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Original poster

Do you acknowledge your ex's money?

27 replies

Ruth58d · 07/09/2021 20:14

Assuming you are in receipt of a decent amount of maintenance from your ex do you let your children know when it's their Dad's money that has provided them with things or do you let them think it's come from you? Just interested to hear some different perspectives.

OP posts:
CandyFIosss · 07/09/2021 20:59

This is one of the reasons I don’t claim maintenance, I don’t want my ex thinking he pays for things (he doesn’t see our children) but if I did no I wouldn’t say “this was bought with money from your father” why would anyone Confused

ShrimpBarbarian · 07/09/2021 21:07

I wouldn't say "this is money I earned" either, what does it matter

HavelockVetinari · 07/09/2021 21:10

@CandyFIosss

This is one of the reasons I don’t claim maintenance, I don’t want my ex thinking he pays for things (he doesn’t see our children) but if I did no I wouldn’t say “this was bought with money from your father” why would anyone Confused
I don't get this at all (unless you are super wealthy) - why wouldn't you claim maintenance for your DC? If you're really bothered by spending it you could at least save it in a separate account for your DC to use got university/housing costs later in life. By not claiming you're literally robbing your DC Confused
Chasingsquirrels · 07/09/2021 21:10

My kids know their dad gives me child maintenance towards their expenses.
They also know quite a lot about my finances (well ds1 does cos he is interested, ds2 not so bothered).
But I wouldn't say "x money from y person paid for a specific thing".

Frannibananni · 07/09/2021 21:14

Money comes into the pot, money goes from the pot. Who’s to say which coin paid for what. Maintenance is Usually for necessary living expenses, I really don’t understand this question.

CandyFIosss · 07/09/2021 21:15

Robbing my DC 😂 no robbing my dc would be taking it and spending it on myself 🤦‍♀️ Which I know women that do

Palavah · 07/09/2021 21:18

Surely what he contributes makes up a % of everything that's bought, however small. Why should your money be for stuff they don't appreciate like housing and your ex's for new shoes?

Dyrne · 07/09/2021 21:20

I never understood the mentality of “child maintenance specifically pays for XYZ”. It’s money, it all goes in the pot and becomes part of the budget, surely?

It seems utterly batshit to track money and inform your child every time you spend something: “Today I paid for our rent and electricity bill; 67.84% was paid for by mummy, 32.16% was paid for by Daddy. This specific £10 note I gave you for your Karate subs came from your Daddy”.

unicornsarereal72 · 07/09/2021 21:24

I have been very clearly that because I'm supporting myself and the children single handedly that we need to be mindful how we spend our money. And we have to budget for nice things

On the odd month I get some money from their father I usually take them shopping for new clothes shoes etc. And say we are able to spend the extra this Month because dad has sent some money.

It's not specific. Money in and money out but if we have extra money we can do more nice things.

Hekatestorch · 07/09/2021 21:31

Its just part of the household income.

Does anyone tell their kids, where the money is from

'These shoes are being paid put of my wage'
'This coat has been purchased out of tax credits'

MiddleParking · 07/09/2021 21:32

How would you even know when it’s their dad’s money that’s provided them with something? Surely it just goes into your bank account and forms part of your overall spending…interested to know what angle you’re coming at this from OP!

CandyFIosss · 07/09/2021 21:35

I’m hoping the ops ex is saying she should be telling the kids not that she thinks that herself? Wishful thinking 😬

Original poster
Ruth58d · 07/09/2021 22:37

@MiddleParking

How would you even know when it’s their dad’s money that’s provided them with something? Surely it just goes into your bank account and forms part of your overall spending…interested to know what angle you’re coming at this from OP!
Thank you all for the interesting answers so far.

My angle was did anyone think it's important for children to understand that although Dad doesn't live in the same house he still supports them financially, in the hope this helps children feel loved, valued, not abandoned etc. Not necessarily specific items but that he is supporting them financially generally (don't forget I said in the case of a decent amount of maintenance).

