So my ex and I split up this time last year after years of coercive control. Last Christmas, our plan was that we'd spend Christmas Day together for the sake of the kids - I was dreading it, but prepared to do it for my kids. Then a week or two before Christmas, he announced that he was changing plans because he didn't want to be alone and sad on other days around Christmas, so he was off to his mum's and wouldn't see the kids on Christmas Day. I was fuming but made plans for them to see him on the 23rd instead. Then when the London lockdown was announced before Christmas, he texted me to say he was getting out of the city so wouldn't be keeping his commitment to the kids, sorry about that. Funnily enough the kids were not impressed and DD refused to speak to him for several days. In the end we spent Christmas with our support bubble and had a blast.
Fast forward a year: he has the kids every other weekend and occasionally comes over midweek to take them out for dinner, but more often than not cries off because it's too far (25min), not convenient, too expensive etc. During the summer he took them away for 5 days, the longest they've ever been away from me, and didn't let them call me once. (He denies that last point, but DD says she asked and he refused, and I'd take her word over his any day.)
Now he wants to have the kids over Christmas, from the 24th-26th. His logic is that since he "didn't get to see them" last year, he should have them this year. I didn't like the idea but said to the kids "Daddy wants you to spend Christmas with him this year, so you'd go to his on Christmas Eve and come home on Boxing Day." DD (10) interrupted with a firm "no", and DS (5) looked like he was going to cry. DD has suggested maybe they could go to his on Christmas Day in the afternoon and stay over til Boxing Day. It sounds like a good compromise to me, so I suggested it to XH, who has said absolutely not. As far as he's concerned, the children's preferences are "only one factor". As far as I'm concerned, if they don't want to bloody go and they're going to be miserable, why would he force it? If they were thrilled at the idea of going to his for the whole time, of course I'd be secretly dreading being on my own, but their needs come first and I'd wave them off with smiles before going inside and crying into my jaffa cakes.
So what I'm wondering is, given that we have no legal written agreement regarding child arrangements, whether I should just tell him to get stuffed and back the kids up. I think they're old enough to know what they want to do.