Have I made a mistake? CMS payments

fidgetmad · 2021-09-07T16:00:57+00:00

I've been split with ex for 8 years. CMS payments agreed at outset and never been reviewed despite several job changes and him now being on a far higher salary ( not sure of amounts but there have been 2 promotions). We have an extremely high conflict relationship and he is emotionally abusive to me (not dc) Last week I called CMS and asked for a review (think this can be done annually but never done it). I've felt sick ever since awaiting his reaction. Why do I feel like this? Should I have just put up with the existing arrangement to avoid any conflict? I think he'll take it personally and think I'm only looking to aggravate him

JaniceBattersby · 07/09/2021 17:05

Why should you be the one always ‘avoiding conflict’ (is tiptoeing around him so as to not upset his lordship)? He’s not bothered about conflict else he’d be paying the right amount. Stick to your guns.

LaurieFairyCake · 07/09/2021 17:48

What have you put in place to block him ?

Original poster

fidgetmad · 07/09/2021 18:07

We have an agreement that we only communicate via email and only about dc.

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Original poster

fidgetmad · 07/09/2021 18:07

8 years later and I still feel sick at the thought of conflict with him. He thrives on it tho

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Bollindger · 07/09/2021 18:10

Just act surprised.
So you don't say it was you, just tell him annual review and your as surprised as him.

unicornsarereal72 · 07/09/2021 21:29

I agree with pp. fake surprise if he brings it up. Or just say it's in the hands of the Cms. And if he has issues to take it up with them.

I spent the first few years not wanting to upset the kids father. He is a skilled manipulator. Over time I took more control of the situation. Grey rock everything I don't have to respond too. And respond in as short as necessary answer when I do.

I'd like to think he now has some respect for me and the no nonsense attitude. But either way I don't care now. I do not have to tolerate his poor behaviour. If he interrupts me I stop him if he raises his voice I walk away. I stopped letting him treat me like crap. Set clear expectations and tolerate nothing less.

TheHouseIsOnFire · 07/09/2021 21:33

Ridiculous that CMS don’t review it regularly anyway tbh. I’d just ignore if he kicks off, your DCs are entitled to that money so he can suck it up.

Twillow · 07/09/2021 21:39

I'm in a similar position. You can bet your life he would be chasing it if the positions were reversed. Who cares if he takes it personally - with this kind of man it could be anything that sets them off. Your children are entitled to this.

Original poster

fidgetmad · 07/09/2021 22:05

@unicornsarereal72

I agree with pp. fake surprise if he brings it up. Or just say it's in the hands of the Cms. And if he has issues to take it up with them.

I spent the first few years not wanting to upset the kids father. He is a skilled manipulator. Over time I took more control of the situation. Grey rock everything I don't have to respond too. And respond in as short as necessary answer when I do.

I'd like to think he now has some respect for me and the no nonsense attitude. But either way I don't care now. I do not have to tolerate his poor behaviour. If he interrupts me I stop him if he raises his voice I walk away. I stopped letting him treat me like crap. Set clear expectations and tolerate nothing less.

I'm loving this!!!! That's exactly how I want to be. I'm 100% over him and genuinely can't stand him so I really don't get how he still manages to make me feel like this

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Original poster

fidgetmad · 07/09/2021 22:08

@Bollindger

Just act surprised. So you don't say it was you, just tell him annual review and your as surprised as him.

I'm not sure what the letter will say? When I phoned them they mentioned the letter will say an application has been made

My worry is he'll think I'm trying to make out he's not been paying. He's always paid on time but it's the amount I'd like to be reviewed

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Original poster

fidgetmad · 08/09/2021 09:24

So the letter that's been sent say: "(my name) has made an applicant to receive child maintenance for (dc name)"

So it sounds like I'm accusing him of never having paid!!! He's going to go absolutely ballistic!

I think it's because when the original amount was agreed we used the CMS calculator on their website but didn't go via them to arrange it

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Woodmarsh · 08/09/2021 09:50

So say you called them to update your bank details, they suggested a review and that that is a standard template letter.

He's only going ballistic via email and you have a delete button

Original poster

fidgetmad · 08/09/2021 09:59

@Woodmarsh

So say you called them to update your bank details, they suggested a review and that that is a standard template letter.

He's only going ballistic via email and you have a delete button

That's true about the email!!

He pays directly into my bank account so I can't use that excuse but I just need to toughen up and not let him get to me.

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WhatsTheBFD · 08/09/2021 10:04

I feel you OP.

I’ve had the same paltry £250 a month for 2DC for 9 years, based on what his income was when we split up. Since then he’s had multiple promotions and pay rises and won’t disclose his new earnings or pay more.

I’ve sucked it up because I didn’t want conflict with him, even though he’s not that type in general, but he would be if I went to CMS (he actually avoided it 7 years ago because his Aunt was in charge of wages and refused to set of the deduction from earnings and even tried to claim he didn’t work there!).

However his family sold the company and has nobody to cover his tracks, I’ve had to leave work due to our DD being ill, I’m now on UC and can’t afford to suck it up any more. So I’m going to the CMS and I know I’ll be called all sorts but I honestly don’t give a shit any more.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/09/2021 10:09

Op he can be as angry as he likes but the fact is that cms is money that he pays to support his children. Anyone who gets angry about supporting their children is not a decent person.

Go with the standard letter, review shouldn’t be unexpected after all this time, feel free to let them know yourself every time there is a change in your income approach. You can get if he has lost his job he would be in touch with them within hours

Original poster

fidgetmad · 08/09/2021 10:20

@WhatsTheBFD

I feel you OP.

I’ve had the same paltry £250 a month for 2DC for 9 years, based on what his income was when we split up. Since then he’s had multiple promotions and pay rises and won’t disclose his new earnings or pay more.

I’ve sucked it up because I didn’t want conflict with him, even though he’s not that type in general, but he would be if I went to CMS (he actually avoided it 7 years ago because his Aunt was in charge of wages and refused to set of the deduction from earnings and even tried to claim he didn’t work there!).

However his family sold the company and has nobody to cover his tracks, I’ve had to leave work due to our DD being ill, I’m now on UC and can’t afford to suck it up any more. So I’m going to the CMS and I know I’ll be called all sorts but I honestly don’t give a shit any more.

That's awful @WhatsTheBFD Hope you get it sorted!

I've actually had therapy to try and get over what my ex has down over the years. I genuinely can't stand him but for some reason I still get worked up if I think he's getting angry or thinking badly of me.

He slags off certain elements of my parenting and instead of shrugging it off and ignoring him, I really let it get to me and I've got no idea why!!

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lovelybitofsquirrell · 08/09/2021 10:22

Oh I know this feeling well. As pp says - just fake surprise and ignore any attempt to get into an argument