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Original poster

Shock split

28 replies

kirst14 · 23/09/2021 03:30

My fiancé has dropped a huge bomb shell that he is no longer in love with me and is leaving the family home we share with our 2 year old. This has come as a huge shock to me and I feel
It has come out of the blue. Only days ago we was planning to make a move across the country 6 hours away to be closer to my family in the next couple of months with a house waiting for us to move into. He has give me the go ahead to make this move alone taking our daughter with me or i can stay in the family home we have now for as long as needed. I'm so torn on what to do for the best. Has anyone been in a similar position? Do I make a fresh start with my daughter with a family to support me? Or stay put to give my daughter a consistent relationship with her dad?

OP posts:
Graphista · 23/09/2021 04:07

So sorry this is happening to you and didn't wanna leave you hanging in the middle of the night.

I've been through very similar my dd is now 20

Honestly I would say move near your family if you think they will genuinely provide support.

Are you working? If so how was that going to be accounted for?

Time to be practical - I know it's hard. Gather up all legal, financial and child related paperwork into a folder.

Check your budget/finances. If you're going to need to claim benefits get that started ASAP as they only backdate to the date you enter the claim not the date of the split.

Whether you think he'll play fair on cm or not I'd advise you also get that claim started ASAP for similar reasons.

Emotionally speak to friends and family honestly and elicit their support. You'll need it.

Sleep when you can, if you're struggling to eat have light/easy things like soup and toast.

If you're really struggling get help from gp

DO NOT tell him anything he absolutely doesn't need to know - he is no longer a friend or ally.

If you have a joint bank account as soon as you can open a new one WITH A DIFFERENT BANK.

Stop paying any bills for "his" stuff

There's loads more that's off the top of my head

You WILL get through this I promise.

Keep your wits about you and be prepared for potential "surprises"

I know you say it came out the blue but there will be a reason and unfortunately sometimes the reason is another woman so try and prepare yourself mentally for that possibility.

Take care of yourself Thanks

Original poster
kirst14 · 23/09/2021 04:38

Thank you for your reply. I work for a chain company and a transfer was set to be put into place so one less stress. The thought there is a deeper reason has come up. I was moved across the country from my dad as a young child and just don't want my daughter to resent me for making the wrong decision.

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 23/09/2021 04:46

Has he promised to maintain regular contact with your daughter should you move? If so, move. If not, move because he isn’t worth staying around for.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Hopefully your family will provide important and valuable support.

Original poster
kirst14 · 23/09/2021 05:08

He has yes he is an amazing dad to our daughter I couldn't of asked for better. I just worry would that last 6 hours away.

OP posts:
unsportyspice · 23/09/2021 05:12

Might sound daft but you say this has come out the blue. Do you think he just doesn't want to move and feels a split is the only answer?

Original poster
kirst14 · 23/09/2021 05:37

He said this has been something he's been thinking for a while just a mix of him being good at hiding it(very convincing liar). Me being madly in love along with balancing working and mum life with a lively 2 year old I've not noticed any signs.

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 23/09/2021 05:51

How hurtful. He hasn’t given you as a couple a chance to work at repairing any issues. That’s not very fair when you have a little one.

Even if he is a ‘great dad’ I wouldn’t trust him to give me the support I could get better from my family.

Original poster
kirst14 · 23/09/2021 06:25

We have had our issue in the past however since having our daughter who has been our main focus things have been good however having no time to do things as a couple he says he only sees us as friends and nothing more. I feel hurt and betrayed for both me and my daughter. Maybe a fresh start is the way to go it's just such a big leap to make alone.

OP posts:
AtlasPine · 23/09/2021 06:28

It is. It will get better and easier though. Flowers

starrynight21 · 23/09/2021 06:33

He has give me the go ahead to make this move alone taking our daughter with me or i can stay in the family home we have now for as long as needed

Well that's big of him ! Sounds like he's got it all worked out.

Something has obviously happened - sorry but in my experience the "something" is often another woman.

I wouldn't trust him to keep being a "great dad" since he is quite happy to let you move away with DD to be near your family. In your shoes I'd be making a move and making a fresh start . Your DD won't know any different, so don't be worried about his relationship with her - that's for him to work out. I'd say you'll be better off without him.

Cattitudes · 23/09/2021 06:34

If you don't move now with his blessing it could be much harder moving in the future if he changes his mind and objects. He could get a prohibitive steps order to make sure dd stays local to him. I think I would move now (assuming your parents/family will actually be supportive) then you can always move back closer once she is older if you want to.

mostlydrinkstea · 23/09/2021 06:40

This must be such a shock. He has made a decision. You weren't involved in that decision and are now playing catch up with all the emotions in play. From the outside it looks calculated. You have everything set up to go and then, bam, no time to think it through. However this plays out he wins. If you stay and then find he has another woman lined up he can play the victim 'but I gave you the opportunity to move and now you are upset as I'm in a relationship with X.' If you go he has saved himself a huge amount of pain as you are only around for a few days to give him grief and then you are out of his hair and hello new woman. The whole move could have been the long game to get you out of his life.

As someone who has been through a tsunami divorce (comes out of nowhere) this is the time to reach out to friends and family. You were planning to move to be with them so talk to them ASAP. You will get through this. The key message today is that he is not your friend. He planned this. A good father does not abandon the mother of his child. He has shown you his true colours.

And hugs. It hurts.