OP posts:
CandyFIosss · 07/09/2021 22:51

I think you can just let them know he pays maintenance without listing the individual things it pays for.

audweb · 07/09/2021 22:54

Just tell that dad shares the load financially. They don’t need to know the details. How old are they anyway? I think that will affect how you frame that but I still wouldn’t go into specifics and I would make sure they understand it’s a joint effort financially too.

coodawoodashooda · 07/09/2021 22:57

@ShrimpBarbarian

I wouldn't say "this is money I earned" either, what does it matter
This. I also don't mention the domestic abuse
coodawoodashooda · 07/09/2021 22:58

No because im certain hes lying about his income

BananaPB · 07/09/2021 22:59

My children know that their dad pays maintenance but I'd never say it was his money that paid for something. It's just part of my household budget

JanglyBeads · 07/09/2021 23:02

It can get a little wearing when he’s telling them all the time that he has no money/can’t live where he wants etc “because the judge made me pay all this money to Mummy”......

BananaPB · 07/09/2021 23:03

How old are your kids? Does your ex see the kids?
My kids are teens and aware of deadbeat dads as a concept as it appears in tv and film.
Their dad has been reasonable post breakup and I think it's good for the kids to know that. He has also told them the same about me.

fidgetmad · 07/09/2021 23:20

My DC knows I get money from her dad to pay for bills and towards the house etc but that's all

Even this level of detail was only given when she overheard a classmate slagging his dad fir not paying CMS and saying how bad a dad he was. She mentioned this to me and I said her dad did pay maintenance but didn't elaborate .

Hekatestorch · 08/09/2021 07:53

If it was relevant to a conversation, I would say he pays, if he did. I can't think of many situations it would come up.

But I very much doubt kids feel loved or cared for because their dad pays CMS, especially when they are being forced to.

Though in my situation converstatiosn related to their dad revolve around why the covid jab does not have a microchip in it and why the earth is not flat.

He doesn't pay anyway. Self employed, offxicially earning less than 12k and absolutely would quit work and go live in a tent in the woods. My kids are older and I am a higher earner. Couldn't afford the emotionally energy it needed though.

But I haven't specifically pointed out hr doesn't pay anything. The 17 years old guessed on her own.
So depends on circumstances.

PeoniesGinandBags · 22/09/2021 15:15

I don't acknowledge his money at all. It literally makes up a third of what I have to pay in rent every month so it's inconsequential really and doesn't, IMO, contribute towards half of my DC's expenses. I know my ex sees it as "money to subsidise my lifestyle" (his words).

Needanewadventure2021 · 22/09/2021 21:14

Wow I can't imagine my son having the slightest bit of interest but his Dad isn't in his life so I don't think he would expect him to pay anything anyway. His only young so there's noway he would know what maintenance is at the moment, but should he ask when he is older then I'd tell him I get a very small contribution which is used to pay for shopping and bills to support his upbringing. Theres one pot and everything gets paid out of that pot. My DS knows I don't spend money on going out or anything for myself so I know he wouldn't ask any more because our household income just about gets us through each month.

It's hard though as his Dad pays very little. More than the flat rate but very little when you think of the actual costs of raising a child. His maintenance barely covers my son's food a month, so I'd want him to know the contribution is very small. I dont bad mouth his Dad to him (though he deserves it) simply because I want my DS so make his own mind up based on what he has learnt over the course of his life. Basically that actions speak louder than words and no matter who says what, people's actions or in his Dad's case, absence will tell him all he needs to know. But I do absolutely hate the fact that his Dad is able to use his small contribution to tell people he does his bit, which he does tell people very annoyingly, so I do also understand why some people won't accept maintenance for this reason.

WhatIsThisPlease · 22/09/2021 21:27

My ex has little to do with our DC but does pay a decent amount in maintenance. I only went back to work a few years ago when DC2 went to high school. I used to tell them that we were lucky that their dad paid me enough to be able to be a SAHM.
He's a bit of a shit tbh, but he's always been quite generous and I couldn't think of anything else positive to say about him Grin