How honest would you be?

[PumpkinKlNG]

My ex doesn’t see our children through choice (he hasn’t seen them in almost a Year, before that he went 3 years without seeing them, saw them for a few months then disappeared again.) My children are getting older so I’m aware one day they might want to find him and contact him, but I’m concerned about my ex trying to twist it to say it was me stopping him (I can’t imagine him openly admitting he didn’t want to see them) so I can predict this is something he will try to do. I have messages where he has said he didn’t want to see them, I know how Awful it would be to read that so I’m wondering how honest would you be when the time comes? Has anyone’s child ever wanted to find their dad when they got older and he’s rewritten history? Or has anyone else been in this situation?

Hi OP, I can completely understand your dilemma. If it helps, my relative got back in touch with her estranged father and within months he showed his true colours to her directly, I think these things always show themselves eventually

Not exactly the same, but I had the choice to cover up exH's actions or to be honest with DS, and I chose honesty, although I did not tell him the whole story.

I'd keep the evidence and only show them if I needed it (in this case, if he ever blamed you for him not being in contact). If they ever ask about it, then I'd be as honest as possible, or tell them that only he can answer that question properly.

However, in this case, I think that the main thing is not to let them think it is because of them, but rather that it is on him.

When dd was 2 ex walked away. She never asked about him. Until she was 21. She contacted him on fb. Claimed he had been looking for her.. Oddly my dm lived at the same address as back in the day and he hadn't tried there.... She told him straight not to bother blaming me for anything.. He admitted he walked away. She stuck it out for a few years as he had another dd (10 years younger) but he made zero effort and she dumped him - and told him so!!
She said there was no bond /connection at all but she wasn't bothered and says she hasn't missed out.

Yes i have many years ago now. He walked back into her life when she was 22 shes 26 now. Hurt me for ages but kept my mouth shut stood back and let them get on with things. Shes happy im happy.
But i didnt force contact when she was young. He decided herself wether she wanted to see him or not.

Thanks for the comments, they are reassuring me that they will be able to see through his lies, I think it’s natural for kids to want to find their other parent, just dreading the day it happens.

Dd told me she never missed having a df as I was more than enough..
She is a well adjusted very smart adult now.

My son has had no contact with his Dad since Jan 16. He is now 7. Every now and then he asks me questions about his Dad. At first I felt abit uncomfortable but I found answering him as honest as I could has been the best way for me. He thought his Dad didn't want him because me and his Dad didn't get on. That's when I realised I had to have quite grown up conversations with him so he understood he is not the reason at all and unfortunately I cannot speak for someone who makes the choice to not have a relationship with their child.
I can understand you feeling uncomfortable about going to the same area his Dad lives. Even now I dread the thought of bumping into his Dad. My son however wouldn't have a clue who he was. So it's more my issue. I've driven past his dad's work several times on route to somewhere and sometimes I find myself telling my son, that's where your Dad works. All he says is 'does he'.
For me I've been really open about his Dad, within reason. I cant tell him the horrendous stuff as no child should hear that but I tell him enough so he knows that he is OK and hasn't missed out. I guess I don't want him feeling like he is different as his not but also I never want him to say I kept information from him.

Some things our kids do so can catch us off guard but there's rarely anything to worry about. If he does start asking after his dad just be as honest as you can. I dont place restrictions on our life because I wasn't the one who made the poor decision to leave my child. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I want my DS so be the same if that makes sense

Sorry just realised I've posted on the wrong thread but also kind of relevant