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Original poster

Ex calling the shots

21 replies

cosmicbabe · 15/09/2021 20:10

My Ex constantly dictates to me what I should and shouldn't do with our son. He lives 4 hours away and won't move near to be closer. This particular time is regarding Football. He thinks if he lived closer he would be taking him-there and everywhere week nights and at weekends to football training and academy's. My sons been in a great little team for a few years now that he loves. He hates his dad coming to football as he pressures him yet refuses to tell him. Now his dad wants him to get into a better team further away whom train twice a week and play games at weekends. This is going to totally ruin lots of stuff we already do. Yet he turns it round stating it's in our sons best interest and if I cared I would take him. Yet he can't as he doesn't live close enough.

Does anyone else have to deal with this?
Angry

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 15/09/2021 21:25

No as I refuse to engage in this kind of thing, you need to look up grey rock

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 15/09/2021 21:28

The problem is I could not engage but he goes ahead and books stuff and brainwashes are son into believing that's what he wants to do ... Can I just blanket say no to co-parenting with a narcissist ?

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 15/09/2021 21:50

Yeah… you’re doing the driving, right?

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 15/09/2021 22:04

@Justilou1

Yeah… you’re doing the driving, right?
His argument is that he can't do it and as our son wants to do it I should do the brunt of the driving (his words)... However my son is being pressured into this by my Ex. It's a nightmare to be honest.
OP posts:
chelle862 · 15/09/2021 22:30

Just because he books stuff doesn't mean you have to take him 😉

Ashitaka · 15/09/2021 22:43

If you want to do it, you are more than welcome to take him. Let me know what time you will be picking him up.

And repeat

Sidehustle99 · 15/09/2021 22:47

I simple response saying by all means come and take DS to this session/match ... but I choose how I spend my time, thank you for your interest.

Justilou1 · 16/09/2021 00:39

You need to learn to tell him that if he's happy to waste his money, that's his decision, but you won't facilitate it.

Mintjulia · 16/09/2021 00:50

You already help your son play for a team, that is enough. You have to learn to say a firm no!

If you don't, the next 10 years will be a nightmare of running to his beck & call. Also, your ds needs to learn he cannot have everything.

Tell your ex, if he wants to be more involved he is welcome to move closer and commit his own time. Otherwise it's not happening.

urbanbuddha · 16/09/2021 01:00

Explain why it's not workable to your son. He might be disappointed but I'm sure he'll understand. Just tell him dad gets over-excited sometimes.

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 16/09/2021 09:56

Thanks. You are right. I need to say no. He makes me feel like I'm a bad parent for not supporting his wishes. He would also say if I can't do it his son can go and live with him where he can facilitate such requests. Obviously I don't want that so feel I have to oblige.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 16/09/2021 10:31

Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said? “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
You have chosen to feel like a bad parent for not automatically agreeing with him instead of choosing to feel like a positive force for sticking with what you know is right - and being a good example for your son of a strong, independent woman who isn’t afraid of a minor difference of opinion.

BlackeyedSusan · 16/09/2021 12:09

yeah, cos he is father of the bloody year living four hours away and all that and emotionally blackmailing his childs mother. Hmm [sarcastic] (for clarity)

Justilou1 · 16/09/2021 12:37

Exactly… You know he’s a bastard. Don’t let him into your head. He WANTS you to second-guess yourself. You know you’re busting a gut to do everything you can for your kid. Where’s he exactly? Nowhere!!! Don’t give him the power to minimize you. You’re a single mum. They’re superheroes!

HugeAckmansWife · 16/09/2021 17:38

Yeah my ex does thiis. His choice to see them once every few weeks only but thinks he should have input into various things which have no impact on him at all.

Original poster
cosmicbabe · 16/09/2021 17:54

Honestly thank you. You've made me see sense and have given me some clarity on this xx

OP posts:
Beachtrip · 16/09/2021 18:16

I've had almost identical shit from my ex.
He's finally booked DS onto a football club on. Friday after school and merrily told ds that I'm refusing to take him (ex collects every other Friday so can ensure he goes) I had not heard anything about this until ds asked why I won't take him Hmm

Honestly, grey rock.
You're not a bad mum.
Ex says you are because you won't do what he wants and he knows where your button is.

Pantsomime · 16/09/2021 18:23

Tell him DS doesn’t want to go, he’s not listening so you are repeating - no. Tell him if he doesn’t stop DS will ignore him back and basically not visit him if he just gets railroaded. Perhaps remind Ex that it’s about what DS wants not what Ex wants - good luck

Heartofglass12345 · 16/09/2021 18:38

What would he say if your son wanted to give up football? I don't understand the obsession with some dad and wanting their sons to play football Hmm

HalzTangz · 16/09/2021 18:54

Tell him of he wants his son to join the other team he will need to take him to all training and all games. If he doesn't commit and stick to it you will pull him out and let him join a more local team.

He won't commit to that as that's lots to travelling for him several times a week

Starlightstarbright1 · 19/09/2021 08:32

Honestly . Just say its not happening.

Repeat... if ds says anything say you already have a football team.

Discuss less with df..

Ignore the he can come live with me is just a threat. Can you imagine court..
I would like to change residancy of my son, move him away from his mum, schoool, friends.

What are your reasons?

He only goes to football once a week and i want him to go twice🙄

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