FWBNC · 23/09/2021 06:42

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Move near your family while he's agreeable to that. If he's a great Dad he'll make an effort to see her, if he doesn't he wouldn't have been a great support/Dad if you'd stayed! Staying won't help her or you.

Financially make sure you get what you're owed from the family home. You might not need it towards housing, but you'll be thankful of it in the future. Make sure the bills etc are in his name if he's staying there.

Men don't leave until there's someone to go to, prepare yourself for the truth to come out.

PurpleNebula84 · 23/09/2021 08:08

If you will definitely have support from your family if you move, I'd say go for it!
I've found myself in a position where I've decided to stay in the area where my STBX is staying so he would be closer to our DD and I'm feeling like I've made a mistake - thankfully my parents don't live hours away (30-40 mins drive) but I hadn't envisaged my STBX being as awkward as he is being regarding contact.

Original poster
kirst14 · 23/09/2021 09:44

Thank you all for you kind words. I have my mum up here who I'm extremely close with who is currently going through chemo treatment which only adds to the stress. The plan was for us all to move to be closer to my other family in a much nicer part of the country. To loose my partner and mum seems like a lot to deal with. But a fresh start sounds like what is needed

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 23/09/2021 21:01

move now before he changes his mind, he could stop your daughter from moving.

Im sorry that you are going through this, it sucks, but a fresh start is what you could use?

Needanewadventure2021 · 23/09/2021 22:36

Continue with your move and keep it on track. Because if anything ever goes tits up believe me you want all the support you can around you. He has made this decision. Don't cancel on your plans because he wants out.

Something has happened for him to make this decision. Men don't leave without reason. Unfortunately this is usually another woman. The amount of times I've been told that and never believed it but later found it out to be the case.

I'm really sorry you are going through this but best to focus on yourself and your child and do what's right for you now. You will be ok, and in my experience things work out how they are meant to. My son's dad walked out Jan 2016 and my son is now 7 and a half. At the time it was devastating but I now genuinely think it was meant to be this way. I know your situation is different and you say he is a good Dad and he still can be, but you probably aren't meant to be together.

Good luck OP.

On a quick side note I'm really sorry to hear about your Mom too. This added stress from your relationship breakdown isn't going to help at all. I dont know how it would work but could your Mom's care be transferred so she can move with you? I imagine she would be a big deciding factor whether you stay or move to be near more family

Original poster
kirst14 · 24/09/2021 08:00

I'm shocked at the resounding answers to move i thought I was crazy to even think to go it alone. He's said if I stay we will do split custody if I go he will just get down to see her as much as possible but realistically that's not going to be much.

@Needanewadventure2021 sadly not an option for now as my mums treatment is up for a review in the coming months we currently live near the leading cancer hospital so she is in the best hands there and would be moving out to the country side where there is only one small hospital. Money is also a huge factor in it all.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 24/09/2021 08:13

move now before he changes his mind, he could stop your daughter from moving.

Yes, move, especially if you can work there. Your instinct is to be fair to him but I suspect you will find someone in the background and this will change the dynamic.He could apply to court to prevent you moving and you would then be a single parent trying to work in an area away from family. Once the shock wears off I suspect you will get angry.

Ime men don't suddenly leave, without a place to go, in 2 years you have had a child and Covid...what does he expect??

If there is OW she will appear down the line and he will announce they have just met.

I really hope your mum recovers, what a dreadful time for him to bail. It's him, not you!

Cattitudes · 24/09/2021 10:18

If there is OW she will appear down the line and he will announce they have just met.

And after a few months of shared care he will discover that his new girlfriend can look after your dd as well as her own, leaving him free to work and have dd 50:50 which is much more convenient than having to go across country to visit dd every few weeks so will then prevent you from leaving.

Needanewadventure2021 · 24/09/2021 10:42

Unfortunately something doesn't add up. His giving you his blessing to continue with the move and I would honestly take it.

Alot of moms on this feed have been burnt by men one way or another in our lives however we have learnt how capable we are so we know you can do this. But for me the fact he is giving his blessing for you and his DD to move so far away makes me feel like he wants you to leave the area.

Hopefully we are wrong and he is just a decent guy, but focus on what is going to work for you. Things can change over time. He could become less supportive and difficult as time goes on in which case being away from him and having an established support network will mean everything to you

MotherofTerriers · 24/09/2021 10:51

Honestly OP, go before he changes his mind. Right now he is being "nice", probably because he feels guilty but that won't last. There is very likely to be another woman. If you move you will have more control over what happens. Stay and you could be looking at 50.50 custody

You're all set up to go, so do it and build a life for you and your little one.

Lweji · 24/09/2021 10:54

It seems to me that he's trying to boycott your move

Dingdongdo87 · 24/09/2021 10:59

A lot of your story sounds similar to mine - exDH upped and left with no warning, my parents both had cancer - you will get through it! You will find strength you didn't know you had.
Please dont make the same mistakes as me and not put yourself first. I tried to be overly accommodating, no legal protection in place, no formal access and financial agreements in place. All because I didn't think he'd screw me over. Ultimately he did screw me over and I'm still paying the price.

Original poster
kirst14 · 24/09/2021 11:44

The longer I've had for things to kick in the more I'm thinking with my head and not my heart. Something I have struggled with for years is my mental health and have used my ex as a huge support which at times has been a lot for him to cope with. I have finally made the phone call and reached out for help from my GP. I only hope this is a step in the right direction to give my daughter the best possible chance at a happy and fulfilled upbringing that she deserves.

OP posts: