanks really running low...

I was dancing with them today (youtube showtunes, we do microphones etc, we've always done it), but I was just holding back tears, I'm so tired, I don't want them to see me cry at all but I'm afraid I'm loosing my filter...

Just cooked a roast and about to start 4 hours of dinner, dinner, bath, bath, story, story, settle x2...this can go on until 10pm, up at 2am with my 2 year old (every night) down at 4am, up at 6am to get 4 year old ready for school....

I'm trying to write a list for next week that's different but I don't know where to start...?

How old are your children? Do you work? Working full time might sound like it is worse still but many women find they can be themselves at work rather than a mum even if they are not better off. Once in school you can get a bit more freedom and there's a lot of difference once the youngest is secondary age because leaving alone (at first for an hour or so) is a possibility. Can you afford a babysitter once a month or negotiate with family for 3 hours once a month?

As for dating, old is a possibility, you can arrange to meet whilst your kids are playing in soft play or the park perhaps, after all we chat to people all the time in parks (at least I do). My friend was in your situation and did introduce her now dp of 12 years as a friend fairly quickly and I helped her a couple of times with childcare so she could go back to his when things progressed before she was comfortable with him being overnight at hers ... success anyway for her, could be for you

I used to hate the constant playing and the associated mess, once they start school it's easier.

I keep my demands on myself low though, it's just Dd and me, I know I don't have the mental energy to date so I don't, so it's likely to stay just the two of us. I would never make a proper roast for only two it's not worth it but I might buy a cooked chicken or similar from Morrisons and add the sides. Since lockdown we've massively dialed back Dds extra curricular activities I used to rush around non stop getting her to X, Y and Z being a 'good' mum and making sure that she wasn't deprived being from a single parent family, we realized over lockdown that actually we preferred a slower pace of life and dropped several classes.

I don't know what to suggest with your routine as I've only got the one. But it really does get better.

No I don’t work I have a disabled child, hence can’t use babysitter either, my youngest is 4 so that’s 8 years away 😢😭

Have a look at the frolo app - it's for single parents in the same situation. There are meet ups and zoom meets and some really good tips on there.

I wouldn’t meet anyone whilst my kids are with me sorry but that’s an absolute no for me for safe guarding reasons

[quote Frazzledd]@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime but when does go from being 'all consuming' to just 'consuming'? People keep mentioning when they're 12 which is another 10 years and I feel like even over the past 2 I just continue to loose more of myself...

Whats worse is I don't want to wish their life away, that makes me feel so guilty! I want to be 'fun' mum and I'm trying so hard to do that but my tanks really running low...

I was dancing with them today (youtube showtunes, we do microphones etc, we've always done it), but I was just holding back tears, I'm so tired, I don't want them to see me cry at all but I'm afraid I'm loosing my filter...

Just cooked a roast and about to start 4 hours of dinner, dinner, bath, bath, story, story, settle x2...this can go on until 10pm, up at 2am with my 2 year old (every night) down at 4am, up at 6am to get 4 year old ready for school....

I'm trying to write a list for next week that's different but I don't know where to start...?[/quote]
You have a 4 year old and a 2 year old? You are at one of the hardest stages!
It gets so much easier when they are around 5 or 6 becuse you can sit and watch them play without having to follow them everywhere.
Then it’s still hard of course but you will have more free time but by bit. Once they get to secondary school things begin to change again

Even when I’m sitting on the sofa I have kids lying all over me, Just don’t feel like my own person anymore.

Start with baby steps.
What would you like to be doing if you did have more time - it will eventually come as your children get older.

Break it down into sections: Career/Job goals for the future, Family, Friendships, Health etc.

Work on one at a time and one small step at a time. For example, working with realistic goals, what can you do at the moment towards Career/Job goals? Perhaps it is a small online course for the moment when the kids are in bed or a creative hobby, but it could lead to longer term goals like a degree or your own business.

For Family, what is one small thing you can do today that could family life more pleasurable? It could be as small as putting on some music that makes you happy, or a picnic on the weekend, or as a future goal as PP suggested seeing some theatre (that does sound really fun).

Work realistically, but there are always ways to let you shine through too X

I know that feeling OP, I became a single mum when ds was 3, although to be honest, life is easier on my own.

Can you get to know the neighbours, get involved with the school or the local village hall, develop a hobby, pull together every little opportunity for some social interaction and make something of it. I don't mean necessarily a new life partner - I still haven't managed that - but some laughs, some adult conversation, having friends round.

You will emerge from this stage and you will be fine. My ds is 13 now and I have a lot more freedom.

Have a look around and see what local groups there are near you. Some groups are parents themselves and dont mind if you bring your children

Me and my children go to dance classes twice a week. Theirs are at 4:30, mine at 7:30. When I was interested in joining the class I messaged the teacher and said I'm interested in a place ( places were going fast ) I'm just trying to find a babysitter.

She messaged back saying not to worry about babysitter and to bring the kids along

Every week I do my lessons and the kids either join in or sit at a table colouring in, 2 other mums also bring their children now and it's nice for all of us

It's worth having an ask as even years ago when I did kickboxing the adults could bring the children to the adults class if need be ( worth looking at places that do adult classes and children classes as I've found their the ones who can accommodate)

Mine are 4 & 6 and it really was hard those first few years. I couldnt ever see it getting any better. I promise you it does, start with baby steps

Also worth seeing if your school, nursery or childminder if you use them know of any babysitters,

It seems so daunting and lonely but I promise you it gets easier and better, the older mine have got the more ive enjoyed being a mum

@TurnUpTurnip

No I don’t work I have a disabled child, hence can’t use babysitter either, my youngest is 4 so that’s 8 years away 😢😭

Get children with disabilities team from ss assessment and respite There are childcare options for disabilities Have you claimed everything and been assessed for respite? Does ex have contact? Disabled child get on list for shared care How old is disabled chikd?

If ex has no contact
This boosts your points for respite for disabled chikd.
Then others do swaps with another parent
Call for assessment
Children with disabilities team at social services
But you need to ask for overnight respite
They won't offer it unless you ask
Ask.