Any suggestions - I need to be more assertive with DC's Dad

[PeoniesGinandBags]

Please could someone help? I'm having such a bad time of it at the moment and really struggling. I split up with my husband last year, he moved out earlier this year and it's just awful. I'm struggling.

My soon-to-be ex husband is much more confident and assertive than I am and is in a job where he needs to be like that day in and day out so it's second nature to him. I'm not like that, take things to heart and literally will say or do anything to avoid conflict. It's really bad of me as I'll just be a complete door mat and then get angry with myself later.

Anyway we share a 9 year old DC. Husband works shifts and these change every week and month so we can't have a set night DC stays over. I'm trying to be reasonable and, when he gets his shifts, suggest a night that he's not at work for DC to stay over.

Last time he sent me his shifts it was so full, not only of work but also his extra curricular social stuff. No exaggeration, I struggled to get one night a week for DC. Like this weekend, he was off work but had social plans so wanted DC on Monday night from school and was then going to drop him back with me on Tuesday morning at 7am before school. This wouldn't have bothered me so much if it was work that stopped him from seeing DC properly but to bugger off all weekend and then start with a crap night during the week.

Added to that was that he was then late to collect DC from school on Monday so I had to go instead. Ex then accused me of being 'controlling'. Instead of telling him to f* off I tried to be reasonable and said he could perhaps have him for tea on Thursday etc etc. Literally always trying to be "solutions orientated".

Ex flits between being nice one day and horrible the next. I've struggled with depression since he cheated on me and honestly, can find some days hard, and it's as if he knows this and plays to it.

I just need some help with being more confident and assertive. I know I relied on my ex a lot for confidence when we were together and now we're not, I really feel lost. It's ridiculous I know... I made the right decision to end the relationship but there's this massive gap and I'm not coping.

Any help at all? Books to read even? I'm on a waiting list for counselling and am on anti-depressants but feel like this is swamping me x

I would stop trying to organise
Him. Just ask him on a Monday when he is seeing dc this week. And get on with your life

Then don't engage further.

Money through Cms

And he can let you know when he is free to see DC. There isn't anything else you need to talk about. Grey rock everything else.

It isn't easy. But it was the best thing I did. My ex always steam rolled me into things. I stopped engaging. Told him I wasn't going to tolerate being shouted out and will only talk to hi. If he is reasonable. I only had to stand up to him once or twice.

Never responded to messages when you are feeling emotional. Always just pause and wait for half an hour or so. It does get easier in time

Thank you. I've seen a couple of other posts mentioning 'grey rock' so I'm going to read up on that. Also that point about not responding when I'm feeling emotional is helpful. I think sometimes I'm good at that. Like yesterday I was feeling really fragile so didn't engage with him but then I think that peed him off and so he went on a bit of a rampage today.

Just a general message Monday ish " let me know when your planning on seeing DS and we will arrange things" don't be afraid to say no that doesn't work for me or be busy

He will go on a bit of a rampage when you start to disengage, because he will feel like he's losing control and power. The first thing you need to accept is that he won't change and you can do NOTHING to change him. You are not responsible for his behaviour. Then you need to grey rock. Do not react emotionally to anything he does or says. Being confident isn't about who shouts the loudest, but about having the strength to do what is right. If it helps you, remember that you are constantly teaching your child how to act in the world and if she sees you having boundaries, confidence and self-respect then it's likely she will too.

"The strength to do what's right"... I like that. Yes, I don't shout - ever - but actually having the courage of my convictions speaks volumes. And not being scared to say "no, we're doing something on that day" as well. It feels like I keep all of our evenings and weekends free to fit around him but he's just not doing the same.

What do you all do if, for example, you have something planned with friends for a few weeks time? I've been asking my ex to have him but then that makes me nervous because he knows I'm relying on him for childcare and just changes things at the last minute to stop me going. Do you think it's okay to have my Mum look after DC and just say he isn't available?

It is not your responsibility to put your life on hold to accommodate your ex. Pick one day a week to begin with and tell him that this is the day your child is available. Your ex can arrange his work and social life around this day and see your child on this specific day each week. It is up to him to make the effort to see your child, not up to you to convince him to do so. You need to live your life and your child needs to live theirs and this could include after school activities and seeing friends. It is therefore not acceptable for your ex to think he can decide when he wants to see his child, especially as he is being so selfish about it. Don;t count on him for childcare because this gives him control. Simply tell him the day, the same day each week so you both know when he is expected to pick up his child. Once he starts committing to this day, it could build to more days. Stop allowing him to put your life on hold.

Another one saying disengage from his drama. Why do you have to work out the day / time? It’s like he’s still trying to make you do his wife work, let him work it out a convenient day. Why do you and your child have to 100% work round him?

It's his choice to not prioritise seeing DC.

If your DC isn't free it's on him not you.

Your DC will work out that their Dad is selfish.

Grey rock, disengage and stop trying to facilitate contact beyond letting him know when DC is free.

You could use a parenting App and fill in when your DC is busy.

If you have plans, then by all means make childcare arrangements with your mum! If he's then free to see your ds then your mum gets a night off.

What he's still got here is control. He's still making you dance to his tune, and being the hero if he can accommodate ds on your night out (or the bastard if he cancels at the last minute). By making your own arrangements and plans that HE then has to work around, you're balancing the power.

It's tough to get to the point of 'ds isn't free on Tuedsays/that date', and he will kick back, but it is so worth it in the long run!

Do not ask him for childcare for your commitments. That gives him some control over you and he will mess you about because he can.

As he works shifts I would send a message every Monday morning. Let me know when you want to see DC this week. If I haven't heard from you by tea time I will assume you are unable to see him this week and we will make our own plans.

He will rage against it because you will be 'controlling' him. Don't engage. If he comes up with something at short notice and it doesn't work for you. Say that. This is too short notice. We have made plans.

Eh don't h go I've him first dibs.

Just make your and your DC plans and if DC is free he's free he isn't 🤷🏽‍♀️

Your ex is being a controlling dick. You need to stop trying to organise when he sees Ds. I gather there is no court ordered access so just stop and if he wants to go to court let him. They won't be impressed by his lack of time for Ds. At least if it's court ordered he needs to stick with it and if he's unavailable he doesn't get to pick another day of his choosing.

Also if your mum is willing to help with a bit of babysitting you just make your plans around her availability and don't involve ex. Dont tell him at any point that you have plans to go out. It's none of his business.

Don’t organise for him. I just use other people for child care. It’s his child too, he needs to take responsibility and if he doesn’t that’s an active choice he is making.

I just don't take my exs time into account even though we have set weekends as he never sticks to it so if I have plans I will have friends or family as childcare. If ex asks to see the kids and I have nothing planned then he can see them. If I've planned something I will say we are busy - he doesn't like this and has sometimes gone over me to the kids but I stuck firm no and he doesn't do as much anymore.

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your input. I think I have found it tricky to get the balance right as none of my friends are in the same situation.